Archive for March, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 32

March 30, 2019

Friday, March 29, 2019

10:30 AM

03.29.19  A dream:  I am driving in the new Prius Prime. I am wanting to turn left at the coming intersection. There Is an old beat up pickup truck in front of me, moving slowly. It is rusty light green, but attached  onto the side panel of the bed,  is a piece of sheet metal painted white. As the intersection approaches, I pull out to enter the left turn only lane and the truck slows down getting in my way. I pull around and up into the left turn lane and the driver, who was not signaling an intention to turn suddenly veers into me as if he is trying to get into the lane. He hits me. I am blowing my horn and yelling at him, I drive up ahead of him and push him onto the side of the road. I am banging on his window demanding to see his drivers license. He puts down his window and says; “What do you want with my license? You hit me.” I lose it and yell all the louder and his wife gets out of the truck and I meet her at the side of the road. She is an East Indian woman. She is trying to explain that he is not all together with it. She shows me his drivers license and I wake up.  The old man, has thinning gray blond hair and a short white beard (as do I). He looks to be about my age. My first reaction is to think that this dream has no feminine presence, but is good as it is one of the first coherent and memorable dream I have had in days. (I did perform my usual ritual of inviting Flora to reveal herself and I talk to her extending that permission to choosing what ever form or mode with which to reveal, up to her. I also remind my self to become lucid if I see her and speak her name. I recognized the man as a standin for me at my current age, and the white car as the vehicle of my self. It was sometime later in the morning that I realized that the man’s wife was Flora and she was helping him/me, but also somewhat embarrassed by him.  My interpretation, is that I am letting some unconscious attitudes about my age, get in the way of Flora’s full emergence. On reflection, I know this is true, because I am having difficulty imagining having sex with her, even though in one very powerful dream, we did have sex and it was wonderful.

My meditation today explored my own resistance to having a tulpa onside my own head. I got there by meditating on the dream and realizing that I was not attracted to the wife. I fantasized about having an angry woman in my head giving me orders and demanding my attention. An unpleasant thought to be sure. Now, she could only be that way, if I created her that way. Modeled after my negative anima, no doubt.  So I have called down a Dakini Spirit. I have given her permission to manifest in whatever form she chooses. The pessimist me wonders, “Vat, are you Mishsuganah?” (one of the three questions asked of me at my Beit Din) It led to some creative quick thinking, but the answer was still yes.

Okay, I have control issues. I watch these emerge both with Nancy,. And from Nancy, and I understand that all I control is how I choose to react or respond to any given phenomenon. There are of course, consequences. I like to think that the consequences of responding with love are loving. I am still inviting Flora to be a loving part of my life, for the purpose of  helping me learn and progress in the art of unconditional loving. I am choosing to be confident in my ability to love and to learn from the experience. I am choosing to trust the process that emerges from my own depths. I have seen that I am fundamentally a loving human being and trust that I can choose to be that way no matter what my circumstances are. I will trust that I can and am willing to learn what Flora has to teach.

Tulpamancy Journal. 31

March 29, 2019

I had a day alone again. I spent much of it in meditation both sitting and supine, indoors and out. I had no direct contact with Flora. Some of the briefest hints that she is there but for whatever reason, she is not coming out. I am still very involved in my writing, and my feminine characters continue to take on life. Still, I am feeling quite empty. My ability to visualize seems to have decreased since the acid trip. Yet, when I write, I am having no problem at all letting my imagination run out onto the page. (er, screen). One day at a time, I continue on, though it seems that I am laboring on a steep hill.

Tulpamancy Journal. 30

March 27, 2019

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

11:13 AM

Again, not dreaming in a way that prompts either lucidity nor invites Flora in.

 In my meditations, she remains just barely in my consciousness. And I am not able to hold my attention in those spaces for very long.

 Patience, Bob, Patience!

In the meantime, Nancy and I are getting along better than in years. Hugs and kisses before bed and in the morning, and all day long, (when we are together).  I have to believe that my efforts to create Flora, and communicating well with Nancy about same, have had this effect. If so, then I am meeting my main objective.

I am going to continue with this, as I believe that despite my age and my post-prostatectomy status, that sexuality is still a part of my healing process. My doctor assures me that I am not so altered physically that it is unreasonable, and, as it has been a sure road to joy and love and transcendence, I have to believe that Nancy and I,  and Flora, have yet to achieve a tantric union, so I persist.

(Did you know that my Jewish Name, Israel, at its’ root, means “perseverance” this according to my rabbi.) Well that’s my motto (It is also in the Tao Te Ching as in “The Sages say; Perseverance Furthers”) 

Tulpamancy Journal. 29

March 26, 2019

Monday, March 25, 2019

03.25.19 9:35 AM My dreaming of the past two nights, has been of scattered and incoherent images which I do not remember. My meditations have been erratic, at times unproductive other times, exciting. Last night for instance, I put myself in bed, waiting for Nancy to finish up her work and go to the hot tub for our nightly ritual. I invited Flora into my space and closed my eyes. The noises in my head (I am quite deaf and have very loud tinnitus) were especially loud and intrusive, so I used them as a focal point in my mind upon which to center my awareness. I had my eyes closed so was looking at their insides, orange/yellow light. I suddenly became aware that I was not the only one looking through my eyes! She was present inside of my head. She was just a presence, I looked around, inside my head and I caught a glimpse of her figure hiding behind my eighth nerve. Just a glimpse and then she was gone, and has not yet returned. I was so startled by this experience, I jolted out of my meditative space and could not settle down, either in the hot tub, where I related the experience to Nancy, nor for most of the night. Ergo, I slept poorly and did not recall dreaming. It has occurred to me that the thrill, shock? Of my experiences have consistently knocked me out of the state of awareness in which Flora is trying to make an appearance. If this is so, am I like a little kid awaiting Santa Claus? I will pursue this line of enquiry in my meditations.

I approached my evening meditation with a little more patience. I invited Flora into my space and fell silent. At one point I thought I heard her whispering to me. I decided in was most likely me parroting, and let it go. She did not return. My head has been full and stuffy all day a fact which I think may validate my perception of her inside my head during my last meditation.

I was still pretty excited though not shocked into a changed mental state.

Tulpamancy Journal. 28

March 24, 2019

03.23.19 6:10 am. Last dream of the night. I walked into a room, it could have been my library on wonderland. The young woman, whom I had identified as Flora in my lucid dream of two nights ago, was sitting at a library table, reading a book. I looked at her, I was startled by the recognition, I spoke her name; “Flora!” She looked up at me, smiled, and I awoke suddenly. It was twenty minutes after six am. I had invited Flora into my space each time I got in bed, I was up several times during the night. I also reminded myself to test my lucidity by speaking her name. I find myself confused. Why did I go from REM sleep, THROUGH lucidity, “Flora” into full wakefulness? The shock got me not only awake but out of bed and making this record. I am ambivalent about this woman. She was right out of a dream in which I identified her first as Flora, then as my first wife (aged 17, circ: 1962)  I am awaiting further clues.

I felt that she was close during my afternoon meditation. I was in the hot tub under a blue sky, graced with white and gray fluffy clouds moving eastward. I invited Flora to reveal herself to me and then went into silence. I watched the clouds travel the sky, at one point I recalled the image from the dream, I was looking at a child. Perhaps 16, 17 years old. An adolescent at best. I remembered my friend Cassey. I was in love with her, for one night, a Christmas eve. She had invited me over. I had taken a small dose of L.S.D. and when I walked into her house, and she greeted me in the glow of a decorated and lit  Christmas Tree, I saw her as holy.  She was filled with Divine Light. We made love on the floor amongst the wrapped presents. I have never forgotten the sacredness of the experience. Cassie’s coloration was the same as the girl in the dream. Cassie would have been perhaps ten years older. She could be contributing the color and the short hair. I then looked into the clouds and I saw an adult feminine figure in the clouds.  I felt that Flora was sending me a message. She is not a child. She can be child-like, shy and playful, but decidedly not a child. She is a fully formed adult. I know because I saw her in the clouds. An important meditation and milestone.

Tulpamancy Journal. 27

March 23, 2019

Nothing from Flora directly today, so I wrote her a letter.

Dear Flora. If I could record my  conversations with you which I carry on in my mindvoicing, I would  be called a poet. At least because, there would be no punctuation. I cannot complete a thought as I am not willing to write your responses. Those would be my own wishful thinking. And that in itself, is redundant. I would not be a tulpamancer, if I didn’t wish for you to exist within me. So no point wasting my meditation time with that. However, I am not wasting my time waiting for you to reveal yourself. In so many ways, I have been an impatient man. A trait that can be a real problem if out of balance, impatient for love to reign in the world, probably a good thing. Impatient for a birth to happen, probably un-helpful. So you may know, I am making waiting for your birth, a good thing. It is giving me time to more fully engage with your birth process. And that is giving me more and respect for who you are, and very high hopes for who you might become. It occurred to me in today’s meditation, that you, my tulpa, have been with me through out my life. Your existence in my soul, in my brain, predates my birth even. You began with me at the time of my conception. That is when your Dakini Spirit entered my beingness. Ever since, you have been held within the cells of my body, brain, blood, bones all of it. And you have grown in experience and wisdom and knowledge, right along with me, every step of the way. You, Flora, were with me when I looked directly upon the  Godhead, on the side of that mountain that day forty-nine years ago, when the sky ripped open and the face of God was revealed as a massive ball of light that filled the entire sky. You saw that with me! When the purple light hit us a moment later and I knew that I knew. You knew it too. We together experienced “The Peace that Passes All Understanding”. Together, you and I. When that being from another dimension, revealed itself to Julie and me, you were there too. You saw and felt the creature. When I was transported into the body of a seabird, high above the clouds over the Pacific Ocean, you were with me. When I stood on the very top of a 14,000 ft high mountain-top, you stood with me. On the deep blue ocean, watching a squall race for the boat, you held on to the wheel with me and you reveled in the sun setting over a safe harbor. All of those moments, and so many many more, that have shaped and informed my life, have done the same for you. You are now in the process of being born into a separate self, born of all of my life experiences, the ecstatic and the agonizing. You are coming aboard with all of that wisdom. Be welcome Flora, together we will create a flow of completely integrated human energy. An energy with which I can  re-awaken the lifeforce in Nancy and we can face our endings, with grace and courage. Be welcome.

Tulpamancy Journal. 26

March 21, 2019

03.21.19 yesterday, flat, all day. Discussed my recent experience with my Men’s Group. The two other old acid heads understood, no one else had the slightest idea what I was talking about. They did listen and asked appropriate questions, but, with that flatness, that suggested to me that they were pro-forma. I got home exhausted and after a short stint of helping my radiologist friend with a painting problem, dropped into bed and fell into a deep sleep. I did not dream. Awoke an hour later, still groggy and deciding that I would not go to the Purim Party at the temple. I made a strong cup of coffee. I very rarely do this in the afternoon. Nancy came in just then, as the coffee was hitting and she looked terrible, more than exhausted. She cried in my arms, “I am feeling so vulnerable!” (she has some health issues, not at all serious, though very painful, at this time, might become so in the future, if she doesn’t take care of herself which she does impeccably well. I offered to skip the party. Later she said she wanted to go. “We never get out!”, I told her I would support any decision she made, and she said get dressed and then I’ll tell you. After I dress for the party, then you’ll tell me if we are going?” was my comment. “yes.” She saw nothing  incongruent in this. I dressed. We went. She complained the entire time about the food, what I was eating, then got up and left me at the table. At one point I was concerned and left, went looking for her and knocking on the ladies’ room door, found out she had gone out with a friend.  I went back to the table, and had a fine time, drinking very good whiskey, and even, for the very first time in my life, winning a raffle (prize was a book: We Jews are The People of the Book, after all). We got home, her mood after her talk with a friend was good, though she had soured considerably by the time we went to bed. I got in bed late. Slept poorly until after three am. Got up to pee, went I got back in bed, I reminded myself to awaken (become lucid) should I see Flora in my dream and choose to talk to her. I dreamt one of those full color, you are there kind of dreams. I am on a tropical island, with a family, the only person I know in this family is my stepson Josh. He is in a hammock and nude. Others are in various states of dress, sarongs, and grass skirts, loin cloths, barefoot, palm frond headdresses. Predominant colors are tan, green, yellow, orange, very tropical all. At one point we are all at a table and someone says, let’s make love. I agree. An older man at the table, not dressed like the others, with very dark hair, dark swarthy not black, complexion, dressed in a dark blue coverall, looks at me, and says, “you don’t belong here!” I leave the room. And go back outside. Josh is in the hammock. There is a young woman, sitting next to him. I told him about the plan for all to make love and suggest that he and the young woman go in with the rest. He does, but the young woman comes over to me and sits in my lap. At this point, I remember my injunction to become lucid, and I look at her and ask if she is Flora. She doesn’t answer but begins to very passionately kiss and embrace me. Her sarong slips and she has the breasts which I have described for her. She has sandy orange/tan short hair. Next scene, she is on a massage table, nude, lying rigidly straight, supine. I touch her, she does not respond. I notice her pubic hair. Very straight, very dark brown, tight, not pleasant to touch. I awaken from my sleep, incredibly groggy, my cat Luna, jumps on my head, licking my hair. I force myself up, sing out a cheerful “good morning” to Nancy, and carry Luna into the breakfast room, feed her, get my computer and begin this narration. It has occurred to me, that the woman in the dream, while perhaps starting out as Flora, turned into my first wife who was on that massage table, in both looks and behavior.

I have gone into length with this report, as it is the first dream I have had since the acid trip that has been tulpish, and I am very grateful. It is the first lucid dream as well, and I am more than just grateful, I am thrilled. There were the obvious negatives: Being told that I do not belong there, the first, by an obvious outsider, a shadow figure. And the second, that Flora is more or less engaged with my stepson, and lastly that she becomes my first wife, all suggest that the blockage is from my own psyche. That I have not yet, put enough light on the “Red Witch” nor on the “Darklord, Lucifer” That my first wife, the mother of my living children, was resurrected, is on interest in itself. First, I have reconciled with her. We have both acknowledged that we were “Just a couple of kids” (her language) and forgiven each other. This happened a few years ago, when I really began to see how both frightened and judgmental, I had been during our marriage. (and in my second marriage) (and for much of the early years of this one, though I have actively worked on undoing those automatic reactions and have become much better at it. Nancy has her own issues, and my work in the marriage is to not inflame them,  choosing kindness and support as alternative behaviors). Sexually, I am very aware, that post prostatectomy, I am a very different creature. And of course, Nancy at twenty-five years post-menopausal, is too. That notwithstanding, I was a hippy in a very sexually liberated community, “free-love” threesomes, foursomes, group sex, and a local chapter of the “Sexual Freedom League” were all a part of it. and I, and many others, felt sexually free and liberated from the primal shame that had driven us until the “sexual revolution”. Of interest, all of that negativity came back (onto me) after I left that community. I believe that both the Red Witch and the Darklord, are remnants of these feelings. I also accept that I have possibly missed the obvious here, and I will wait for further revelations. If anyone has thought that tulpamancy, as a class of magicianship, did not involve deep work on the self, that all of this would happen “magically” well…

Tulpamancy Journal. 25

March 20, 2019

Little to report in the way of direct tulpamancy. Posting dream below. Indirectly; I am progressing on Safe Haven stories in a very satisfactory way.

03.19.19 Dreamt of a young looking tall blonde cheerleading type. She was flirting with me. I was uncomfortable with this, she came up to me and embraced me vigorously, I was very uncomfortable. She was seven feet tall and my head came up to her belly. Her Height shocked me awake. That was the dream. I was glad that I had the dream after nights of not dreaming anything or anything rememberable. I was not sure if this was a tulpish dream or left over from a fiction piece in the New Yorker Magazine which I read just before bed, about a young man who may or may not have been flirted with by a woman who was way above him in class. I will see where my meditations take me today.

Tulpamancy Journal. 24

March 20, 2019

Monday, March 18, 2019

1:58 PM

What ever dreaming I might have done last night had to have been so unimpressive that I did not remember it when awaking from it at 2 am. My sitting meditation was equally non-productive in terms of tulpamancing. Otherwise, Nancy is warmer and more affectionate that she has been in years. Our talk the other night seems to have altered a dynamic that was below our conscious awareness.

I may have had a slightly better effect with my evening meditation, feeling that if she was not present, she at least was not one hundred percent absent. I am still vocalizing and visualizing my forcing’s.

Tulpamancy Journal. 23

March 17, 2019

Sunday, March 17, 2019

4:32 PM

Vocalizing and visualizing today with no discernable results.

03.17.19  I did not dream anything last night coherent enough for me to remember upon awakening. I did awaken with a stuffy head and headache. My meditations were also unproductive in a tulpish sense. Though I did have some very restful quiet time.

Nancy wanted to talk to me yesterday about her observations and conclusions of my tulpamancing efforts. She has finally read this blog, and noticed that my connection with Flora was, in her words, “profoundly intimate” and “dominated my consciousness”. Facts, in her view, which explained my reluctance to want to ‘do anything’ with her.

” objected both to her ‘conclusion’ that 1. my tulpa “dominated my consciousness”. And 2. that explained my reluctance to do anything with her. I did not disagree that my connection with Flora was profoundly intimate. I pointed out to her that ‘domination of consciousness’ would be a very big thing, and if were so, Flora would no doubt have been called into my everyday reality and would be living with us, and that in ref to her #2. I had aged considerably in terms of my physical energy and vitality following my four major surgeries, and had not felt much like going  out ,or doing, much with her since last summer, long before I started this project. I don’t know how much of this she accepted, but I did let her know of both my motivations for undertaking the project and what the effects have been to date on our marriage (positive). She has lightened up since our discussion.