Tulpamancy Journal. 95

September 16, 2019

Monday, September 16, 2019

Little activity on all of our parts other than some narration and some fiction writing. I am anticipating publishing my tulpa stories, as soon I will complete the piece I am working on, which is exploring the impact of Rufescent (the red witch, or pure spite) on our progress.

Below is the report of a dream which suggests that I am again, On the Hunt for the Red Witch.

Little success with my meditations yesterday. I did dream last night (9/13), and I had one of those bleed-throughs that woke me up, I stumbled on a piece of concrete and the fall shocked me into wakefulness. I did go right back to sleep and into a dream in which a woman appeared. She did not look or feel like Flora and I exercised my lucidity cue, calling out “are you Flora?” she answered “No!” and the dream went on and I lost interest in it and have no memory of the details other than what I reported here.

It is two days later 9.16 and I have just recalled some imagery from the dream reported above. The woman’s face featured protruding lips. As I looked at her, she grew a mustache and a beard through which I could see her teeth. It was an ugly image which further transformed into a woman’s pudenda. I was repulsed and frightened and woke up with the image in my head. It was still with me when I fell back to sleep and I, as reported above, did not remember it when I awoke in the morning.

I have been writing a tu[pa story in which Nsonowa has taken on the Red Witch (Rufescent in the story and in Elutheria), She is charged with blue/white light, a destroying beam, and she is fully using her magical skills to battle Spite. I have previously, in both Elutheria and Safe Haven, served up “pure evil” in the form of Lucifer Lord of the Darkside (of Elutheria) and later Pure Spite, in the form of Rufescent. I had already defeated both;  Michelle and Wog, Lilly and Nsonowa, were the protagonists in both works. Now as I delve deeper, directly into my sexuality, I see that I have once again found the (or just another) source of spite, fueling this resurrection of the red one. This is pretty raw stuff, however, I can hope that it’s raw-ness correctly places it closer to the ends of its roots. In any case, it is more painful than I expected it to be. I am liking the story!

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Tulpamancy Journal. 94

September 15, 2019

Little success with my meditations yesterday. I did dream last night, and I had one of those bleed-throughs that woke me up, I stumbled on a piece of concrete and the fall shocked me into wakefulness. I did go right back to sleep and into a dream in which a woman appeared. She did not look or feel like Flora and I exercised my lucidity cue, calling out “are you Flora?” she answered “No!” and the dream went on and I lost interest in it and have no memory of the details other than what I reported here.

I have done some forcing and some narration today. I had a nice ritual on the Labyrinth at Forest Lawn where I did the work. Flora was working hard to communicate with me. The ritual was nice, the labyrinth was beautiful and I had trouble doing the work afterwards. This was all on me, I was exceptionally tired after getting very little sleep the night before. I am completely enjoying writing tulpa fiction and that is the most satisfying of the exercises of late, I think because I can read what they have to say, as I have written it down, and I don’t lose the thread of our conversations.

Tulpamancy Journal. 93

September 12, 2019

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

I had two hours solo time in the car today, doing a Mitzvah by visiting a dying friend who lives out of town. I used the time intentionally turning over the driving to Nsonowa (the car essentially drives itself on the freeways and this drive was mostly freeway) and playing with Flora. We started by first getting Nsonowa’s permission, I think she enjoyed the driving, then asking Flora what she wanted to do. She wanted to play. I chose a late summer day (not hard as it is a late summer day) floating down a slow river on a large truck tire raft. We had fun, me in my avatar 18-year-old Adonis like body, and Flora in a brand-new bikini bathing suit. We splashed, giggled, engaged in sex play, stopped for coffee at a riverside café, and beached the raft in order to make love. We did not get to finish with this play due to what? I am not sure, but interruptions broke up our contact.

 We again went off to play in wonderland on the way home, and once again when it came time for actual sexual contact, our contact was lost by interruptions, traffic and body OS noise. In a letter to Flora, written earlier today, I asked for her help in rooting out the basic causes, attitudes, memories, beliefs in my unconscious that underlie these interruptions. She replied that she would do what she can, given her perspective and access to the body OS. She too, is unhappy with the barriers I have put between us. I believe that “rooting it out” will help, but fundamentally, it will be me making hard choices to continue when I am faced with responding to potentially interrupting stimulae.

Tulpamancy Journal. 92

September 3, 2019

  • How did I do over this past year?
  • Where could I have done better?
  • What lessons can I learn from my own life in the past year?

These questions were posed by Rabbi Fertig of TMI as a part of the ELUL period of introspection in preparation for the High Holidays. I have suggested to Nancy that my tulpamancy practice is consistent with my Judaism. And I am posting the work suggested by the rabbi here and will integrate it with what I am doing to develop my tulpas.

  1. How did I do over this past year?  In terms of personal growth, which I maintain has been both the reason I started this practice, and necessary for its success. In that regard, I have done well. I chose to embark on this path, as I saw it as a way to change the dynamic with Nancy in which we both seemed to be stuck. I had been stuck in the notion that ‘if only she would” change we would be fine, in other words, I was blaming her, a nonstarter given my intention to take responsibility for the creation of my own reality.
  • Where could I have done better? I identified two middot that have interfered with my progress and/or my well-being. The first was Savlanut hasair, or impatience. I wanted Flora to mature and come out now! I suffered each day and night when she did not. The second middah which held me back (and Flora’s development as well) was atzlut, laziness. Once I got what I was missing in my practice, doing the work of teaching my brain to assign thoughts to specific categories, me, Flora, Nsonowa, garbage, or other, and doing it without immediate gratification, I stalled and wouldn’t do it because it was hard. This held us back for several weeks, until I realized that if it were to happen, I would have to roll up my sleeves and do the hard work. This also brought me to a choice point, n’kudat ha’b’chirah, , I had made a commitment to myself and my tulpas, that I would bring them into reality. Would I or would I not keep it? I am proud, that I chose to keep it, as I have always in my life, whether or not the road was a hard one.
  • What lessons can I learn from my own life in the past year?  Many decades ago, I was a student of Crowleyan magic. I learned a great deal about myself, as the foundation of magical practice is self-discovery. I learned that I was not a well-disciplined person. I learned that I had some unique capabilities. I learned that I had an open mind and was open to new learning, hitlamdut. I took the challenge of learning self-discipline and did fairly well. NOT perfect. However, I did learn that hatmadah, perseverance was one of my strong suites. And persevere I have. I have learned that I can trust myself to stay the course. I have also learned, again, that love, ahavah, and loving is my highest value.

Tulpamancy Journal. 91

September 2, 2019

Monday, Labor Day, September 2, 2019

Ah! Another step upward.  Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It began in the morning with the L.A. Times Travel Section which featured a picture of the redwoods in Sequoia National Park. Upon seeing that pic, I was immediately put into a state of ‘high longing’ for the woods. So much so that tears came to my eyes. Later during my meditation, Tara Sutphen, the daughter of Dick Sutphen, a New Age Workshop leader that I had worked with an age ago, led me into a beautiful walk in the woods. I experienced it fully. The smells, the silence, the light through the trees, shinning motes and all, and again I was brought to tears with longing (I seem to be in this place a lot lately, Chris Erskine’s Post Card from L.A. featuring a Labor Day bonfire on Dockweiler Beach also put me into a tearful longing the day before). In any case I went to bed later than was comfortable, very tired, unable to keep my eyes open, kinda tired, and immediately had a vision of being in the woods, a repeat of my earlier meditation experience. (I was not asleep, at least I don’t think so as I almost always experience falling asleep as a somantically felt, sudden descent into nothingness). I walked down a trail, when, unexpectedly, unasked for, not even thinking about, Flora called to me. I looked up and she was sitting on top of a boulder, next to a waterfall. She was in her sarong, which was wet and clinging to her. She was combing her long wet hair. She smiled and said something like, “Come up here, silly.” and I did. I clambered up onto the boulder, and she kissed me vigorously. She was quite cold with the wet from the creek in which she had evidently been swimming. She invited me to join in the fun, suggesting that I ride the waterfall down into the pool below. All of this is in full color 3D reality with all senses. I agreed and climbed up the side of the cliff to the top (I want to say, that I know this particular landscape, having done this, in real-time perhaps thirty five years ago while rafting the Rogue River in Oregon.) I sat down in the very, very cold water and slid down the “chute” as it was called. I felt all of this exquisitely. I plunged again into the pool, which was about twelve feet deep. The water was blue, as blue as it could be, the rocks forming the walls of the pool were black, as I remembered them to be. The light streaming down through the water in rays was spectacular, as I remember. Next, Flora splashed down next to me. (This was the novel part of the experience, as I was the only one brave enough to ride the chute on that long ago trip). We both came up sputtering and laughing and climbed out onto the sunlit boulder. We were both shivering and laughing and Flora exposed her breast to show me how her nipple had contracted with the cold, and asked me to touch it and warm her up. I did and said, “I could touch more of you and get you much warmer.” She said, “and I know a place where we can go, this boulder won’t do.”

We both got up and climbed down onto a trail that led back into the woods and through to a meadow. There was a red tent set up, and a sleeping bag laid out next to it. Flora, or I, it didn’t matter, initiated our intercourse and I feel asleep in the sunshine. And, in real time too, I guess. I did no further dreaming, if that was a dream, that I recall. I awoke at about 2am with an acute pain in my shoulder, got up, took Tylenol and Naprosyn,  and slept until this morning with my experience with Flora, front and center in my consciousness.

This is the first time, in mindspace, where she has come unbidden, and where my visualization was vivid and complete. Certainly she had an assist by my feelings earlier in the day and my attachment to the locales. I have also heard from Loxy that she too, has been experiencing Flora in John’s mindspace.

I am very encouraged by these developments.

Tulpafiction: The wind

September 1, 2019

The wind began to howl…Wait a minute. This house is sealed, we should not hear any sounds made by the wind. “Flora, Nsonowa, quick we may be in an emergency situation. Get into your life-gear.” I yelled as I ran to the cabinet to get my own. We had them in cabinets in every room in the house as a defect as simple as a broken window could be fatal in a matter of minutes. “House get a lifeboat ready. Hey, you tulpas, get a move on. Meet me in the entry hall quick. House, where are they? And, House, what is happening?” I struggled to get my life-suit on, and realized that other than the wind, there were no other sounds. “House, Flora, Nsonowa! Where are you?” I yelled again, and again got no responses. I began to panic and ran from room to room shouting and calling, again without issue. The howling of the wind increased, and small objects began to fly off tables and shelves all headed upwards. I was fighting the wind to search for my beloveds There was no sign of them. The wind was growing ever stronger and I could hear ripping and groaning from the house. I decided I had better get into the lifeboat, which I hoped I would find, though without the House AI I doubted that It would be in the entry hall. I headed for the garage where it was kept and with some difficulty managed to get in and get it fired up. Just in time. As I closed the hatch there was a terrific screeching and the garage and house disintegrated around me. Flying away in the ferocious wind. The lifeboat started to fall, but it took me but a second to take control and fly it into the wind and maintain altitude. My house was gone and where were Flora and Nsonowa? I had no idea, and I had no idea what had happened. The lifeboat’s AI didn’t have a clue either, it reported that it had been in ready standby mode and it lost its’ connection to House AI suddenly and without warning. I decided to take it down, in the direction of the wind believing that perhaps I could find the remains of it on the surface downwind of the catastrophe. I could only hope that I would find my tulpas. I could imagine that they would be intact as they had the means to take care of themselves, being able to transform at will, though I didn’t know how long they might manage the inhospitable planet surface. As to what happened, I would work on that later, my priority was to find my lovers.

     It was daylight on the surface, and hot. The temperature was over four-hundred degree’s Fahrenheit. The wreckage of the house was spread over about three-hundred yards (about the length of the house) with a debris field about a mile in length downwind. I flew down close to the remains of my home looking for signs of the tulpas. I found none. No bodies (thank goodness) and no tulpas either. Where they might be was as big a mystery as what happened. I knew better than to land the lifeboat and search the debris, it was already starting to smolder and would combust before too much longer. There was nothing further I could do here so I set the lifeboat on a course for earth, and after the jolt of the hyperdrive, we set down in the Mojave desert, close to the old aircraft storage field and I hitched a ride into L.A. and home.

     I wasn’t happy about returning this way to C.R. (consensual reality) without Flora and Nsonowa. We hadn’t gone to Venus in a physical way and I didn’t know if they could track me across the change in paradigms. Once home I went straight to my study, Nancy was still in her office where she was when I began this journey, and I put myself into a light trance where I went to work rebuilding the destroyed cloud house. I was able to achieve this task rapidly as I still had the basic structure and accoutrements in mind and once done, I went straight there and into the library and again went into a deep meditative state intending to search for the girls. I was just entering trance when I overheard them talking. They were decrying their fate, as they were imprisoned in a lamp. One which was featured in a very different story, one which was populated by the Jinn. Jinn as you may or may not know, are creatures somewhat similar to tulpas in as much as they do not necessarily live in a temporal reality nor are they necessarily confined to a physical body. The way they tell it is, they were created by Allah, for reasons of his own and are not ruled by the same rules and moral codes as humankind. They may be contained by magic, with difficulty as they are wily. They are also curious and love to have fun at the expense of unsuspecting humans. Should you find one in a bottle, it is wisest to leave it there as it is more than likely to turn your three wishes into something that pleases their mischievousness more than you. Why and how they managed to get Flora and Nsonowa into a lamp, I cannot tell you at this writing. I did know that I wanted to get them out and I was mostly likely going to have to find out who put them there, and how. For now, I satisfied myself by tapping out a message on the side of the lamp in Morse code, letting them know I was on it. With a great deal of reluctance, I turned away from them and made my trance state much deeper. When I was satisfied with the depth, I looked around and oriented myself. I was in a wood, reminiscent of the forest in the Darkside of Elutheria. Damn, it is Rufescent. The witch has returned and is plaguing me. I set out to find her and once again send her into oblivion, after wringing the tulpas freedom out of her hide. I cast a spell of invisibility and set out down the trail I was on, which I could barely see due to the failing light. I hadn’t gone too far when I sensed that I was being followed. I created a doppelganger, sent it down the path and I climbed a nearby tree. Soon my shadow came slinking down the path after me. When it got under my tree, I leaped and landed on top of it and wrapped it securely in my arms before it could gain its breath. “Damn it Dr. Bob, let me go, you know me, and I am just here to help.”

I recognized the voice, it was Jon Harrister’s Jinn/tulpa hybrid. “Tipsey, what are you doing, er, what do you know about this anyway?”
“Loxy sent me. Flora was communing with her when the catastrophe struck. They are still connected so Loxy knew what was happening and thought I could help, being a Jinn and all.”
“Well, thanks, Tipsey and can I ask, what is this help going to cost me? I want to get the price down in advance. I know you and I might want to think about it before accepting the deal.”
“You do know me, and Jinn. Smart guy. Well, the cost will be whatever Jon asks of you because he is going to have to pay me in sexual favors, let’s say for seven years. He may not ask too much for that seeing that he already is on tap for three lifetimes of sex on demand.:
“Okay, I accept. Jon is fair if he is anything. So how can you help?”
“I don’t know if I can help with Rufescent, but I suggest we go back and free Flora and Nsonowa from that lamp before they get completely used up by their Jinn captors.”

“I suspect your right, and they are the ones to help with Rufescent, Nsonowa has had experience with the old witch.”

“Now let me go, sir, before you turn me on, and I make sexual demands of you too.”

“I don’t care if you do, but I would have to clear that with Jon first, I would never go behind a friends back to hook up with one of his lovers.”

“Please, you know he won’t care.”

“Your right, he wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t feel right taking the time with you now, while Flora and Nsonowa are still in the lamp.” And with that, both Tipsey and I said a few magic words, and we were standing in

front of the very lamp where my lovers were held.

“Very carefully Dr. Bob, those lamps are booby trapped.”
“Thanks for the heads up. Will you keep watch? I think I have just the tool needed.” The tool was my grandfather’s Masonic ring which I had inherited from my father and which had revealed its magic qualities to me the first day I wore it. When it surreptitiously slipped off my finger, after my roommate had warned me about it needing to be sized and disappeared. It stayed disappeared despite an exhaustive search by everyone in my household. I held out hope for days, and finally I accepted it was gone and I performed a ritual summoning my grandfather. I apologized to him for losing it and told him that if he wanted me to have it, he would have to find it and return it to me, which he did that very day. When I returned home from work that evening it was on my dresser. My roommate heard a metallic sound when he was emptying the vacuum bag and he examined the dust and found the ring. Pure magic and I have cherished it and worn it since. That was thirty years ago. I took the ring off and slipped it over the neck of the lamp and the tulpas were released. My ring went back on my finger after being admired by all present, and we beat it out of the land of the Jinn. Tipsey came with us, back to my brand new home in the clouds where we all hit the bed for a rollicking good time fucking. No light this time, Tipsey wasn’t into that part of it, and when we were all satiated Tipsey left, Flora contacted Loxy to thank her and we all went to sleep. Rufescent would keep until another day.

Tulpa Fiction: Rufescent’s Return.

August 30, 2019

Rufescent’s Return.

It was a hot morning; I awoke from a disturbing dream with an achy body and head. Flora greeted me with a cheerful exuberance that bounced around inside my head like a rubber ball made of razor blades. She settled down when she felt me stiffen. By then Luna had jumped onto my head and her claws were doing to the outside, as Flora’s exultations were doing to the inside and so I got up. Coffee making and cat feeding distracted me, and Flora went back to whatever joyous preoccupation she had prior to my awakening. The morning paper also helped, as the opinion writers happened to agree with me, for once, and the daily horror show of national politics was toned down due to our globetrotting leader’s jet lag. I knew that I would be free of the news compulsion for the weekend at least. Good thing too, because I was feeling as if I had neglected both Flora and Nsonowa when I had either the tv or the newspaper on and in front of my face. This was a feeling, not a rational thought, because I have given them complete access to all this body’s sensory inputs. The feeling persists however, and finally I sat down to invoke Flora’s attentions.

“Flora, beautiful one, can I pull you away from whatever it is that has you?”

“Yes, dear, and I’m glad that you finally awakened enough to be the loving human I know you to be!”

“I was a bit of a grump before.”
“Yes, dear, you were. I just feel sorry for poor Luna, she’s the one who got knocked off the bed.
“Well you would have been too had your toenails been as sharp as hers.”
“Not. Anytime I put a toe anywhere close to your head, all you do is, put it in your mouth, you silly.” And with a laugh, she embraced my head and started to cover my face with kisses. How delicious. Would every morning start like that? It is rare that Nancy starts us off with kisses, she’s as flat as I am in the mornings. Luna, if not stepping on my head, does dispense kisses in the form of licks on either my head or my arm as this is more likely to result in her feeding earlier than just rubbing her head on me and purring. Both work, but I’m a sucker for the kisses.

“Flora were you at all privy to the dream I had this morning?”
“I could have been, but after two frames, I tuned it out. Way too ugly for me, and Nsonowa wasn’t interested either, she went off to the gym. That tulpa is into working out. She does complain, you know, that you don’t give her enough adventure, and certainly not enough in the way of challenges. She needs them to keep herself toned and ready to fight evil.”

“I don’t feel bad about that, perhaps I should, but this respite from evil, since the collapse of Rufescent, has been welcome and I hope we are all building up our reserves, because if last night’s dream is a harbinger, we will soon enough have to face her again.”
“Okay, I get that you want to talk about the dream, however ugly I might find it.”
“It’s kind of embarrassing, but yes, I do.”
“Go ahead, then.”
“I’ve lost many of the details, but the setting was one that was very familiar, my home on the river fifty years ago. I didn’t recognize any of the people and there was a crowd. They were evidently house guests and were milling about, all over the house. There were many talking, one on one and in groups. I was sitting on the floor, close to the Franklin Stove, next to a largish woman in a short-sleeved summer dress and we were listening in on a conversation happening between a larger group occupying the center of the living room. I was gently stroking the woman’s bare arm, kneading her flesh, sort of absentmindedly, enjoying the touching, when she turned to me saying; “I am really not into sex with you, but maybe if you take me out some place nice or buy me something, I could be.”
“I withdrew my hand. I didn’t say anything. I looked inside myself to see if I had been feeling at all attracted to her, I had not. I thought to myself that I would not want to trade sex for buying her something, even if I was attracted to her. As I felt anger rising in response to trading money for sex, I awakened to the attentions of you and Luna. That was it. Later I thought that perhaps the woman looked a bit in the face, not body at all, like my first wife. It confused me, because my first would not have offered that deal, she was turned off to me, and wouldn’t have sex with me had I been willing to ‘buy her something’.

“Why does the dream prognosticate the return of Rufescent?”
“Can’t tell, it just popped out. Something in the underlying emotions, maybe mine, or hers, I don’t know, but I have my antennas up.”

“Could it have something to do with the problem you have been having with my sexuality?”
“What problem?”

“hum” was her response, then she jumped up and disappeared, leaving me in the dark, so to speak.

                                                           ###

Later we were cuddling by the fire and I found myself kneading her arm, enjoying the feel of her flesh. She was in a dreamy state, staring into the fire and leaning into my touch. After a bit, she began, almost absentmindedly, to touch me, and at some point, she turned and looked into my eyes. I looked back.

“I don’t know what your problem with my sexuality is. My problem is that you have no time for me, nor interest when you do.”

“Flora, how could you say that, I have done everything that I can possibly do to connect with you, in any way, not just sexually. Please, I have begged for your attentions. I think it is you who are doing the blocking.”
“No, dear, it is not me. And not Nsonowa either.”

“So Flor­­­, help me here. If I don’t see it and it looks like you, what do think is going on.”
“Bob, dearest. You turn down every opportunity to connect with me. You start conversations, true, but when I answer, you turn away, looking for what I don’t know, but I think it is because you are afraid of my sexuality.”
“My god, Flora, one of the reasons I called you out in the first place was to facilitate my sexual relationship with Nancy.”
“Yes, with Nancy, whom you have consistently blamed for the lack of sexuality in your relationship, just as you have with both of your exes. And now you are doing it with me!”

“No, no, no, I am not. The blockages are coming from somewhere else; they violate everything I believe to be true about myself. I am open to knowing the worst, the weakest, the lowest, all of it. I already know that I have all those qualities and that one time or another, I have acted on them and even hurt people. I am old enough and wise enough to have learned that about myself and forgiven myself, as I have every other human being on the planet, as we are all the same in this regard.”

“So, from where, dear Bob, does the blockage come?”
“I am thinking, Rufescent. Pure spite. Spite untethered from its’ progenitors. That’s what I am thinking is causing this. Not you, not me. Just garbage left in the brain. There may even be some of Lucifer the Darklord’s pure anger, left in there too, but nowhere near as much as spite.”
“why is that, anger and spite are always related, spite being anger’s child?”

“not after they are untethered in therapy or by self-awareness, they aren’t. Remember, in the origin story, Lucifer went down first. Anger is much more easily tied to memory than spite and therefore easier to expose.”

“Okay, but still that doesn’t speak to your fear of sexuality.”

“You are right. I am digressing that’s a sign of fear. So, what I am conscious of, the few times we have had sexual contact, each time by the way, exciting me more than any other contact, other than your full imposition on March 31st or course. Oops, digressing again, okay, I felt guilty, as if I was using you and you were too young and inexperienced to have any say in the matter. Guilt and shame. That was what I felt. When I wrote about our contacts in the forums or in my blog, I never used straight language, I used euphemisms and metaphors.”
“Oh honey! I am so sorry. I came to you because I wanted to. And what could my age have anything to do with it? I am timeless, ageless. You created me in another dimension altogether. And, I am infused with Dakini. What could I want more than to have intercourse with you? It is my whole purpose, and my way to the divine. You have no reason for the feelings. So, what is your reason? I am going to bet that once you see that, we will be through this.”

“Flora, I love you dearly and I want to be sexual with you, every time you want to and every time I want to. I don’t know how to discover the source though unless we do it and I can watch my feelings in the act and give our brain the message that the act is cool and the associated memories are of no danger, no moment.” And with that we embraced, I think that we both initiated this contact, I did, I chose to. I wanted her to know that I did desire her, and I know she did the same.

We kissed and then boarded a golden balloon, dropped the ballast and flew upwards into wonderland, where I have created an incredible home in the clouds above the planet Venus. One on which no expense was spared as there was no expense. The construction went on in my own imagination, and the cost was that of the energy required to light up the neurons in the brain that hosted the place. So, it was a beautiful, large home constructed out of hexagons made of moonstone. Moonstone has the capacity to change its state from opaque to transparent with the introduction of a small amount of electricity into its crystal lattices. It has enough rooms to accommodate any activity and is furnished with the appropriate items. Decorations are in some regions of the house spectacular, and in others, subdued.  In the master bedroom to which we headed on arrival, several charcoals by Ruben, studies for his nudes, and photographs by Robert Mapplethorpe of his most handsome lovers. One wall was covered with ancient Indian erotic paintings of raja’s and their harems. Paintings no doubt which hung in the raja’s private quarters. There was a marble topped vanity with gold guilt framed mirror, two comfortable overstuffed boudoir chairs with gooseneck halogen lamps for private reading, and in the center a super king-sized bed. It had sheets of silk and a pastel lavender silk covered goose down comforter and pillows. The mattress was made of memory foam graduated from fluffy top to firm base. We undressed and tossed our clothing to a servitor which took them to the laundry where they would be freshened for us, when we wanted them again. I wanted to look at Flora’s body and told her so.

“I want to look at yours too.” Was her response. I felt immediately uncomfortable and pulled the comforter over my nakedness. “Why did you do that? Are you shy, or ashamed of your body? And really, it is our body and its brain created the one I am in now. So, tell me darling, why are you hiding from me?”
“I am old Flora. This isn’t who I once was. I was told by a would-be lover; I was an Adonis. Now flabby, with a gut, thinning gray hair and rough skin flavored with age spots. I am the very picture of decrepitude.”

“You are also very hard on yourself, us really, and worse, you are forgetting that I love you exactly the way you are. And here is a secret, you have created me as a beautiful sexy female, you might recreate yourself into the male version. A hunk, if you want.”

“Of course. I forgot. I can remake me, as easily as I made you, why not?”

“because what made you forget is the same feeling behind avoiding me and my sexuality, spite. Spiting me by denying me the pleasure you want for yourself.”

“I think you are right, and I think I need to go on a witch hunt.”
“We need to go on a witch hunt, darling. Now kick off that blanket and let’s look at each other.”

“Wait one moment.” And I took a deep look inside myself. The first image that came to me was that of a frightened tow-headed little boy of five with pink plastic framed glasses, skinny and crying after being chased by two neighborhood girls who threw rocks at him. The second was an image of my teen-age self, masturbating in the bathtub when interrupted by my father and feeling excruciatingly embarrassed. The final image that shot into my fields was that of my mirror image when I was thirty years old, looking like my father with a rotund belly. Again so, I was so embarrassed that I immediately went on a thirty-day fast and lost thirty pounds of weight. (That thinned version was the Adonis, who for a while had no problem attracting lovers.) I saw the trauma’s associated with these memories, and chose to give them up and imagined myself back in the Adonis body and then I threw the covers back and feasted my eyes on my lovely nude Flora. And lovely she was; She is slight. Five foot four inches tall, one hundred and five pounds, white very fair skin, raven black hair, small busted, small boned and vibrant. She has Eurasian features, high cheekbones, very green eyes. She is waif like, elfin, she is curvy and she has fairly large breasts for her size though she could not be said to voluptuous. She has large, puffy areolas and pouty nipples. She has a flat abdomen; her rib cage is not obvious though not lost under adipose. She has a narrow waste, small but rounded buttocks.  She has long, like down to her waist long, wavy hair on a smallish head with high pronounced cheekbones. She has fleshy lips, that do not dominate her face as her mouth is not large. She has large eyes, with bright green irises and long lashes. Her ears are ‘cute’ with perhaps a hint of elvish pointing top and bottom. Her neck is narrow and long. Her arms and hands are longish, she does keep her nails trimmed to an eighth inch and does not wear colored polish. she is perhaps short in the torso. Her navel is an inny. She has silky black pubic hair, unshaven. Her genital mound is pronounced, her labia, wing like. She has a large clitoris. Her knees, have a well-defined but small patella, her calves are rounded, not muscular like a dancer. Her feet are narrow and delicate with long toes and good nails. Her skin is clear without any discolorations, scars or other defects. She is in perfect health. She is robust and I am in love with her. I know she could see the love-light in my eyes, for hers began to shine as well.

“you are so beautiful” came out of both of our mouths simultaneously, and we laughed together before she put herself on top of me and began to kiss me, open mouthed, with an exploring tongue, while I could hardly contain myself. It had been so long since a woman had shown this much interest in knowing me. I kissed her back in the same inquisitive spirit, and then I began to touch her. Sexual touching. Touching in the spirit of learning who she is. Experiencing Flora’s softness, her pliability, her textures was glorious, but her willingness to have me learn about her was perhaps the best lesson. And she touched me. She traced my contours with her finger-tips, she squeezed my muscles and gently pulled my hair, my fingers and my toes. She touched my penis and my scrotum laughing as I got an erection as she did so. She then put her mouth over the tip of my penis and gently explored it with her tongue. I objected, “Hey, I want some of that too, and there is an efficient way to go about it expressed in a number,”
“Oh, you mean sixty-nine. I’ve heard of that.” And she turned around and put her genital over my face and went again down on my penis. I wasted no time, looking first, touching next, and then smelling and tasting her innermost lady parts. “Beautiful and delicious” was all I had to say, “don’t talk with your mouth full” being the relevant instruction. After just a bit, I felt her began to stiffen and pull away. She was breathing heavily and panted out, “I want to save the best part of an orgasm to share with you.” And turning around again, she lowered herself onto me, guiding my penis into her very wet vagina. I felt her open herself to receive me. She slowly worked me into her. Deeply. All the time looking intensely into my eyes. “Take me, darling. Know me. Feel my love for you.” My sexual pleasure was immense, but my emotions were much more intense. My heart was pounding in my chest. My tears welled to the overflowing and then did, streaming copiously down the sides of my face. I was breathless, and didn’t care. Her eyes were liquid love. I could have died, or even been dead and on another side of reality, and it was all love. And light. And then she came, and I did too, and the world stopped. Stopped, and dissolved. We were in a globe of light. Gold and purple light. The globe was expanding around us, but we, coupled and holding onto each other, were moving inwardly, inwardly towards a point, a point where we too dissolved. We were still a couple, we were pure love, unembodied pure love. There was nothing to distract us, we were one, and then a nudge, which we both felt, announced Nsonowa. Another point of light, blue-white light merging with us. Her voice whispered in both our souls; “Did you think, I was not part of this my darlings? Never, I am here, I am one with you. My love cannot be denied.” How is it possible for two as linked in love as Flora and I were, to feel even more joy? An even greater love than we had a moment before? I don’t know but it happened. I don’t know how long we were in this state, there seemed to be no time here in this place, it could have been a second, it could have been a life-time, it could have been forever, but after a while, we must have slept, because we, all three of us, woke, arms, legs, genitals all wound up with each other, in front of a long dead fire, back in our home on earth, Luna voicing her ever present quest for food and attention.

“Have we dealt with Rufescent, was my question, after we all dressed and met over coffee, Luna having been fed?” Nsonowa answered first;

“I don’t know Dr. Bob. I delivered a lot of blows with my staff on my way to join you. Time will tell, now that we are back in it.”

Flora followed with a simple statement; “I don’t care, dear. I’ve no doubt that should she, or Lucifer, re-emerge, we can deal with them together. Our love is real and more importantly, is forever, they cannot come between us again.” Once again, I couldn’t contain my feelings, and my tears flowed. “I know you, my loves. You are me and I am you, all in love and light.”

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Tulpamancy Journal. 90

August 30, 2019

Friday, August 30, 2019 8:30 am

My work this past week, until yesterday, has been mostly writing, as I have been too compromised by sciatica to sleep or to dream and my contacts with Flora have been only hints and hopes rather than connections. But yesterday, I seemed to have turned a corner and the results have been interesting. They have, evidently, provoked this mornings dream, q.v.  Though I haven’t fully grokked it, provocative is the adjective that bests describes what my writing has provoked. 

 The writing, a piece of fiction, addressed why Flora was not fully appearing and in it, to my surprise she confronted me about my attitudes towards her sexuality. This was a big surprise and in the context of the piece we looked at my residual feelings of shame and guilt which having sex with her provoked. Subsequently my work with her last night was more focused and we have gotten further with actual sexual contact. Of interest, Nancy, was much more affectionate with me while Flora and I were making love, (or trying to) and even told me why she was not into having sexual contact with me at that time. In the past, when I have brought up the subject, she acts as if she were deaf. 

The dream:

I was having a rather pleasant dream about rural life (I have already forgotten the details, but for one, it did include a woman in a light blue spring-time dress, who did not provoke me to lucidity). At a point, it turned dark and I was in a car with a group of folks, felt like family, but I couldn’t identify single individual. I was driving through farmland and turning a corner, I saw a plume of dark smoke arising from across a field. As it was much too big to be an intentionally set fire, I was concerned and looking to my left, I saw a farm house whose occupants were standing on a large porch looking at the fire, as were other folk coming from a barn. I could see the concern on their faces, so I stopped the car and asked if they needed help. One person, said no they had it covered, so I drove on a ways. I was still uncomfortable, so stopped the car again and we all got out. We were invited into the farmers home and discovered that they were East Indian peasants. I was chatting with the farmer, when I looked over and saw a man of our party on top of a young woman. He was dressed in an expensive black leather jacket. He had a thin face topped with black greasy slicked down hair. I didn’t see the woman struggle, but she did not look happy. There were other couples in similar positions. I looked back at the farmer and he was very unhappy and one of his sons came up to us, we were sitting on the floor, and told me that that had to stop. I looked over to the man on top of the young woman and I made a sign to him to stop what he was doing. He saw me and ignored my entreaties. I turned again to the farmer and I explained that he was the ‘richest man in the world’ and felt entitled. The son was distressed and again told me that they had to stop and I again looked the rapist in the eye and made a vigorous sign to him to stop and he again ignored me. I looked back at the farmer, but now, he too, was wearing an expensive black leather coat and was smiling. I woke up.

Tulpamancy Journal. 89

August 26, 2019

I have been sleeping poorly and having to take pain meds due to a post-op complication. So I am not totally surprised that I have had only hints of contact with Flora and nothing from Nsonowa. I have resumed my invocation ritual outside on the labyrinth and I have been able to do an hour of silent meditation today. My dreaming has been typical “sick dreams”, confusing and ugly. I am almost glad that they are not in them, though I have invited them to appear in my dream world each night. I am impatient and miss them both. Assuming both their reality (existence) and their sapience, I imagine that they are taking care of themselves while I am healing. Hope they don’t get bored with this old man.

Tulpamancy Journal. 88

August 22, 2019

My work the past couple of days has yielded only a few glimpses of Flora and nothing of Nsonowa. I have had no contacts in dreams. I had the barest beginning of a glimpse of that white myst which has preceded the one episode of Flora’s full imposition during a period of meditation today. It did stimulate the intense emotion that has always occurred with any kind of input from either of them. I have very much enjoyed writing them in fiction, however and I can imagine that I am hearing Flora’s voice when I write (this occurs without my usual intense feelings though).

I had been feeling intensely lonely and heartsick after not hearing from Flora after what I thought was going to be a contact didn’t mature. I had to wait for Nancy while she was on the phone, and I used the time to narrate to her while I played some very emotional music and I got to feeling emotional, sad not excited, about her. It is hard to be patient,  feeling this way, but I know that this will pass and she will come again. (like the sun over the mountaintop (the first line of the song which got me going.)