Tulpamancy Journal. 173

August 5, 2020

Outside of forcing, during which I have had a number of good conversations with both Flora and N’sonowa, I have had sparse success with imposition. A few visuals. Last night was peculiar. I was 12 hours post op for a ruptured tendon,  and had taken Torodol (a powerful anti-inflammatory pain medication NOT a narcotic, which I will not take)I took it exactly as prescribed by my physician. It stimulated me and I could not sleep.  I put on a lucid dreaming sleep video on you tube with headphones for the binaural beats and invited Flora and N’sonowa to join me. Both spoke to me, in mindvoice, we conversed on from 8pm to 4am, without a single visual. At 2am, again following doctors exact orders I took my second dose of the med. I still could not begin to sleep.  At 4, an asteroid, appeared in my minds eye, and N’sonowa chose to impose. She appeared for a split second then hid behind some rocks  She said that was because I wasn’t asleep and this wasn’t a dream. And, I was not asleep. And it was not a hypnogogic phenom. I had the same visual with my eyes open. It was brighter with my closed eyes. The asteroid arose de novo, but I had looked at some astral travel videos in my list before choosing the lucid dreaming vid. I came much closer to the rock and began to see details, when I did N’sonowa came back and ran among the rocks and formations until she came to what looked like ancient ruins with fallen block, columns, broken pyramids, and such. Once she had explored a bit she again disappeared behind the rock and said she was “behind the scenes trying to figure out what was going on. About that time, my body began to shake so violently (again, I was not asleep nor was I dreaming)  that I was afraid I would wake my wife, so I started to get up, but she was awake, she said since 5am when my thrashing had begun. I got up and had coffee, and sat outside  until I calmed down and the hallucination stopped. I have no idea what all of this was about. N’sonowa later said she could not understand it either. Has anyone had experiences with astral traveling while awake, (and quite stimulated by a non-narcotic, non-psychedelic medication)?

Tulpamancy Journal. 172

August 1, 2020

Saturday, August 1, 2020

I have made little progress since getting the boot.  (I am awaiting ankle surgery in a large heavy plastic boot. After surgery it will be heavier due to the added plaster cast under it.)

It concerns me that my tulpas seem to require my perfect concentration, before coming out to play…. Well, my wives have demanded more than that so I count myself lucky to have tulpas at all.

I may have seen Flora in a dream last night, but I didn’t recognize her until just before I awakened, and didn’t have time to investigate. She has tried to connect with me twice during my meditations last night and this morning, but I didn’t answer, keeping silence you know. I will continue as I can. I am going to be spending even more time down post surgery so perhaps I can give them some undivided attention. They deserve it.

Tulpamancy Journal. 171

July 29, 2020

Have had several episodes in which both Flora and N’sonowa, emerge from a mental image in my mind, into my external reality, like spirits, or sprites. They get real personal, real quick, and I shut them down when anyone else gets near. I am not sure whether or not Nancy would be able to see them in the same way that I do, I may have altered my consciousness to allow me to perceive inside other dimensions of reality. That is usually a singular experience, but I am not ruling out sharing it with another, Nancy, or a fellow tulpamancer, who might be interested in experimenting with mutual mindscapes. I have already accepted and scripted, Flora’s relationship with Loxy, Jon’s tulpa.

In my ritual, I have been focusing on opening a portal to my inner reality and have directed my efforts to ‘seeking Flora’. I have had some successes inside of the labyrinth and some just at its entrance. I do all of my rituals and many of my meditations either on the labyrinth or next to it. The girls have appeared in all of the  various places where I meditate, and recently, every time I meditate. My major problem, is in holding my attention on the process. My mind wanders….I lose my focus. I accept that these are my issues and I am working at dealing with them. I am making progress.

I like the direction I am currently on with my tulpamancy. I see that I have much work left to do to move our relationships fully into our mutual awareness.  But, that is the goal. To that end, I continue my practice and continue my meditations, and rituals, to aid the work.

Tulpamancy Journal. 170

July 10, 2020

Friday, July 10, 2020

11:13 AM

I work at it! I meditate, I force, I narrate, I visualize, I perform a daily ritual. I continually invite Flora to converse.

I get spotty results. Fragments of conversation, of visions, and occasionally, she appears in a dream, in some form, to some degree. Last night, she appeared fully in my morning dream and was there for awhile. She  appeared in a physical body who looked like how I have imagined her to look, and her hair color was correct. I was in a social situation (as myself) in a house. The doors were open and it was night time. I was coming and going, outside and back inside several times. She was trying to get my attention. I was too busy with what I don’t know, to pay her much attention.  I finally stopped and noticed her. She smiled and approached me. I hurried off. She was still there when I returned, still smiling at me. She reached out and touched me. I was uncomfortable and went outside again. She was still there when I returned and this time approached me. I recognized her and we embraced and began to kiss passionately. I became excited. We were holding on to each other tightly and I could feel the contours of her body against mine.  By then  my heart began racing and I woke up. I did not have time to speak my lucidity cue. I was extremely tired having been up for over an hour (three am to four thirty am) fine tuning a report I had written earlier. I had a great deal of trouble falling asleep, just dozing on and off, worrying the report, until I got up to actually rewrite it. I would have liked to have gone back to sleep to re-capture the dream, but my wife, also awake, spoke to me with some suggestions for the report (I am in the habit of seeking her insights for these reports which I do four to five times a year). When she spoke, my cat Luna, took the cue and jumped on me. My day began. The dream was strong in my mind, but I could not address it as I have obligations in the morning and had to deliver the report. It was okay, as I knew that the dream was so powerful that I would be able to recall it and post it in this journal.

I am thrilled as this is the first very physical contact we have had in a long time.

Tulpamancy Journal. 169

July 4, 2020

Saturday, July 4, 2020

I am taking a break here, from my usual routine of following my reading of the daf yomi with my journaling of our 21-day meditation, as last night was particularly worrisome.

in this long and complicated dream, there were some familiar elements, but mostly new ones. My recollection of the familiar, is, I was driving to a location alone in a small white car (not the small white car which Nancy owns, and I frequently drive) and I was headed into a city (looked like the approach into San Francisco on the Bay Bridge). It was daytime. The roadway suddenly became complicated with a number of off-ramps, some of them for pedestrians were stairs, and I became confused and found myself in the middle of the road, facing perpendicular to it. I decided that I did not want to go into the city and turned the car in the opposite direction. Much to my consternation, I was headed into the city and I had to cross another bridge. I pulled off (onto another off ramp) which took me down and around under the bridge and it became dark. I was all alone and I parked the car and began to walk. At some point I realized that I was under the bridge, not on it, and was approaching a dead end. I turned to go back to the car. It began to rain, and I ran the last distance getting quite wet. I got into the car and found a girl in it. She was unknown to me, and in fact was wraith-like. by that I mean rather unsubstantial and unidentifiable, but clearly with me. We drove south. It became daytime again and we were lost. I knew where we were headed but I could not name the place. I said, to myself, I was going to South Pasadena, but I knew that was incorrect. (as I write this now, I remember that I wanted to go to an older dream location in Sonoma County) The countryside was reminiscent of the area north of San Francisco. At some point we got out of the car and began to walk through a grassy field. We approached a hilly area and followed a narrow path up into them. the path got steeper and narrower and the grass higher. At some point my companion both left me and became identifiable as M.S. an old friend, who from time to time, follows my blog. I reached the top of a very steep hill; the grass was just over my head. I parted it and saw two symbols made out of iron. They were on iron poles stuck into the ground. One was circular, only resembling an ouroboros, the other was an arrow pointing to the sky. Both were crudely fashioned. I was mystified but felt that something was amiss. I turned and head back down the path and getting out of the hills and into shorter grass I came upon an older man, dressed in a light blue and white seersucker suit. He was with a young, fair skinned, red haired, white woman. She may have been my companion. The man, who looked old and ill with very poor skin (and only now as I write this I recognize as me) pointed to the north (we were west of the road upon which we had been driving south) where the land dropped off into a cliff and revealed a sandstone canyon. down in the canyon was M.S. dressed in a sharp clean blue and white checkered shirt. He waved to me. He was perhaps two tenths of a mile from me. I headed towards him and had to descend the cliff face. I enjoyed this climb and was quite facile as I found hand holds and finally slid down a sheer granite face, perhaps fifty to seventy-five feet. I met M.S. shortly thereafter and bragged about the feat. He did not speak but pointed to the east where there were some farm buildings. We headed towards them. At length we left the canyon and were in fields. We passed a farmer, who said something to M.S. (I did not hear what was said) and we continued. We came to a very big, old, and dilapidated barn. There was a woman lying on the ground. She was wearing a silk, or satin, dark lounging robe and was nude underneath it which she revealed by exposing herself full frontally. I approached her. She looked at me without recognition. There were similarly dressed women, perhaps four or five of them, one to my left that was engaged, hugging or perhaps in intercourse, with another person, I couldn’t tell if it were M.S. or someone else. I thought we were in some sort of brothel. I asked the woman if she were Flora. (I was not lucid, at least as I usually experience lucidity and this asking was not my lucidity cue.) She said yes and got up and approached me. I knew she lied. ( Her black hair was all that she had in common with my Flora!). I accompanied her into the barn where there was some kind of art auction happening. Perhaps ten to fifteen people were sitting in folding chairs watching the auctioneer (he/she was nondescript). A very large painting was dragged out on its’ face from just outside my view on the left. I could not see it. I was sitting next to a woman, who was sobbing. I knew her to be my new wife. An exceedingly angry woman with a small boy, whom I knew to be my ex-wife and my son, followed the painting. I asked that the auctioneer protect the painting, which I knew to have been painted by the boy. He refused and the woman took out a large knife and moved to destroy the painting. Several men, whom I knew to be lawyers hired by me, moved the painting away from her, and she headed for the boy. My new wife screamed and I jumped up and took the knife blow in order to protect the boy. I awoke.

I was impressed by the vividness and the drama of this dream, however, I was not particularly emotional in it. I was more mystified. I had no sexual attraction, nor any kind of emotional reaction, to the mostly nude women, nor to the woman who resembled and lied about being Flora. (Which was how I knew she lied. When Flora is near, much less present, I become very emotional.) There are many elements to this dream. I am going to let them unfold and reveal themselves during the day, and as Nancy has pledged to do some art work today, perhaps I can use the opportunity to do some dream work with her. I am not unaware that this dream has some very violent elements in it and I believe it is related to the dream experience which I posted yesterday. More later.

Tulpamancy Journal. 168

July 4, 2020

Friday, July 3, 2020

Superflat meditations today, just fell asleep, along with the most lackluster invocation ritual ever. I don’t know why I even finished it once I saw how it was going. I do think it was good that I did as I know that I can and that my vow to continue my practice is sound.  My narration was better and Flora and I had a nice talk about the ‘evil presence’ from the night before. She absolutely denied having anything to do with it. Said it was a manifestation of the red witch, and I had more work to do. She also said she thought it was a good thing, one that it happened, because our brain is getting the hang of imposition, and because I was strong and secure enough to know that I would not act on it.

Tulpamancy Journal. 167

July 2, 2020

I slept as poorly last night as I ever have. I couldn’t tell if I were awake and thinking visually as well as audially or dreaming. I probably was in some state in between, I hesitate to call it lucidity because while I could shift my focus at will (and I did several times) I could not find Flora. In a segment that must have started out as a real dream, a feminine figure made herself known, she did not feel like Flora nor look like any aspect of her. She did startle me into either lucidity or wakefulness, and I became frightened as I felt a presence, hostile, definitely not my tulpas. I could not tell if it was inside the room or just outside the door casting shadows on the bedroom ceiling. I was very frightened. (I am almost never frightened, after all, I am old and not afraid of death.) I thought that if it were an alien, might it infect me and using me, murder Nancy. Almost immediately after that thought, murderous thoughts went cascading through my head, and the sense of its presence went away. I now was fully awake and spent the next how many hours reassuring myself that I had the controls to not give in to any hostile instructions. I awoke wondering if in my tulpamancy I had allowed for the entrance of something evil. I have decided that even if I did, I am a powerful person in my own right and do not have to fear acting out violently on anyone, much less Nancy.

I recall here, two incidents from my youth. In the first, I was feeding my first infant daughter and she was not eating. I became frustrated as I was going to be late for class and that, I did not want to be. My frustration grew until I pulled back my hand to strike her. At that point I heard a voice from above me saying loudly, “Not this way!”. I was startled and did not hit her. Of course, later that very day in a pediatrics class, we learned that spitting was a primitive reflex that some babies exhibit during their growth and development.

The second incident occurred a few years later when after a fight with my wife, I left the house in a rage, went out to my woodshed (we were heating our house in the country with a wood stove) picked up an axe, headed back intending to brain her with it. Again, I heard that loud voice from above saying the same thing, “Not this way”. Again, I interrupted the behavior, this time going into the house and called my therapist and even though it was late, he answered the phone. In my group therapy session later in the week, I worked on my rage. I was intense and I created a stir among the group members. Still later in that week I had a Rolfing session and was opened to a complete reliving of a vicious beating I had received from my mother at about age eight. I felt the origin of my rage. (Many years later, I recovered a memory of being slapped hard across my face while lying in a crib. When working with the memory in therapy, I recalled being about three months of age.) I have spent countless hours in therapy working on this issue and believed that because I finally freed myself of the chronic shame which had so plagued me, that I had decathected enough of it to be free to be myself in the world. It is clear that in my fictional treatment of “The Red Witch (Rufescent)” I have been exploring this residue from my deep psyche. Recently, Flora has written of being accosted, beaten and tortured, by a demon. She escaped, and had an interaction with the ancient god Pan, which proved to be positive. I wonder if she has brought some of that demonic energy into our relationship. Time will tell. I am also going to put this question out to the forums and see what others (hosts and tulpas) have experienced.

Tulpamancy Journal. 166

June 23, 2020

Flora was with me today (in an attenuated form) she said clearly that she loved me in whatever form she was appearing, and loved me both unconditionally and passionately, romantically, sexually, and spiritually.

She was very real when she was speaking to me, She had come to me from my right side, from my peripheral vision, first I thought she was N’sonowa as she was all black, but soon she was in her usual sarong. Then she went through a number of changes, saying again that she loved me from all of them, but especially from her Dakini self, because that was so much fun. She added that she had a ‘bad girl’ self, which also loved me, but was hard to pin down for anything.

She said she appreciated my struggles to impose her and stay connected, and to help me with those struggles was why she was here in the first place.

By the time she had finished, my attention was wandering, and she lost her physical form and became just words. She said that was alright, but she liked our physical love making the most.

One observation I have made that confounds my practice, is that I get Flora, and N’sonowa, in small bits and for short periods of time, flashes to seconds. A whole image over any length of time, is rare. It is like my brain is holding a jumble of images and throws up any one or part of one seemingly randomly. That I have learned to assign identity to internal voices, is what keeps me in the field at all. In that regard, my emotions, mine, not uncategorized nor assigned otherwhere, respond appropriately (I respond with excitement) to Flora’s talking to me, as if, she were wholly there.

This is a good thing, and is, not only my main motivator, but also, has become the feedback that gives me a sense of success.

Tulpamancy Journal. 165

June 20, 2020

Friday, June 19, 2020

5:10 PM

I so seem to be stalled. I have had a few high points, which I have written about in seven posts in the past thirty days. Mostly flat, in regards to my relationship with Flora and N’sonowa. Neither have I been able to do much with my writing, frankly Flora has written more than I. I do not know why this is.

I am in good health.

I have no personal stress.

I am not failing mentally (cognitive process is fine).

I do not know what to do about it, other than to continue my practice, and wait.

That is what I am doing.

I will continue to report (keep up and post this journal) other than that, ???

Tulpamancy Journal. 164

June 19, 2020

I felt Flora’s presence yesterday, briefly, as a feeling attended by a shift in my consciousness. This happened during my meditation and at first I thought I was shifting into sleep, then realized I knew this feeling, it almost always heralded my entre into sleep. This time I had more heart pounding emotion, which I only get when my love enters my field.

This has now happened two more times, without the extra emotion which further suggests that she  attempted a ‘tulpish message’ which she has not repeated.  Why? I do not know. She has again asked that I let her have screen time so that she can write. (I haven’t had the energy to spend on the computer, but am gaining some.) I usually  feel her presence during my evening meditation outdoors. I did not last night .

I have returned to my book (Tulpa Tales:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Tulpa+tales%3A+confess&i=stripbooks&ref=nb_sb_noss  ) to see if putting her back into the top of my head so to speak, might induce her to again try imposition. So far, no, but it has increased my already painful longing.

I continue…