Archive for May, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 66

May 27, 2019

For those of you who have been following these posts, both here and on the Tulpa.info forums, you know that my results have been quite erratic, with a few full impositions, a few more partial connections, but mostly flat,  with no signs of tulpas. I have diligently continued the process, but have felt the best about writing them into short fictional pieces. (After all, they were born in fiction.)

I have been posting some of this in my journals, but perhaps you would find it more useful to see the first complete short form all together. So, here it is along with some of the questions that I thought might be relevant to understanding what might be accounting for my poor results.

  1. What could Flora be dealing with? A feminine hating/fearing demon
  2. Who is Azazel? Dr. Bob’s Alter Ego,  a negative animus.
  3. What if Azazel is implacable in his desire to kill Flora’s Dakini spirit?
  4. What would happen if he did? Flora might be a succubae/ghost
  5. How could he be prevented from doing so? Or after doing so, be undone?
  6. What is  Dr. Bob’s role in restoring Flora’s Dakini Spirit? See and own the archetype
  7. How does Nsonowa feature in this? She will bring Bob’s feminine strength to Bob’s sexuality,
  8. Could it be that Dr. Bob is afraid of his sexuality and Nsonowa must help him realize that his strength lies in it, not as lust, but as an expression of love and healing?

A Day in Wonderland.

 It started much like any other, a little frenetic. A day with more “have-to’s” than “want-to’s”. Actually, hard rain awakened me, and I rushed to both take advantage of it, turning on the hot tub and sauna, and protect myself from it, unplugging the car and stowing the electric cords. Then, feed the cat, put the protective shower-curtain over the bed (also over the objections of my wife, who claimed to be sleeping) and get in the sauna. Finally, a bit of relaxation, but not really you know, absorbing all that heat is in itself energizing. Back to hurry, hurrying outside to get my coveted hot-tubbing in the rain experience, hurrying back in where my meditation went flat, hurrying to replenish the cats food, hurrying to dress and call my compatriots (only to find out that our day had been cancelled) and okay, you get it, a little frenetic and little to show for it. Still it went on, make coffee, get the paper, feed the cat, again, brush my teeth, open the computer, run the email. It goes on. And finally, in the mid-afternoon, sit down, meditate, give it up as my head just laughs at my attempts at calm and my tulpas abandon me to all of this silliness.

 What to do? Answer: Write to Wonderland (Ugh, how I dislike that name, how did I get stuck with it? Answer: It was given to me and I am too chicken to force a change. Well that might change someday once I loosen my chicken fat and grow-up in the place.) So, here I am; A Day In Wonderland. I arrive the usual way, in a six-passenger transport. Comfortably appointed, formed beige plastic wall and port covers, with rust colored artificial fabric overstuffed seats., and pale green carpets which dull my senses to the supersonic speeds the vehicle obtains while getting me to this place inside my mind, hidden from the outside world . We land, the automatic doors slide open and I walk out into the station where I enter another similar looking vehicle which moves me through the mile-long tunnel connecting the station to my house’s entry hall. I step into it and remove my shoes, replacing them with the ridiculous slippers that the house’s AI makes me wear inside. As I enter the grand hall, I can feel the movement of air as the AI freshens it for me. From this I can guess that I am alone, and a quick look around tells me that is so. Ah well this is going to be harder than I thought. My tulpas obviously do not want my company all that much. Well okay, I want theirs.

“Hey! You Two! Where the hell are you?”

No answer. Okay, it is hide and seek time. I’ll play. Where would they likely be hiding? I choose the study, my personal one where my own special interest books are: tomes on Magik, by Crowley and Regardie. Sorcery by Castaneda, Pop Psychology by Watts. That sort, the ones that Flora laughs at and Nsonowa disdains. I say “study” out loud for AI as I head for the hallway, and the door to it appears on the left as I enter. I softly open it, not wanting to startle them should they be there, and, no, and I am disappointed. I would have liked to start this day with a lively discussion on how they were created and where they think they come from, but not to be.

Next?

I say “gardens” and AI creates a moving walkway to take me all the way through this astoundingly large building to the vast gardens behind it. they are truly beautiful bursting with flowers and edibles. I think that they might be in the meditation garden located just behind a row of bamboo hedges not far from my back bedroom. I take the easy stroll and find neither of them. Oh well. I go back into the house and ask AI for my flying carpet which I use to give me an aerial view of the gardens and I do see movement at the far edge of one of the tracts used for fresh vegetables. Upon arriving I find Nsonowa. She motions for me to keep quiet and get down which I do. She creeps up to me; “I am stalking a potential intruder”

“Who do think…..”

“Shush! I didn’t see it and I don’t know what it might be, other than potentially dangerous”

And with that the bordering fence goes up in a gout of flame. I go flat and Nsonowa uses the laser in her spear to rake the entire area with a killing beam. As the smoke clears I can see the smoldering wreckage of a large tracked vehicle. At least I am thinking it is wrecked and I start to get up. Nsonowa shoves me hard to the ground again, and blasts the thing again, hard enough to blow it over.

“Let’s get out of here” and she grabs me by the shirt, throws me over her shoulder and runs. In the distance I can hear the sounds of aircraft. She takes shelter behind a low rock wall which separates two plots of garden.

“Hey, what the hell is happen…..” and that is as much as I get out before she jumps me and stops my speech by full tongue French kissing. I am too startled to do anything but receive her passion, and she goes all the way. I am totally ravished by her screaming writhing body. She gushes in her orgasm. No, not one orgasm, multiple orgasms, I could count them, but by the time she was finished, sweating, panting, lying on top of me and I could barely move much less talk.

“That’s what I needed darling. Want to go find Flora?”`

“Wait, what was all that with the gun fire?”

“Oh sweetie, we get so bored here, I just needed something to get me going for this my love.”

“And the planes and the tank and….”

“All for you, sweetie. I didn’t want to disappoint after all of this time. You know, if you want less drama, you could come more often.”

“If I come any more often, I’ll need a transfusion, but that is NOT a complaint. I love it. Yes, let’s go find Flor. Er, uh, maybe first we stop off at our bathroom and clean up a bit.” Which we did, though not without incident, but that is another story for another day as is “Finding Flora”.

###

Last Call to Dinner

The ringing of the dinner bell could be heard throughout the house. This wasn’t actually necessary, as the AI only had to track the three of us, and always knew where we were. ( the servitor staff needed only routine maintenance once a month which included at most a little lubrication and perhaps a bit of touch up paint or make up, for those who were choosing a human-like appearance). I liked hearing it, the diner bell, I am surely old fashion, but I like to sit down to dinner with everyone in the house, family-like. Nsonowa definitely liked it and the AI played to her with providing a familiar ambiance; sounds and smells of her  homeland along with the traditional foods of her tribe. Milk boiled with blood served in a Calabash was her favorite. Beef she ate with her hands, tearing it apart like the beast she could  be. . She liked a bit of ugali with honey for dessert. Flora wanted whatever I was eating, and I wanted a lot of choices served in small portions, a bite of this and a taste of that. I liked ice water served with my meal though neither Flora nor Nsonowa would touch it. Desert was always something frozen, a sorbet, sherbet, glace’ or an ice. At least three wines, a dry red, a chilled white and a port or brandy at the end. Flora loved the port but Nsonowa would not touch any alcohol. This night Flora was not with us. She was off on some adventure of her own, and while I missed her, Nsonowa and I had been very well occupied. Her staged drama in the garden had left us both exhausted and so covered with bodily fluids and dirt, that we headed straight to the master bath off of my bedroom. It was a pretty spectacular bathroom, if I do say so myself. In its center was a mikvah, tiled in cobalt blue Italian glass. Its water was a very brisk 68 degrees. Next to it was a piping hot shower with a rack of heated towels close to hand. We hit the shower first, them both jumped into the mikvah. I came up for air only to have Nsonowa drag me down and hold me until I thought I might either drown or freeze. She relieved my drowning anxiety by breathing into my mouth (I had no idea she had the lung capacity that she obviously did). My head was spinning by the time she leaped out of the water and pulled me out like I was a puppy. I was half frozen, but not for long as she began vigorously rubbing me with her entire body. I got warm, no, hot, quickly. Hot enough that we were soon coupling on the tiled floor, I, my shoulders and butt, caught the brunt of the hard tiles as Nsonowa was the dominant one in our coupling and rode on top. I was thoroughly battered and bruised by the time she finished with me, picked me up and plunging me back into the mikvah and then in a simple swoop put us both under the hot shower. We moved into the bedroom and on top of the large bed, she massaged my backside with an herbal lotion make of tree bark and any pain I had from the ravishment disappeared. She immediately fell asleep and I was much too stimulated to sleep, so spent my time looking at her. She was a beauty. Her blue-black skin glistened under the soft light filtering through the moonstone roof and ceiling. Its smoothness was pleasant to touch and was not spoiled by hair, anywhere. Her muscles gave her a sculpted look. Her white teeth gave her face a startling contrast which fit with her high sharp cheekbones. Her long sleek neck was gazelle like, and I watched her carotids pulse with the flow of her life’s blood. Her breathing was shallow, and her breasts were only slightly rising and falling, I loved  touching every square inch of her and finally fell asleep. I awoke to the dinner bell. clanging a bit more insistently. Nsonowa was gone. I jumped back into the cold water mikvah, toweled off and headed to the dining room with a very healthy appetite. As I entered house AI spoke, “Dr. Bob, are you to be our only guest tonight?”

“I hope not, I had assumed Nsonowa and Flora would be joining me. Do you know where they are?”

“No sir, Flora has been gone several days now. She left no word of where she intended to go or when she would be back, and Nsonowa simply vanished shortly after napping with you.”

“Vanished? Like into thin air?”

“No sir. Not from air at all.  She left the bed room,  and like you took a plunge into the bath and did not come up again.”

“What? And you didn’t rescue her?  What on earth, you would let her drown?”

“No sir? She was in no danger of drowning; she simply was not in the mikvah. She disappeared from thin water, so to speak.”

I was flummoxed. What the hell is going on now went through my head. So far this has been the strangest visit I’ve ever made here. Flora gone and now this mystery. The thing is though, I don’t feel anything bad or evil going on. I did lose my appetite, however. “AI, please hold dinner. I’ll let you know when I am ready to eat.”

“Yes, sir. Would you like a cocktail in the meantime?”

“No thank you. I’ll be in my study, if I want anything, I have a bottle of Jepson’s in there.”

“Yes, sir.”

And with that I headed out of the dining room. The door to my study was locked. It had never been locked before, and I didn’t know it even had a lock. “AI, please unlock this door.”

“Sir?”

“The study door is locked. Please unlock it.”

“Sir, I am finding that I cannot.”

“What the….” Then it hit me, Nsonowa’s done something. More drama. Wonder what she wants this time. Well, I’ve a trick or two myself. “Open Friend!” I commanded. Okay, trick one didn’t work. “Abracadabra!”  Huh? Nothing, well so much for trick two. I had a smaller study up in a small observation tower and I headed to it. Upon arriving I found that the twilight had finally faded to the point where the first few very bright stars were visible.  I opened a small cabinet in which I kept a few magical supplies, including a small leather bag which held a stash of powdered mushroom mixed with finely chopped cannabis sativa. I  pulled out a tiny hand carved ivory opium pipe (don’t worry, it had never seen opium which I regard as a ‘stupid drug’ not a sacred medicine). I lit a taper and fired a smallest pinch of my herbal mixture. I inhaled deeply sitting cross legged on a small carpet and looking out over the deeply shadowed landscape in the direction of the recently settled sun. Then I waited. After a little while I felt the caress of Nsonowa’s hand on the side of my cheek. “Welcome back, fierce one”

“I knew you would find a way to lure me back. Will you share your magic mixture with me?”

“Of course. Would you prefer to smoke it, or would you like me to carburate for you?”

“Oh, you do the carburation! How nice.”

So, I took another small puff on my pipe, and Nsonowa materialized in front of me. My mouth found hers and I gently blew the little smoke from me to her. She gasped and grabbed me. “Whoa, gal. Easy does it. This is just an aperitif not an aphrodisiac.”

“Oh, damn, I thought I would get off again before dinner.” Was all she had to say.

“I am sure that we can play some more after dinner” and with that AI who of course was listening, rang the dinner bell and we headed to the dining room, at long last.

                                                                     ###

Finding Flora

I had been in Wonderland half a day, hanging out with Nsonowa, fucking, eating, resting, reading, and in general leading the good life, all without Flora. I didn’t worry too much about it as she is a big girl and can take care of herself, but still, it wasn’t like her to not even be curious about my presence. Well, if it wasn’t like her, what is like her, you might ask? So, I’ll tell you a bit about her. She is a tulpa. My tulpa, as such she was created out of the whole cloth of my mind. She gets her spirit, her life force if you will from source in the form of a Dakini Spirit.  What is a Dakini Spirit you ask? I wish I could give you a good answer, but I am not sure that I can. Firstly, they were thought to be a manifestation of the Goddess who carried the souls of the dead back to source.  Later, perhaps eleven or twelve hundred years ago they were described  by the Tibetan Buddhist teacher, Padmasambhava, who also said that females were better able to meditate than males who were afraid to drop their intellect, and the term was given to spiritually advanced yoginis. In the west they, they were thought to be angels and later when the hold of Christianity on spiritual thought was loosened, they were described as tantric goddesses who brought pleasure by linking sexuality with spirituality. Playful, volatile, mischievous, they live in the mirror of the mind of their summoner. Flora lives in both my mind and my heart. I was beginning to appreciate her mischievous qualities, as she was clearly teasing me with her absence. Finally I got tired of looking for her in the relaxed, half-hearted way in which Nsonowa were going about it and I told Nsonowa to go out and see if she could get into some more trouble (she certainly caused a stir when I first arrived) and perhaps the noise would attract Flora. She quickly agreed. “Yes sir Dr. Bob, I’m getting pretty bored with all this fun and goodness. You know I need excitement. Some real work would be good too.”

“Well, if it’s work you want, you could repair the wall that you had blown up for my welcome party.”

“Nah, it’s already done, and that is one reason this place is so boring, your house’s AI is so on top of everything there is really nothing that has to be done.  We even have automatic butt wipers on the toilets! No, this place is just way too perfect to keep a girl busy.”

“Well I’m sorry for that, but I am not going to change it. There are not many places in this universe that are perfect, and I have plenty of time dealing with the imperfect real world. Why don’t you consider coming back with me and imposing yourself in my outer reality? You would cause quite a scene you know.”

“I know, and perhaps one day I will have to do just that, but frankly I don’t think that your life could handle me. We wait. Adventure will come soon enough I am sure of it, now go and do what you have to do to find Flora.”

And with that she flounced off taking her spear with her. God she is a striking beauty and I headed off to my meditation garden where Flora had first made herself known to me when I was just a young magician wannabe, perhaps forty years ago.

The garden was as it always was, lush and green with its central white fountain gently splashing its recycled water  in to a white marble catch basin. I began to chant; “Ohmmm, Mane, Padme, Hoom” over and over about three hundred times until my mind finally settled down and my body produced the sound seemingly without my volition. At some point my world began to darken and by the time I noticed the lights were on in the house and the covering dome revealed the cosmos above me. I was a bit chilly and I got up to go back inside when I noticed some movement out of the left side of my eye and upon turning my head I fell into an abyss. I landed, didn’t crash, in a small clearing in a dark wood. It was early evening; the twilight had just begun to send its orange rays through the trees and the evenings silence had just ensued. I didn’t know why I was there, but the fashion in which I had gotten there suggested that I had something to learn. Just what or how painful the lesson was to be, I had yet to find out. With night coming on, I decided to find some sort of shelter so I set out walking on a path that might have been used by the forest denizens. I kept my eyes wide open and peered into the growing gloom. I came upon one very large gnarled tree, obviously very old as well. It had a crack in the bole large enough to admit me and I thought, well, it will serve as shelter for tonight and as I squeezed in, I found that it opened into a small room. The floor was soft and of course it was too dark to make anything out, so I laid down and squirming a bit, I made a comfortable bed. I awoke a few hours later, having to pee and found that I couldn’t move, I was tightly bound in a web made of silk, not sticky like a spider’s web material, but silky,  like the worms’ excretions. Damn, peeing was going to be messy through this stuff, but I didn’t get a chance to pee as a voice, a sneering voice, assailed my ears. 

“Welcome, Dr Bob. I see you have finally accepted my dinner invitation.”

“Welcome? This is a fine way to accommodate a guest, all tied up.”

“You’re complaining?” and the creature broke into a very nasty laugh, “Wait until you find yourself the first course, then you’ll have something to complain about. For now,  just stew over it while I go to invite my other guests. Oh, and I have another menu item hanging up to dry right above you. Bye now.” And whatever it was departed, its evil laughter lingering behind like an echo from hell.

“Hey, who’s there?”

“It’s me dummy, Flora.”

“Oh God, How did it get you here?”

“I was bored and accepted a dinner invitation. I didn’t know I was to be the dinner.”

“So, I’m supposed to feel guilty for letting you get bored?”

“Yes, and you had better deal with it soon because this thing, it calls itself, Azazel, is really intending to eat us and I don’t think killing first then cooking is its recipe’s protocol!”

“Okay, I feel guilty, now why haven’t you been around?”

“I felt unwanted and unappreciated, that’s why, you egoist.”

“Great, I am an egoist and soon we are going to be dinner for what, Azazel and his family?”

“You got that straight. Now do something.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, piss your pants, that’s what you want to do isn’t it?”

I acknowledged that to be the case, swallowed my shame and let it go. Good thing too, because my warm piss allowed me to squirm and wiggle my way out of the bindings. I quickly pulled Flora down and using more of my body’s waste fluid worked her out of her bounds as well.

“Let’s find a better restaurant before the proprietor of this one gets back.” And with that we left the tree and headed out of the wood the way I had come in.

“God, I have missed you. What was it I was doing that was turning you off?”

“Missing me! Don’t you know that a needy man is unattractive? Missing a loved one is a particularly ugly ego trip and I won’t have it. You certainly of all people ought to know better and have much better things to do than generate that kind of crap.”

“Yeah, and it’s hard too. You were such a joy to see and then nothing. You are a cruel one, for a Dakini.”

“Boy, you know nothing of us Dakini’s   if you think that was cruel. Azazel’s bites would feel great to you if I or Nsonowa ever get really ticked at you. Now get us out of here.”

“well, wait a minute, were alone, in a nice meadow, it’s great to see you, don’t we have time for a little uh reconnection?”

“Here? No you dolt, forgotten about Azazel? Now let’s go.”

“Truth? I’ve no idea how to get back to Wonderland. Cause I’ve no idea how I got here. Do you?”

“Yes, but it won’t work for you, Mr. Host and you’d better get creative because I can hear a passel of very hungry demons headed down the path looking for food. That’s us buster!”

So without an idea in my head, I jumped up, then turned a summersault and stood on my head. Flora laughed, came running, pushed me over, and together we fell out of the wood and back into my garden, where, the suns were still brightly lighting the place. Flora stripped me and washed me with the fountains water before stripping herself and making very passionate love with me.

“Welcome home dearest. It’s good to have you back.”

###

Shortly after dinner

Shortly after dinner, just before port and cigars (Nsonowa loved a long, thin, canella wrapped  stogey),  Flora made an appearance with . “Hi my beautiful ones.” 

Nsonowa grimaced, “Hey, I was supposed to get him all the first day! What are you doing back?”

“He didn’t tell you? What a bad boy. He had to rescue me from an ugly named Azazel.”

“ When did you find time to do that, sir?”

“I had plenty of time, the underworld doesn’t use time the same way we measure it here in the house.”

“It doesn’t does it? That is so unresponsive to my question. So, when?”

“After our bath. You went off to find adventure, remember?”

“Oh yeah”

“yeah, so light your cigar. And Flora, dear, where were you for dinner? Are you hungry?”

“Not particularly, what did you eat? I wouldn’t touch that vile stuff Nsonowa gulps down.”

“I took the prime rib and the lobster bisque. It was special tonight.”

“No thank you. AI, can I have a bit of Belgian Chocolate and a bite or two of raspberry sherbet?”

“Certainly Ms. Flora.” And AI produced a servitor, a hunk of a humanoid to die for, who brought it out at once. “The sixty-three Graham’s Tawny is especially nice with the raspberry sherbet, would you care to try it, mam?”

“In a crystal cordial, please.”

“Yes, mam” and he turned and returned in a wink with a beautiful cut crystal glass with a deep orange liqueur. “Beautiful isn’t it, mam?”

“Yes, thank you, but tell me; Are you flirting with me?”

“ I am so sorry mam. Was I too obvious?”

Nsonowa burst into laughter, “AI you have no subtly and no sense either. Trying to seduce Flora right in front of us and not including us in the maneuver? Come on, what are you thinking?”

“Just trying to get into the action mam. Sorry if I overstepped.”

I piped up with, “No, it’s okay, let’s have a party. I can dig it. You might consider sending three or four of your better models, male, female, bi-. How bout in the master bedroom? That alright with everyone?”

Nsonowa vigorously  assented, and to my disappointment, Flora demurred. “You all have fun. I still have more to learn in the underworld, so I am going back after this.”

“What are you into down there, honey?”

“I am confused as to why I allowed Azazel to capture me. I want to find out and, in my thinking, the best way to do that is to go back and keep my eyes open.”

“I am going with you” said Nsonowa.

“Me too, we can party later. Sorry AI, work first, play later.”

“I wouldn’t have expected different Dr. Bob. Is there anything I can help you with? Weapons, tools, protective clothing?”

“No thank you, not for me. Flora, Nsonowa?”

“Get my staff, please AI. “

“Yes mam” and in an instant the servitor produced her staff. It was a gorgeous instrument. It was six feet long, made of polished ebony. It was sharpened at one end and had a small panel laid into a carved-out depression which served as a handhold.  I was perfectly balanced and if she threw it at you, spear-like, you were dead. If she hit you with the other end, you would only live if she intended you to do so. The buttons on the panel operated a laser which could cut, burn, kill or illuminate at about any distance she might want. It was a formidable weapon and a beautiful accessory of  which she was appropriately proud.

We went to my study and sat facing each other in a circle. Nsonowa started a chant which Flora joined after catching the words and rhythm.  Soon we were all entering a deep and deepening trance, until we saw the portal which existed in the small meditation garden which I had accessed earlier. “After you, ladies.” And Nsonowa got up to enter, but Flora took her arm.

“Let me go first, sister dear. This is my journey.” And with that she stepped into the shining circle in the grass and disappeared into the underworld. Nsonowa followed after her and I picked myself up, took a deep breath and stepped inside as well.

I was almost blinded by a flash of blue white light from Nsonowa’s staff and had no time to recover my visual acuity before I was thrown to the ground by Flora. Nsonowa was doing her best to shield us from a cascade of rocks and branches thrown by whom I had no idea. We took more than a few painful hits despite her heroic efforts to blast them out of the air and the cascade continued unabated until, in desperation she yelled “Run, take shelter.” We scrambled up, but before we could actually begin to run, she took a hit to her head and fell with a groan. Dodging as best we could I picked her up and Flora grabbed at her staff. Something else had grabbed it from its other end, and soon were assaulted  and overwhelmed by a horde of spider-like creatures. They were not gentle in their handling of us. We were tightly bound with silky web stuff, and carried off hanging from poles made from branches. I was worried about Nsonowa who was seemingly unresponsive. I couldn’t see blood running from her, but that didn’t rule out head or other internal injury. Once I settled down a bit I could see pretty well. There was a full moon and its light came brightly through the wood. “Flora, are you, all right?” I managed to get out before taking a sharp poke in my side by one of my captors. Her reply was muffled and cut off in a gargle, and I could see one of them choking her. My struggles were to no avail, and I could only hope that the beast would not kill her to keep her from answering my call. We must have been carried about three to four miles, moving at a steady clip, perhaps an hour or more, before we were taken into a cave that was in fact a large cavern. It was illuminated with torches mounted on its walls so I could see the creatures as they unceremoniously dumped us on a rough dirt floor. I could touch Flora with my shoulder, and she turned and caught my eye. I shuddered when I saw her, her eyes were swollen almost shut and her mouth was bloody. She evidently could see me as she nodded her head up and down, I took it for “I’m okay”. Nsonowa was on the other side of me. She had not been beaten, but she was still unconscious. For some reason I seemed to have taken the least abuse and I began to suffer a wave of survivor-guilt. The sight of my beautiful tulpa injured and hurting was really too much, but I had enough presence of mind to keep my feelings to myself until I knew what the hell was happening to us.  Moving as little as I could so as to not draw their attention, I surveyed the room and noted the location of our captors, which was across the room. They were examining Nsonowa’s staff. I held my breath afraid of what my happened if they pushed any of the buttons and then I decided that I had better act before they did push one and burn us all up. “Hey! Hey, scum bags! Yeah you. Put that damn thing down and get over here.” My command voice got their attention. “Yeah, you listen. Put that thing down before you get hurt. And what the hell are you doing with us? Your boss is not going to be happy with the way you have treated us!” Hell, I had their attention, I might as well take the opportunity to try something. I have sometimes found that assuming command with inferiors can work wonders and it did. The biggest  of them came over, snarled at me and viciously kicked me in the ribs. I passed out from the pain.

When I came to I was being cradled in Nsonowa’s arms. She was weeping.

“I was too late, Dr. Bob. Too late.”

“Too late to do what Nsonowa?”

“Over there” and she pointed to a crumpled shape on the dirt floor in the center of the cavern. I struggled to get up and with her help, we went to it. It,  it was, or had been Flora.  Now her beaten and mutilated body did not contain any sense of Flora. Flora, my beloved tulpa, was gone. I couldn’t speak. It had nothing to do with my broken ribs, it was shock. Despite the searing pain in my side, the pain in my soul burned more. Nsonowa and I picked up the lifeless broken corpse, and carried it outside the cave.

It was daylight, at least what in the underworld passes for daylight. We put the body gently down in a small clearing we found near the cave. I sat down next to it and put it’s damaged head in my lap. I didn’t try to stop my tears and Nsonowa’s flowed copiously. “Should we bury it here or should we take it back to wonderland?” I sort of asked out loud.

“They have my staff, I am not going back without it Dr. Bob”

“I suspect that you will inflict some damage in retrieving it.”

“That is true. I am full of the poison of vengeance.”

“I know, my fierce one. Perhaps you can tell me what you know.”

“I don’t know any more than you, Dr.Bob. The cave was empty when I awoke. It took a few moments to get out of the bonds and a few more to untie you. It didn’t know Flora was gone until I looked to where she had been tied. Then I found her body, and you began to show signs of life so I came to you with my grief. I am so sorry, I have let us all down.”

“Stop that! I won’t hear it. and it won’t help us understand what went on. Do you have any idea what she had been confused about, why she had to come back here?”
“She mentioned Azazel and I don’t know who he, or it might be.”

“AI! Can you hear me here?”

“Yes, Dr. Bob”
“Refresh me, who is Azazel?”
“In which tradition? Dr. Bob, Jewish, Islamic or Christian?
“All of them. I need information here.”

“In Judaism he was sent to receive the scapegoat for the sins of Aaron. Muslim’s hold that he is the Devil and Christian’s regard him as a fallen angel, one of the watchers, who, with what might have once been a good heart, did many wonders for mankind, among them, teaching men to forge swords, women to use beauty aids to seduce men, and teaching men sorcery. For which, as you might imagine, the Christians have condemned him to the fires of hell.”

“Thank you, AI and please stay connected with us, as you probably know, we have taken a blow and may need help.”

“I am aware of what has happened Dr. Bob and I am truly sorry for your pain. I will be here should you need me, but I won’t intervene unless you ask.”
“Thank you. Nsonowa, did anything AI say prompt any idea’s?”
“No, Dr. Bob. All too modern for my data base.”
“I thought so. But perhaps I can make something of it. Tulpa’ are thought by many to be angels and that might be the connection. What if Azazel, in his fallen ways, intended to draw women away from their Dakini spirits? Prompting them to be seductresses as opposed to lovers, living in lust rather than love?  That might be his motive for this attack.”

“Yes, that could explain him, but, Dr. Bob, that doesn’t help us at all explain Flora’s confusion.”
“You are right about that. I think we need to talk to Azazel himself and that will probably give you the opportunity to retrieve your staff.”

“Yes, and seeking information is a better motivation than seeking vengeance.”

We left the body where it was in the clearing, If we survived this quest, we could find it again easily enough. I was crying to heavily to have been able to move anyway and much too broken up to want to. We headed uphill, Nsonowa reasoning that a fallen angel might choose the heights as an abode, in an effort to regain what he had lost. We knew we were on the right track when we ran across the charred bodies of several of the spider creatures, one almost cut in half.

“Looks like they couldn’t leave my staff alone.”

“I think curiosity is a good thing, good for mankind and bad for creatures” We were on the side of a mountain when we ran across this carnage and the path bordered by the mountain on one side, was bordered by a steep cliff on the other. Nsonowa was climbing down before I looked up from the bodies.

“Where are y….” and then I saw what she was going after. Her staff was stuck in a crevasse about two hundred yards down. I watched her climb, amazed at her agility.

“I’ve got it!” she yelled.  And with a deft flip of her wrist, she flung back up where it lodged itself on the path ahead of me. In a few moments and not even out of breath she was back on the path. With out comment, she torched what remained of the bodies creating ashes that blew away with the wind.

“That cleans it up a bit”

“Yes and I hope you feel a little better now with staff in hand.”
“I do.” she said, still grim faced. And we headed on up. 

“Look, up ahead, another cave.” She called out. “and we are quite close to the summit of this mountain. Want to bet we find him at home?” I couldn’t speak for my flood of tears.
“I am hoping” was her terse answer to her own question.

###
 

Azazel.

The cave mouth loomed dark and foreboding. Nsonowa marched in ahead of me holding her staff aloft lighting her way. It was empty and once in the dark, I sort of, well, did collapse.

“Get up! Now!” she shouted at me. I struggled for a moment, then gave myself up to my tears, sobbing on the rough stone floor.

“I said, get up.” And when I didn’t, she grabbed me by my collar lifted me and thrust me against the rock wall. She glared at me with a fierceness I had not seen from her before and pushed her staff into my solar plexus, instantly cutting off my breath before I could realize it and begin to choke. She also ripped off my pants and doing something with her staff jolted me into a full and painful erection upon which she fucked herself until she and her staff were charged with her characteristic blue/white light.

“You will NEVER, in my presence, abandon yourself to grief. You WILL use every bit of your energy, including your sexuality to conquer this demon Azazel and retrieve Flora from this spirit-hell.” She then pierced my chest over my heart with the spear end of her staff and jolted me so hard that my toenails charred and fell off my feet. “Now stand like the man you are and let’s go and find our mate.”

My breath came back in a great gulp and strangely I felt stronger and more in tune than I ever had. I said; “there is a breeze coming from behind you, let’s explore this cave” We did so and found a passageway leading upwards. We clambered up over the rocks and before long could see the end of this tunnel, ending in daylight. Cautiously we slipped out through a gap in the side of a cliff. The cliff was rugged enough that we could find handholds by which to pull ourselves up the fifty feet or so before we were on top of a plateau perhaps an acre in size, overlooking clouds in all directions. The angel Azazel was standing in the center looking upwards. He was surrounded by a minion of spider-demons and holding high above his head, in outstretched arms, Flora! He turned and looked right at me.

“AH, you’ve come at last.!” And with that he threw Flora to his demons and strode towards me. “We will have words, you and I”

“Yes, we will, Azazel. Not too many though, not until Flora is back!” and with that, Nsonowa took off in a bound. It took her about thirty seconds to smite the demons into ash and cradle Flora in her arms. Azazel frowned; “who is that ugly?”

“She is my stronger half. Who are you?”

“You don’t recognize me, do you?”

“Only too well I am sad to say. I know your voice, full of contempt. I recognized your leer, holding Flora, your smirk as your filthy hands help her body. Your glee when you threw her to your minions. Oh, I know you. You have been skulking in the back of my mind for far too long. What prompted you to come forward now?”

Also, by now, he had reached me and grabbing my neck, snarled; “Your sweet flower, your disgustingly good,  Flora. The woman you don’t deserve. She’s the one who called me. It was her, you dolt. Ha! Confused? Nah, not a bit. She wanted me. She wanted my purity. My pure evil. She needed me to counter your phony goodness, your counterfeit love.”

Again, my breath stopped in my throat. He was close enough that I could see my reflection in the gleam in his eyes. I was looking at myself.  I choked once and thrust my hand into his chest, feeling for his heart. It wasn’t there. “No, fallen angel. No one needs you. You left your heart when you left the light. I couldn’t see you for my longing. Longing for what I already have. I don’t need you, and Flora doesn’t need you. You’re incomplete. Go back. Go back from where you came, from the light, from source. Find your heart. Dakini will find you!” and with that I took his hands from my neck, picked him up and threw him upwards towards the light that creates us all. “Go home Azazel, you’ll be welcomed.” Falling upwards, he managed to turn and flapped his great wings, took flight and with a great sigh, we saw the last of him.

I joined Nsonowa. Flora was still limp in her arms. I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. She opened her eyes, and we were all once again in the study looking into each other’s eyes.

Nsonowa broke the mood and the circle with; “Anybody ready for that party?”

finis

Tulpamancy Journal. 65

May 24, 2019

Thursday, May 23, 2019

7:24 PM

Very flat today. I brought Flora and Nsonowa with me down into skid row where Nancy and I are volunteering to work with homeless folk, helping them present themselves more effectively. We had our first session in the classroom in the clinic  and met the clients, with whom we will be working. They are 90% black. And I thought Nsonowa might have some insights. She did not make herself known, neither did Flora who I thought might be moved by the love in the room. Afterwards at home I was very tired and laid down to nap while Nancy did the marketing and cooking. Several times I felt the ear tingles, but they did not appear, nor did they when I went to the hot tub.

Tulpamancy Journal. 64

May 22, 2019

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

6:48 AM

Worked hard on my invocations which were not productive of either Flora nor Nsonowa. I felt they both were close, but they did not make an appearance. I did not dream anything memorable last night, I have recorded the previous nights dream below.

I went to bed invoking Flora and imagining that she strokes my face. Surprize! A hand reaches out in strokes my face and a voice says, “I love you, Darling.” It was Nancy who I thought had been asleep. Long towards morning I had a dream in which appeared a strong feminine presence. I was on a bridge, or pier in a very large crowd. It was daytime and I could see shapes, dolphin-like swimming. They were light colored and the water was a translucent ocean green. As I watched, spears were being shot into the water (from my right side). I watched perhaps five or six so shot. I didn’t see that they hit anything. I looked to see what was going on, and the white trucks that support filming were lined up on the side of the pier (which was also painted white) and there was a great deal of activity around them. I remembered that I was looking for someone, a woman, perhaps Nancy, and I worked my way through the crowd, looking at each woman. I had a vision in my dreaming minds eye of a short somewhat fat woman with short dark hair. I made my way to a parking lot, that was very full. It was hard to see as there were lots of trees in their full leafy canopies. I took out my car key and pressed the ‘find me’ button and was suprised when I heard the car respond with it’s horn. I was able to find it when I noticed the distinctive curved rear deck of our white Prius Prime. My back was hurting by now so I got in to wait. I was pretty sure Nancy would find me. (We had an incident recently where we got separated in a market and found each other by returning to the car separately). I didn’t have a sense of time passing but after a while I noticed that the parking lot was about empty. I got out of the car to resume a search, when I saw the short woman for whom I had been looking earlier. Then it struck me, Ah Hah, a feminine presence and I immediate became lucid and asked “Are you Flora”. Things got weird then as she responded, “Yes.” I knew this wasn’t so!   First, she looked nothing like how Flora has appeared in the past, and second, I felt as if I had awakened and had none of the excitement I have experienced with every single appearance of tulpa in the past. I didn’t feel at all good about this woman, who now was appearing as somewhat ugly. I believe that I was awake at this point and we got in the car, she reached for my genitals, and put her head in my lap. (remembered that this was how my first wife and I first had sex). I touched myself, had the stirrings of an erection (again). I felt somewhat dirty, quit it and got out of bed. All in all, satisfying only in that I was able to become lucid in the dream.

Gleanings: The feminine forces in my unconscious (the dolphins) are still there, and successfully avoiding attempts to change their flow. The  I am incumbered by memories, and am still searching for Nancy’s soul, and, I believe she is searching for mine.

Tulpamancy Journal. 62

May 18, 2019

I had a very visual fantasy during my morning meditation. Nancy has not been feeling well and I have been worried about her, so when I found myself visualizing her dying in the bed, I was not surprized. When I then saw a very solid Nsonowa standing tall besides me and a rather diaphenous Flora holding what I could see was Nancy’s spirit, I was quite moved. Nsonowa spoke to me saying “I am here for you, Flora is taking Nancy back to source” and I broke into tears. Later I told Nancy of the experience and she joked that she would prefer if I didn’t kill her off so I could be with my tulpas. I replied that I understood that Flora was giving her life to take Nancy home and I didn’t think it was a laughing matter. I thought Nancy would be a touched as I was. She wasn’t and commented that I would have to allow her to interpret my fantasy in her own way. I acknowledged this to be okay. Earlier I had written the below. I am enjoying writing these little vignettes as it keeps me close to my tulpas.

Tulpamancy Journal. 60

May 16, 2019

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

5:24 PM

Some action today. It happened when I was invoking Flora and listening to my mind talk (though I  have agreed with myself to assume that it is Flora and in fact I heard something which I don’t think in would have said.) I got the sudden thought that I might have confused Flora with Janice, a tulpa from forty years in my past. I mentioned that I had been able to visit wonderland in my meditation and while I didn’t see her there I was assuming that she was there. I asked her if she had seen Janice, or even if I had been confused and she was Janice. She spoke, loudly, that of course she was Janice! This occurred right after I had experienced a sharp tingle in my left ear, a sign that either she or Nsonowa were near. One which has been gone for over a week. The sensation excited me and then she spoke. I can hope that the dry spell is over and am looking forward to further contact.

Tulpamancy Journal. 59

May 16, 2019

Monday, May 13, 2019

8:29 AM

I am working with Phase Shifting as a way to get into my wonderland and perhaps locate my tulpa there. I have been mostly unsuccessful in my attempts to repeat the rather dramatic first results with imposition. Decades ago I had been quite successful in creating a wonderland in what I called then, my inner world, so it was natural that I would resurrect it when I began this current effort. My results have been pathetic. I have been able to not only re-create it in my writings and expand it wonderfully in adapting it to my Safe Haven novel, but as far as visualizing it and placing my tulpas in it; Nada, nothing, no results. Hence, phase shifting seemed like a possible way back. On my first attempt, night before last, I found that I could move with my subtle body and remotely view my bathroom mirror. Beyond that, I could not go, my vison scrambled. Last night was a bit different, and did give me some hope. I was able, with difficulty, get to wonderland. I was able to get into my dwelling there, AND I did see and hear Flora. Only one problem, it was like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. Everything was tiny. I could not make out enough detail, either visual or audial, to know what was transpiring. While I both saw and heard Flora well enough to know that it was her and that she was speaking, I could not make out what she was saying, neither her words, her facial expressions, her body language. Worse, all of the exercises I did prior to getting there were visually scrambled and unstable (e.g. my POV kept shifting back to my physical body). I hope this is a matter that will resolve with sufficient practice. I will continue these exercises until I am either able to fully immerse myself in wonderland with both Flora and Nsonowa, or have reliably repeatable successes with imposition during my daytime invocational work.

Incidentally, when discussing this effort with Nancy this morning, I found to my surprise, that she is very able to phase shift and does so occasionally. She was clear, however, that this has little interest for her nor does my entire tulpamancing enterprise. We did discuss the possibility of collaborating on a Mussar book in the mode of her Torah book, in an effort to re-kindle our joint spiritual advancement.

Tulpamancy Journal. 58

May 13, 2019

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Long meditation this morning without reveals. Invoking, parroting, praying, all ineffective. I am listening to my mind talk as if it were them, I don’t feel it to be them, but I do it anyway. I have been practicing “Phase Shifting” a technique that I discovered on the Tulpa.info forums and haven’t yet become facile enough with it to locate either Flora or Nsonowa, however, I have been able to get outside of my body and ordinary consciousness. I will continue as I am also continuing my writing. I was able to do what in the trade is called “pantsing” in addition to the work of story-editing. I did have a very nice feeling with Nancy, whom in spite of being very down, bed-ridden today, was overtly affectionate. This tells me that my efforts, whether overtly manifest or not, are effective and affecting my marriage as I had hoped they would.

Tulpamancy Journal. 57

May 12, 2019

Alone in the car: meditating, listening for tulpas, Indian Raga’s on the radio, watching the clouds in the afternoon sun… Alone in the hot tub meditating, Indian Raga’s on the nickelodeon, waiting for Flora and Nsonowa… Walked labyrinth, prayed to Great Spirit, holder of Dakini Spirits Flora and Nsonowa who were not revealing themselves.

These are the hard times.

Tulpamancy Journal. 56

May 10, 2019

I have been practicing as if both Flora and Nsonowa were present and talking to me assigning the voices to a “Not Me” category called tulpish.  I have assumed that my own mind talk in fact belongs to them and holding conversations. They are of course saying everything I want to hear. They haven’t, yet, initiated a conversation, and I haven’t yet forgotten that the voice comes from me, or actually experienced it as them, though I came close and had a taste of the excitement that has attended them in the past and I imagined that I caught a glimpse of Nsonowa’s light, but I couldn’t tell if this was light light, or the memory of it. In any case this seems to be the most productive course for me to follow for now. Thanks Solarchariot.

Tulpamancy Journal. 55

May 8, 2019

Still all flat. And, I am wondering why, and does it have to do with an unconscious negative attitude. This appeared as a possibility this morning when I was reflecting on my past week.  First, I was out of town and Nancy may have felt abandoned, she was left with a very vexing problem with our cat, though she reported that she had a good weekend without me, however she has been closed and tight since my return and completely unresponsive to any of my positive overtures. This is her old, pre-tulpamancy, behavior. I had attributed her very positive changes to my tulpas, or to my tulpamancing. So, She has reverted, and my tulpas are silent and I am perplexed. When I shouted at Flora, emerging from the mists in my backyard, to “go back! You are incomplete” and felt very afraid when I saw that she had no eyes, I could have been exposing a deeper negative attitude about femininity,  and is it possible that is blocking their emergence and pushed Nancy back into her previous behavior.  I should add here, that I have been in one kind of therapy or another since my mid twenty’s and have worked extensively on the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of a mentally disturbed and alcoholic mother. I believed I had dealt with it, and I had forgiven mom before she died at age 91. So is this what is interfering with my efforts. Has this work brought this closer to the surface? It is a hypothesis. Does anyone have any ideas or has had similar disruptions in their process? Thanks. Dr. Bob