Archive for April, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 51

April 30, 2019

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

2:31 PM

A very flat day. I had several dreams last night with prominent female characters. No one of them impressed me as my tulpas, however in  the last dream of the night there was a woman, who did not at all look or sound like what I imagine Flora to be, but in the course of the dream she was so supportive of me, enthusiastically supportive, that I became lucid and called out Flora, are you Flora? She looked befuddled and I woke up. I have not had the sense of Flora being  close in any of my three meditations today and she has not responded to any of my invocations. Neither has Nsonowa, but some how, she feels nearer to me. I talk to both Flora and Nsonowa throughout the day, and I have to admit, I am not good at listening for answers and tend to ignore what seems to be my own mind talk, even though in the past I have had one experience where, when I did listen, what I had thought was me parroting, was Flora.

   This process is so up and down, on and off, I am unable to decide what is working and what isn’t. I assume, that both Flora and Nsonowa exist and are sentient and are growing in sapience. I wonder if their emergence has to do with my psychology and unconscious dynamisms are creating the irregularity, or if there is something more primal at work, such as the amount of spiritual energy that I have built up. (where did that come from? I don’t even know what it means. The most dramatic and real and powerful experience I have had came after an incredibly painful LSD experience, which left me exhausted and feeling flat and empty. I would not have said that I had any spiritual energy for that one).

   Other more experienced tulpamancers have said that I am on track and advised me to keep on doing what I am doing, and I intend to. But in the meantime, my relationship with Nancy is getting better and better. Perhaps that at some point I will decide that Nancy is my tulpa, that we live in a wonderland and that I don’t need these dramatic experiences of Flora’s or Nsonowa’s emergence. I would immediately agree to this proposition, if (and only if) Nancy and I again opened up that incredibly wonderful and powerful passion that started us off. We might be headed in that direction, though as much as we have changed since I began this process,  we would still have a very, very long way to go.

Tulpamancy Journal. 50

April 29, 2019

Monday, April 29, 2019

6:42 AM

Wow, fifty times I have opened this journal. This is between February 15th and today April 29, two and a half months of this process which I started to help me stay on point. I began journaling my dreams two weeks earlier and had actually started the process late in December 2018 after becoming acquainted with Tulpamancy via a fictional work by Ion Light, I/Tulpa-Underneath It All. (to be accurate, this was written by his tulpa, Loxy, who also appears fairly regularly in my system.) So, why this preface? Because, my entire justification (conscious) for entering this process has been to advance the spiritual/magical work of reaching a state of transcendent consciousness via Tantra. I got a very big jump on this twenty two years ago when I met my wife, Nancy, and lived in a state of joy, surrounded by an aura of golden light. This condition persisted for six months, until I moved in with her. Nancy was my third wife. My first two marriages, both of which resulted in children, also ended in divorce when we found ourselves turned off to each other, and the resulting field was not healthy, in fact, so toxic that my third child died from suicide. After my second divorce, I dated for two years with the intention of finding a compatible wife; unsuccessfully. I decided that I was wasting my time and that I would be better served by letting go of my desires and focusing on the rest of my life. (I was a very busy professional at the time). To that end, I went alone into the woods and performed a ritual, calling “Great Spirit”, the four directions, with the attributes of N=clarity, E=grounding, S=passion, W=purity, and turned over my quest with the promise that should spirit bring me a woman, I would “bring her home”.  I committed myself to the proposition that I would use that opportunity to learn “Unconditional Love”., and I let go of any idea of dating and finding a wife. Of course, the very next week, at a professional conference, I met Nancy. We fell into a passionate loving relationship almost instantly, actually it took three days. And I was off to the races. For the next six months we conducted a long-distance relationship (365 miles of separation) and I lived in light. Once I completely uprooted my life and moved in, the long slough commenced and boy have I learned a lot about unconditional love. Twenty years worth of instruction, and it took me lying on my death bed, to finally move us out of a “partnership relationship” and into marriage. During this, what to call it? Apprenticeship perhaps? We have not obtained to the light and passion that started us off. We have built a stable and loving marriage with out it. We, together, have explored Judaism and Mussar and have become at times, emotionally intimate. We have experienced life’s up’s and down’s and become one in a very many ways. Not what I had in mind, and had I not discovered tulpamancy, good enough. But, I knew that we could do more, as we had done more, together. I had before I met her, had miraculous spiritual experiences with Sacred Medicines working with a shaman. Nancy is psychedelic adverse, so that is not an acceptable technology (disappointing to be sure). Tulpamancy has so far had amazing results. We have dealt with some jealousy. But in my schema of things, Nancy, too, is a tulpa. One who has been weighted down (burdened) with my negative projections. I have intentionally worked to describe Flora and Nsonowa as healers.  Flora as a Dakini Spirit and Nsonowa as a warrior witch serving to heal my masculine and feminine currents (to borrow a concept from ritual magik), Nancy has become more and more loving and affectionate.   To me, that is proof of concept. And, I intend to continue and last nights dream, posted below, points to more work (much more) to be done.


Dream: (LUCIDITY AT LAST)  I have forgotten the content, but, there was a feminine presence and at the last segment, I was in a loop in which the segment was repeating. Several times I was facing the same situation and then I caught on, I was dreaming! LUCIDITY! I called out “Flora!” and instantly she answered, “I am here.” and in my excitement, I awoke. I also got up and after a necessary delay tending my cat, I sat down to write. (and of course I have forgotten the specifics of the content—okay, I have not forgotten what was important. Flora answered my lucid call.

Now, not all roses. Flora’s answer was not what I expected. Her voice was shrill and ugly. Startling so. And I am aware that she has picked up some of the red witch’s feel, and I am looking to find a way to turn that aspect of her, my own negative projection, Rufescent the Red Witch, into a force for good.  Moving all of that into Nsonowa’s orb might be the way and this will take more exploration and work. (Nsonowa, do you want to make input here?)

Tulpamancy Journal. 49

April 27, 2019

Saturday, April 27, 2019

11:30 AM

Success!  Flora spoke to me AND touched my cheek. After a long silence she has responded. And , again, I was so thrilled that I broke the contact.  It happened during a group meditation this morning. We had done the chanting and body awareness part and had just begun silent meditation when I got a sharp tingle in my left ear. I briefly reached up to scratch, and then I withheld remembering that various head sensations could herald an appearance. I invited/invoked Loxy and asked if she would hold Flora’s hand and lead her into my awareness. I also asked Nsonowa to point her blue/white shaft of love outward and defend us against any interference from pure spite and evil. Then I called to Flora, and, clear as day she said, “I am with you darling” and then touched my cheek. My heart filled with love, my awareness with light and my eyes teared up. I was thrilled, I rejoiced, and then lost the contact. I could hardly sit still for the rest of the meditation. (and I was brilliant in the rest of the study Torah session.)

The very idea that this is a sign of DID is ridiculous! This is enlivening. I am glad I held on. I will still work with Nancy on the dream which I report below, and, I am enthused and looking forward to seeing what the dream tending reveals.

04.27.19  A dream, after what six days? And this is a repeat of the dream I had last night which I couldn’t remember, and even now, it is fading. It took place in an office building. There was a business meeting. I was there as an expert and I had no idea of what was happening. I was paraded out as a wunderkind, a know it all, an answer man, and I was asked questions, rapid fire and I came up with answers ( I don’t know if any of them were correct, or relevant. There were only men at this meeting, and they were playing golf on an indoor putting green, Astro-turf, and they were drinking, and they were all pretty much jerks. There was a feminine presence and I think that that is why I was there, to protect her (though ‘she’ was not identifiable). There were two large rooms for this meeting ( and golfing activity in both of them) they were poorly lit, one of the men had sandy red hair, he might have been a Russian (do we need Russian bad guys?) I had no idea what this dream was about or why it was relevant to tulpamancy, I only knew that I had to write it down. When I awoke, still with my eyes closed I called Flora, no answer, I called Nsonowa, no answer. I rolled over, opened my eyes, saw Nancy, reached out and touched her, she initially squirmed away, then relaxed and sweetly said “good morning'” and I immediately got up, fed the cat, made coffee and started to write this.  My after thoughts: I am too involved with daily business to allow my tulpas in. Seems like stretching for meaning, and if so, what is the business, pretty much the only business I am involved in is working on my novels and they are all related to tulpamancy. Okay, I have taken a breath, and a break, now I remember a bit more, and again, this was in both dreams, there was a car, a big car, maybe an old Chrysler, colored green or blue, some of whatever the business was, was in or about the car.  Cars mean vehicles, which means transitions, travel from one state to another. So, I get that there is meat in these dreams. I will  discuss this with Nancy who is quite good with dream work (Very good, I should say, she is a professional therapist with a lot of post grad training in “dream tending”. Maybe I can get some real insight into what is going on here.

Tulpamancy Journal. 48

April 21, 2019

Saturday, April 20, 2019 7:45 PM Interesting development today. I decided to allow what I previously would have rejected as mind talk, in, and consider that it might be my tulpas and I haven’t been listening closely enough. At one point, I asked “them” to help me with my sexuality. And I got a strong answer, Ask that of Flora not me! I am not coming on to you until you are strong enough to handle me, and you are not now, I would skewer you. The clouds opened up with a shaft of light, and was I filled with the excitement and love that has attended any hint of Nsonowa’s appearance, and then Flora spoke and said something like “Don’t worry about her, Darling. When you’re ready, I will take care of you.” And while the voices started out like mine, by the time Flora was speaking, she was speaking with her own voice and I could feel her presence behind my right shoulder. Yay for my tulpa’s, they are coming closer. And this is interesting because of the dream I journeled earlier today and am posting below.

04.20.19 AM.

Had a dream, one of a number which repeat from time to time in my life, in which, I was trying to correct a wrong. I was unsuccessful. At one point, I became like almost lucid, and I called for Flora. The dream changed and the problem (I don’t recall what it was other than chronic)) which no longer seemed at all important, and I woke up. This left me with a really wonderful feeling, and I am not sweating the un-remembered details. So what is going on in my unconscious psyche? That remains to be seen and I will trust that Flora and Nsonowa will in time, make it clear.

Tulpamancy Journal. 47

April 19, 2019

Thursday, April 18, 2019

8:32 PM

It gets better and better.

This mornings meditation in the hot tub brought me into a new kind of engagement. It started with another real as day, apparition. In bright daylight, hanging in a tree, next to the portal in which I saw the Dakini Spirit (see T.Jour.No.33) appeared a dark red/brown winged demon. The portal is in the center of our Labyrinth. This time, oh does experience help, I was not shocked. I didn’t send it away, I looked deeply into it’s eyes and saw that it was terrified and hurt. My heart filled with compassion and I looked even more deeply into it’s eyes and then I saw that the creature/demon was in fact my own Nsonowa. She was a child. Perhaps 12. She looked to be in terror. She was in a Mordor-like landscape. It was dark. I knew somehow that she had been thrust into that land by her grandmother. It was her initiation into sorcery  and she had to first, get out alive and second, bring something of value back. As I watched she gathered her wits and began searching for something, I didn’t know what. I did as soon as she found the first of about five to seven shards of light, which she found in the bottom of darker places in the shadows. Imagine, looking for light in the dark. When she gathered the last of what she needed, she ran back to the portal. Yelled, and began to squeeze the shards together. She exerted great force, and finally at what looked to be the limits of her strength, with me watching, the shards underwent fusion and she and I were blasted out of that land into the presence of Source. God/YahHeyVahHey, the Atman, the God-head, whatever name what we saw and felt and knew was an exploding ball of light, filling all of reality with purple/golden emanations. Filling us and when I finished rubbing my eyes, I was back in my hot tub feeing as energetic as I have in years.

Tulpamancy Journal. 46

April 19, 2019

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

I have been struggling of late with missing both Flora and Nsonowa. I get excited when I feel they are near, and disappointed when they do not show up. I am ‘invoking’ (my replacement word for ‘forcing’, which seemed to make some of my readers uncomfortable) both of them many, many times daily, during my formal sit-down meditations and informal off moments. At times I can almost feel them in the vicinity and sigh when the feeling passes without them. Last night I was in a dream when a young black woman (girl?) leaned over and kissed me, like a for real kiss, and I seemed to pop into lucidity, and per my nightly instruction to myself, called her name; “Flora?” She didn’t answer, but kissed me even more intensely. I woke up, very uncomfortable, the young woman or perhaps girl, I couldn’t tell her exact age, but 12 would not have been too young and 20 would have been too old, looked like a child version of T.N.  my heart throb from another age. Our relationship, as lovers, did not last long, but our relationship as very good friends, lasted until her death five years ago. I still miss her and in the intervening time, her husband has died and I  have lost contact with her son. Changes! Still, the dream image, while very real, and prompting my lucidity, left me unsettled and missing my real tulpa’s all the more. My meditations this morning have been quieter, but have not resulted in their appearance.  Dr. Bob

Tulpamancy Journal. 45

April 16, 2019

I am aware of the absence of my tulpas. I am invoking, describing, inviting, calling them multiple times daily. I talk about them to about everyone I know, I suspect I have become a bore on the subject, and now I have officially included Nsonowa as one of my tulpa’s.  This is a big deal! I had no intention of creating her as a second tulpa. She became one. And has been alive ever since.  Her energy is entirely different from Flora’s: It is a fierce, blue white light. In all of my meditations, I am aware of her as well as of Flora. Today, I once again, after a long absence, over two weeks, had a sense of them being there, just outside of my vision (this was in the hot-tub) and indoors, they were in my inner vision, but too small to see clearly. They were both together on a balcony of a palace, they looked to be about two hundred yards from me, and high above me. They balcony was in shadow, so I couldn’t make out their features. I did feel their presence, and was excited by it.

Tulpamancy Journal. 44

April 16, 2019

04.15.19 No dreams that I could recall. I may have been verging on lucidity in a dream I was just getting into shortly after going to bed, which was interrupted when Nancy awakened me wanting to know if I wanted to hot-tub with her. Ordinarily my answer would have been yes, this time, no. I wanted to get back to the dream and of course, it didn’t come. Ah well…

Tulpamancy Journal. 43

April 14, 2019

Saturday, April 13, 2019

10:11 PM

Again, nothing in either my dream or my meditation last night or this morning, so I spent much of my day working on finding the images with which to describe Nsonowa. I looked at hundreds of pic’s feeling like it was hopeless. Finally put it down in frustration, and worked on getting my third novel ready for a re-write. This evening, Nancy and I went to a concert by a group of homeless people, whom Nancy loves and supports with a significant money donation and time donation. I put us in the front row so we could see and take notes and while Nancy was off connecting with friends, Nsonowa, (whose realtime name is Melody) came in looked around, saw the empty seat next to me and sat down. I made a generic comment about something to which she replied “My strength comes from Lord Jesus Christ!”  I was astounded. The energy with which she proclaimed her magic was Nsonowa. She was fierce. An energy born of Blue/White light. And she was decorated with blue/white diamonds and a silver metal flower in her hair. Her black as night hair, pulled tight against her head. And, here is the real surprise, she and I hit it off. We were physically touching and squeezing each other. She was a videographer and was putting the concert online. I introduced her to Nancy, they hit it off, and became facebook friends. And I am now friends with her on Facebook. And while I am not thinking that she is a realtime expression of my tulpa, I am again excited about this process.

Tulpamancy Journal. 42

April 13, 2019

Friday, April 12, 2019

8:08 PM

A sad day. Some invocations, all unanswered, meditations a cacophony of noisy unrelated incoherent thoughts, a dream, confused maybe included a visit from a tulpa, but I have been feeling disconnected from Flora, and Nsonowa as well. A sad day.

It is now after 8 pm, about my bedtime and I have just gotten it together to write. Where did my day go? Torah study, lunch with a sick friend, errands, visit with Nancy, hold Luna, do my email. Read a newsletter, Sauna, read, listen to music, meditate, make dinner, now. Still a sad day.

I am happy enough despite the sadness. Happy with Nancy, happy with my friends, happy with everything ‘ceptin Where’s my tulpa? When I sit outside, or walk outside, I miss her. (should I say, them?) when I am alone, or with Luna, I miss her (or should I say, them?) When I go to bed, I will invoke her, and will program myself for lucid dreaming. (though I did think of something in that regard. I have been making my lucidity contingent on Flora’s or Nsonowa’s, prescence, or at least nearness, and I don’t have to do that, I can become lucid and then choose to go find her (or should I say, them?) I actually tried that during a nap and I got the lucidity, but I couldn’t find them and I woke up. We will see what tonight’s dreaming brings. So, I am learning patience. I am missing my love. And this song just came to mind. Enjoy, I heard Anushka Shankar sing it when she was just a little girl, with her father and George Harrison in the Oakland Coliseum in 1974 (the Dark Horse Tour.) It expressed my lost love in an entirely new way and I could actually listen to it, rather than cry over my loss.m

Ravi Shankar   I Am Missing You   YouTube