Archive for January, 2019

Shame.

January 17, 2019

01.17.19 A month and ten days since a log entry, shame! I have written though. My novel, the as yet unnamed RR. (for Reanimation Rag) Part I Re-Write, occupied me until I set it down for Safe Haven Stories to which I have been contributing five hundred word additions now for the past week. I have also added a few writing exercises and blog entries. Back to RR now and determination to maintain all of my many projects without interruptions. What has kept me from it to date? Laziness; Zerizut hasair! So this last thought slipped in at the very end of my meditation. It caught me in a daydream of my men’s group LA and one X.Z who declared joyously on a ‘check in’ that he was taking delight in being lazy, sitting in a favorite chair and doing nothing. I couldn’t help but admire, first his forthrightness about taking what I saw to be an ‘anti-life- LohChaim-attitude, but later, the attitude itself. Can I adopt it? “Laziness is in old age a virtue” Yes, with a caveat. Accept it in me and waste no more time fighting it. I have declared my laziness a virtue and intend to allow me to manifest it whenever it suits me to do so. I have also re-affirmed my intention to daily put each of my projects on the table and progress them. It has been my impulsiveness that has distorted my work ethic. I impulsively grab a project, one of my stories, a painting, a sculpture, drawing, computer lessons, etc. and run with it, stopping only when exhausted. A waste! Work one hour, put it down, take a break, like a walk, or stretches, or loving words to Nancy, then on to the next in the queue. My intention. We will see how well I work with my laziness also on the table. I am also re-redefining sitting with luna on my lap. Luna is my cat and I am spending a lot of time with her, petting and loving her. I called this, not a waste of time, but work. Contributing more love to the universe. Well, that’s over. It is not work, it is pure laziness and a win-win for both luna and me. I will employ the behavior liberally in pacing my day. (Note the language here. I do resist laziness. Okay, caught it. Now on to my morning. My beloved is up and breakfast awaits.

January: cold, damp, grayness

January 14, 2019

January: cold, damp, grayness. Oh, Mid-January with its cold damp grayness. I have been chilled for the past two days. When I come in to warm up, after any excursion outside, I over heat, then strip off layers, then chill, my body heat is bouncing up and down like a pogo-stick. Of course, I have a head cold. Been playing with this one since New Year’s Eve. I thought I was done with its last week, but no, out on full bloom for this weekend. My beloved has suffered more with a flu syndrome and a radical change in one of her business ventures which presents opportunities, only if she is up to the challenge. And she is not! She is at winter’s low ebb. Despite all of this illness, we were graced with visits from my daughter and her son and his s/o. Both of us got to smile and laugh. The rest of the time, I manage to get outside for one or more errands, damage control, repairs, clean up, or some-such-thing, at least once a day, and the rest of the time writing, reading or watching TV. The best part about the last three, is that I accomplish my goals sitting in my recliner with Luna on my lap. She is an amazing animal. Gorgeous to watch, she is almost completely graceful and would be totally so, had she all of her claws. She doesn’t know she has been declawed and as a result finds herself in clumsy situations on the leather arm rest or backrest of the recliner. She hasn’t fallen off but has slipped and scrambled many times. She ends back on my lap after a few such awkward excursions, purring, stretching, longingly staring at the cupboard where her treats are kept. She won’t stare forever though, she can tell when I am not going to relent and treat her. Then she either makes herself comfortable on my lap for the long haul, until I do treat her, or rather disdainfully she leaves my lap and nonchalantly walks away. I am okay with this, and quickly take advantage of her pride and go back either to my book or computer.

So, my question is: Does she, in fact, have ‘pride’ or is that my anthropomorphizing. When she is stretching in my lap and turns and looks in my eyes, is she considering me, does she even recognize me as a person? Am I anything to her other than an olfactory pattern with which she is familiar and associates with food, treats, and a warm lap? I suspect that she has no concept of self. That this rather miraculous organism, called a cat, reacts pretty automatically to my smell, my sound, and to a much lesser degree to light. (The vet has said that her vision is quite compromised by a cat’s variety of cataracts). Her muscles move sinuously under her skin, and her velvet fur ripples over them. Gorgeous. But, self-aware, hard to say. Especially since it is also hard for me to know if I am self-aware. The more I watch my self, I see so many versions of me and I have so little say over when or why or under what circumstances they are in charge of my being here, that I am seriously considering that like my cat, I am a collection of trillions of cells and billions of other collections that belong to other life forms while inhabiting my body. And that again like Luna, I react to my circumstances, by putting forth, not only behaviors but also single facets or aspects of myself. Who am I really? You know it is much easier to not think much about oneself and just stay reactive. Easier, but perhaps not happier nor satisfying. At some point in my life, I was not feeling particularly satisfied with my life. I certainly had all of the material pleasures that privileged white male status bestows, but, I didn’t have love. At least I didn’t have the kind of love that I both thought I deserved and in the defined relationship of marriage thought I was entitled to. My children loved me as children. I had friends who loved me as friends do, and I much appreciated all of that love, couldn’t have survived without it, wouldn’t have wanted to. But the keystone of it was missing. I did not have the love of a woman. My wife had actively rooted out of her heart any love she had for me. Did I have a role in that? Absolutely, (not that I could admit to it then), I was way too shame ridden to be able to cop to anything, but in any case, it wasn’t there. And it didn’t get any better in my second marriage, worse in fact. So I changed course. I decided that my loss of the love of once loving partners had to originate with me. I chose to own it. I took a sacred vow, out in the woods at night, candles, a circle of protection, calls to the four spirits, and the great spirit as well, that should I ever be graced with a loving woman again, I would stay the course. I would learn “unconditional love” and bring her home (to transcendent consciousness through our loving) and turned the entire matter over to the great spirit. Sure enough, a week later I met my beloved. For six months we had the greatest love affair of both of our lives. And then I moved in. There was plenty of need for me and my love in the house. There were three teenage boys who were basically fatherless. (I am still in loving relationships with them). My beloved, however, looked at me differently and a chill entered that wrapped a gray blanket around the body of light that we had been generating. It didn’t happen all at once, but slowly over years and I found myself once again in the same situation. But. I took on the challenge in a different way. I chose not to blame her for my loss. I began in earnest to look at myself. I have not liked a lot of what I saw. I have changed much of it. My beloved too looks at her life and her dissatisfactions and works to create changes. Both of us are engaged in this task, and I suppose if we weren’t both so stubborn and blind, and obstinate, we would have had that light body back in full shining glory. We don’t. It appears occasionally. Once and awhile we meet each other in a loving embrace. It is okay. Enough to keep me in life. I can imagine more. I am doing so (imagining more). I am certain that I am on the right path. Working to change myself, working to build a temple out of the love that lies at the base of my marriage. I will. One kindness at a time.

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(1171 wds)

After the Hoopla

January 4, 2019

W.Ex.#24

Friday, January fourth, two thousand and nineteen and the whoopla of the Holidays, New Years and the inauguration of the one hundredth and sixteenth congress is over. I am still suffering from a cold which kept me home, though I probably would have not gone out had I been well, as Nancy too, has not been well. Nice to have a spouse with whom I may commiserate. Once again, I have been at a low ebb of creativity, though I have not quit writing. We had a nice visit with my long-time friend Michael, who has appeared in this blog before. Now I am looking forward to a day, a week, a month, a season, a year, of simply living and creating what art I can. Simply living, should not be taken as a throwaway, I find great joy in my movements through each day. Today, the crisp cold weather and bright blue skies which greeted my first excursion outside to retrieve the morning papers, were my immediate pleasures. A breakfast of scrambled eggs made with half and half and goat cheese, seasoned with freshly cracked black pepper, was my second joy, made ever so much more fulfilling by the gratitude I feel by the abundance of my life and the hopefulness I have for those very many people around the world who have so much less, now that the first bit of compassion has emerged into Washington. (May we please see many, many more women move into the halls of power!). And please, my many men friends and colleagues, let us do whatever we may to support and facilitate their efforts to bring peace, love and compassion into the world. They don’t need our guidance, they don’t need our judgements, they may sometimes need our protection from the violence that testosterone fueled males have used to suppresse them for the past several millennia (we will know when they need it, because they will ask us for it) and in the meantime, I wish a happy and peaceful New Year to all. Love, Dr. Bob