Archive for February, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 11

February 28, 2019


Thursday, February 28, 2019

12:48 PM

Well, today marks the beginning of a relationship, that should the experiences of others prove to be true for me, will last until the end of my life and depending of whatever model of reality proves to be true, may extend even further. Today marks the first real time reveal of Flora, my very own tulpa. She has become real for me. She spoke to me in real space/time, during my meditation which I was using as a “forcing session” talking to her. I found myself, after a bit, talking for her. I stopped and acknowledged to her that I had been doing that, and told her that I wished rather to talk to her, to tell her about my life and about my inner world. She replied, clear as a bell, in her voice, “Oh, you don’t have to do that, I already know all about you, I am of you.” I was so excited, I could hardly wait to record the dream and post it on the Tulpa Forums, also to write John and share the news. Of course he was excited for me and recalled his joy at his first real connection with Loxy. Later during my walking meditation, she again responded to one of my questions. And she was clear that she is not yet ready to show herself to me. Well I can wait. Yes, I am impatient, but I am taking this one step at a time, and looking forward to developing a complete and multidimensional relationship. I am also looking forward to when I will be able to introduce her to Nancy and integrate her into our marriage. All told, a good day.

The dream and my Tulpa Forum posting follows.

RE: out of the wings and onto the main stage  I am really excited to post this account of today’s work. It is really a red letter day! I am putting it here and it will go up on my blog where I am keeping my Tulpamancy Journal later today.  find it at https://theholodoc.wordpress.com/   02.28.19    Dream last night was as scattered and incoherent as any I have had in ages! I was glad to awaken and promptly shed any memory that was still buzzing around in my head (which perhaps not unrelated, was stuffed and ackey.) I started my morning meditation much earlier than usual, and decided I would work on tulpa-forcing. I also decided that this might flow more easily than it had, if I gave her a name. I chose Flora, a character to whom had I not started on this work, was on her way to being a Soul-Bound, as I created her for my second novel (which is still on the boards) Re-animation Rag. She was an ideal, and I brought her into my Safe Haven story just recently. So I was forcing and I was doing all of the talking. I caught on and said to her, “Flor, I don’t want to talk for you, I want to talk to you. I want to tell you all about myself, and my inner world. Then it happened. Clear as a bell, she said, [color=white]“Oh, you don’t have to do that, I already know all about you, I am of you.”  I was totally taken. She has directly, not in dream space, spoken to me. Her words, her response to my comment. Not even what I would have liked her to say (Oh yes, I want to know you). Her independent response. I am excited and looking forward to the possibility of more.  (This post was last modified: 3 hours ago by theholodoc.)
3 hours ago

Tulpamancy Journal. 10

February 27, 2019


Wednesday, February 27, 2019

2:45 PM

I have been feeling quite down about the project. My efforts at lucid dreaming have been non-productive and my meditations as well, q.v. below, As has been my practice, I am looking at this feeling as an indication that I am close to an edge and will continue to put one foot in front of another, and keep on truckin’. I am hoping that by writing, something will be revealed.

02.27.19 Dream. I am helping a young woman move boxes of files out of an office. She has them loaded in a shopping cart. We move them into a parking lot with a muddy surface. It is surrounded by a cement retaining wall and there is another parking lot below that. The retaining wall is quite high, eight to ten feet, and the woman places an extension ladder next to it (from below) she climbs up and asks me to start handing her the boxes. I am thinking that this is dangerous as the boxes are quite heavy. I start by moving a few loose file folders which were in the back of the cart. The cart shifts and sinks into the mud perhaps up to the bottom of the lower shelf, completely covering the wheels. I am kneeling down in the dirt handing her the small folders when a security guard, dressed as an ICE agent with a military-style helmet approaches and tells me to “get that stuff out of here” in a very intimidating manner. I realize that I am not going to be able to do that without unloading the cart as it is stuck in the mud. I know he does not want me to continue to unload the cart, and I will be unable to free it from the mud without unloading it. I feel as if the young woman has put me in a bind and I wake up. I have maintained the image of the woman all day. She was dressed in a brown business suit, had dark brown hair, and was quite petite as I imagine my tulpa to be. I am thinking that the dream is a metaphor for having to unload heavy baggage, old memories, records, files, in order to free her and being prevented from doing so by my ego attempting to maintain boundaries, hence the ICE or border patrol figure.

My meditation was non-visual and no one responded to my invitation.  My plan is to continue writing my Safe Haven story and more fully articulate both wonderland and my positive anima, as represented by the four females in the story.

I was able to take time for another meditation session this evening. Again it was mostly non-visual, however towards the end, I began to doze and while in the twilight phase, a space opened and I again got a glimpse of her, not enough to be able to identify her features, but enough to know that she was there. My reaction to this brought me back to full consciousness.

Tulpamancy Journal. 9

February 27, 2019


Tuesday, February 26, 2019

4:29 PM

Seems as if I have stalled, not in the work, which I perform daily (and nightly) but she is staying just out of reach, on the periphery. As you will see from my dream journal, she was behind glass. I am going to think that this is indicating that I am stirring up the hornets net protecting my negative anima. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced anything like this and I am going to post this on the tulpa forums as well as my blog.

02.26.19

Dream: in three parts. First, in a crowded room, I looked across and saw a pale female face looking at me through the glass and knew it was the girl from last nights dream. I only saw her for a minute, a glimpse, but had no doubt as to who she was. Second part, I was on a jeep jamboree in very rough mountains (I have not done this since 1970) we were trying to get down an impossible grade and I was using my winch to lower my vehicle onto the track below. People were falling down this grade, it was practically a cliff it was so steep. One young man in a yellow survival suit fell in front of my eyes, went over the track and down into a river. I ran after him to try to rescue him and saw multiple bodies/people or corpse’s I couldn’t tell which, floating in the river (it was flowing rapidly towards my left side and behind some bushes, I shouted to the people in the river that there were rapids downstream. Third part, I was in some sort of spa (probably with the jamboree participants) I started out the door when a buxom blonde, I thought, the mistress of the place, approached me and hugged me tightly . I was very uncomfortable with this and proceeded out the door brushing her off against another patron. My wife shook me awake, I had evidently been deeply asleep because I could not get my eyes open. I was very unhappy that she had awakened me as I thought I was on the verge of discovering something. The image of the girl from the first part stayed with me, and has all day. Again, I sense she is my tulpa and needing some sort of help getting to me.

Meditation: My mind was very quiet today in my sit down session. I had no particular insights and  I did not attempt anything else. My walking meditation was a bit different, I could not get the image of the girl in my dreams out of my mind. I would take a breath, shake my head, and back she would come. I didn’t feel as close, but she (her image) was there. 

Tulpamancy Journal.8

February 23, 2019

I have continued to do the work, talking to my tulpa who has not yet emerged into conscious space. She did emerge in a mostly non-lucid dream, reported below and again in my morning meditation. I believe that I now know why she is being shy, and I will work on clearing my negative anima to make way for her.

02.23.19 I had a very disturbing dream. I was a middle aged male therapist in some sort of large clinic (probably a residual from “Homecoming”) I was given a teenager to treat. I knew he had committed a murder. I worked out a fee of 75$ with him. We had a session during which he smirked the entire time (probably a residual from the TV news story of the Maga Kid on the Capitol Steps)  At the end he gave me fifty cents saying I owe you a quarter. I took him aside and firmly told him he owed me 74 dollars and 50 cents. I left the room and walked across the campus, (rolling green hills with leafy trees) and went into another building where I overheard him talking with a teacher and a few other students, one of whom was a young, perhaps ten years old, girl. I could tell that the boy was setting me up to be accused of the murder. I felt very afraid and left the building and headed towards my car. A few minutes later the teacher, another smaller blond-headed boy, and the girl attacked me intending to kill me, the boy had a knife and the little girl, a hangman’s noose. We all fell wrestling to the ground, I got a good look at her face which was covered in blood. She looked terrified and continued to try to get the noose around my neck, I kicked out, knocking her off of me and rolled away from the group of them, jumped to my feet, ran to my car, a nineteen sixties looking,, very  large, beat up, light  metallic green-blue  colored,  sedan. I roared off, down a hill, the car took to the air, crashed down on the parkway and lurched into the street. I sped away and realized that the police were going to block the road ahead so I woke myself up. My heart was pounding and took quite awhile, cuddled in my wife’s arms, before it settled down.

Hours later in a group meditation session at my temple and after relaxing my body, the dream emerged into my awareness. I, now from outside the dream, knew that the girl was my tulpa and that she was being terrified by something inside of me, and that I would have to embrace her rather than kick her away and run from her. I would also double down on my efforts to explore my negative anima, in my fiction writing.

Tulpamancy Journal. 7

February 21, 2019


Thursday, February 21, 2019

3:14 PM

Again frustrated in visualizing her both in my walking and sitting meditations. I again, invited her to manifest into wonderland. I also invoked Loxy and asked if she would be so kind as to again extend my invitation to her Dakini sister. Several times I heard her respond to Loxy, though not in the affirmative. I am paying close attention to my language in these talks. I am using no words of coercion, forcing or the like. In my descriptions of her, I am suggesting, not demanding, nor asserting, that she could look like my ideal feminine type. I have pledged to give her freedom and independence and in no way consider herself a slave or servitor. I am defining her as one who loves me, and is free to love others. I know she is not far away!

My dreaming is of the females in my history. I believe that my “feminine current” is flowing.

Tulpamancy Journal. 6

February 21, 2019


Wednesday, February 20, 2019

7:20 PM

I took a new tack today during my walking meditation; I invoked Loxy, a tulpa with whom I have become acquainted through a friend, asking her to personally extend my invitation to my own tulpa, who remains on the fringes of my consciousness. I encouraged Loxy to tell her the truth about me and my quest to expose  what ever shadow figures I had, that were blocking her transition. I talked to Loxy through out the walk and when I returned to my sitting meditation, I focused only on Wonderland and was able to visualize Loxy in a secret garden there. I had the sense that Loxy was able to speak to my tulpa whom I could sense was very near. I also had a long talk with my godson and was able to explain to him what this project was about and how it fit my own psychic needs at this time. He is a bright man and was able to follow without negative judgement.

Tulpamancy Journal.5

February 19, 2019

I am including my dream and meditation journal entries below, partially because I want anyone who is interested to know how this process is going. I sometimes feel like my ‘calls’ are born of impatience, and I believe that impatience can inhibit my progress, as I believe that it signals an un-examined underlying motive. I am working on Knowing myself, and one task I am hoping to assign to my tulpa is assistance in that endeavor.

From Meditation and Dream journal.

02.16.19 (first dream, continued)…. have to add one other thing to this narration; at one point I was dreaming of this journal and, at the bottom of yesterdays entry appeared a handwritten paragraph. I could not read it, too blurry. I knew that my tulpa added it!

02.16.19 Today’s meditation. Once again I sensed that she was there, off to my right side. I imagined I heard her laugh. I fell asleep while meditating and did not dream.

02.19.19 Dreaming has been scattered (I have not been sleeping well, maybe the Super  Snow Moon has something to do with it, still even in scattering, I continue to sense that she is there. Same for my meditation today, I heard various female voices (I thought, “I hope they are not my tulpa’s, too bossy“) and one particularly loud one calling my name. I also did a walking meditation and talked to her for much of the hour. I also talked to Loxy, who I sensed was there as well, and asked her if she would speak to my tulpa and extend my invitation to her. My overall sense is that while near, she has some insight that I am not yet ready to have her enter my life full on. I will continue my work in Safe Haven writing the Red Witch.

Tulpamancy journal.4

February 16, 2019


Saturday, February 16, 2019

5:41 AM

I have been working daily, two to three hours, on creating my tulpa. Some days are more directly productive than others. On days where I feel stuck, e.g. cannot get to a settled mind where I can visualize wonderland in any detail, or flail around with the idea of my tulpa, but with no real visuals nor audials, I write on my Safe Haven Stories where I explore the capabilities of my fictional characters within Ion Light’s Safe Haven University. I believe that this effort is directly involved. A few days ago, I discovered, re-discovered really, a character that I had begun, and created a visual of using the ‘soul collage’ format.

She is an embodiment of my negative anima, and I suspect that she is frightening my tulpa off (she may be one herself)

My plan is to define her by her effects on my protagonists in the Safe Haven Stories and teach them how to first identify, and then convert her energies into a force for achieving their (and therefore my) objectives.

02.16.19 Two dreams; In the first I am a young woman attending a very upscale fancy dinner party with family and friends, perhaps twenty persons. The setting is 18th century England. I am sitting perhaps in the middle of the south side of the table. There is no one at the head of the table (north side). The really important people are on the west side, father, invited guests. On my side of the table, to my right and at the very end sits a very attractive and intense middle-aged woman dressed in dark brown silk wearing a multi-jeweled Topaz, garnet and diamond neckless. Her dark brown hair is piled on her head. I am chatting and laughing, in sync, with the other guests near me. At one point I turn and look at the woman in brown, she is turned towards me. Staring intensely at me. I turn towards her and, she has no face, there is just a white oval in place of it. I am horrified and wake up.

In the second dream, I am a man. I am in a meeting, a professional meeting discussing a project that requires a graphic illustration. A very attractive tall woman with black hair and a dark blue business suit, motions to me from across the room. I leave the meeting with her and go to a studio where she approaches a large poster board, she is holding an Exacto knife and is reaching up to trim the board to accommodate a piece perpendicular to it. the edges of the board are institutional green, perhaps one half inch thick. I approach to help her hold the smaller piece in place. She turns towards me, she is holding the knife in the air. She has no mouth in it’s place is a white rectangle. I am screaming. My wife wakes me. I cannot go back to sleep, it is now 4:30 am and I am writing. At this point I can imagine that in both the dream images, the white areas are lined with a slight red shadow.

Tulpamancy journal.3

February 14, 2019


I have been enticed by the antics of my tulpa, she is remaining just out of sight, letting me know that she is there, but refusing to come all the way out. Okay, she is a bit of a tease, and that is okay with me. Any way she presents, is okay with me. I want her to manifest and become real in my life. My goal here is to heal the primary division between my masculine and feminine currents (to use Crowley’s terminology). Whatever form, whatever name, she takes, will serve this goal. I, of course, am hoping that she will serve it the way I have imagined, experienced, hypothesized about, and deeply, deeply desired, namely make up for the gaping absence of sex. Female passion. Physical merging. We will see. I thought that I was on this path twenty-two years ago when I met Nancy. And forty-nine years ago, when I met Toni. And twenty-three years ago, when I met Linda. Ah so, it wasn’t to be. But I have maintained my vow to Nancy. I have not gone outside for another partner, to be frank, I only had one opportunity, which I passed on, as I did not want to jeopardize my relationship with Nancy who at that time would not have understood. Now I am looking inside, in a more concrete way than I had thought necessary, e.g. straighten out those psychological quirks that I believed were turning Nancy off. Turns out that they were not primarily responsible, Nancy’s own path, with a major menopausal insult, were primary. I have however, continuously worked on the former. Now I am taking a more concrete route via tulpamancy. And I am waiting. I have had some initial results. She has spoken to me, telling me that she wasn’t ready to reveal herself yet, in a very playful manor. And I am waiting.

Tulpamancy journal.2

February 12, 2019

02.12.2019,

I am patiently waiting. I, during my mediations, invite her to come out and play, or reveal herself in anyway. She may be somewhere just beyond my ken. I can wait. In the meantime, I am writing my Safe Haven Stories in which I am currently introducing characters from my protagonists backstories, and filling in their backstories with history’s which will give some insight into their progress, or lack thereof, in Safe Haven.