Archive for June, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 76

June 30, 2019

I am starting this entry earlier than usual and note that I will have to update later today as I have not yet done much of my regular daily tulpamantic rituals. That said, I want to get down what I experienced as a close call. First let it be known that I had a headache upon awakening this morning and the stiffness and pain in my neck and shoulders has continued to get worse. Second, I had an eye exam this morning which left me exhausted and with my eyes dilated. I intended to go straight to bed when I got home and I did though with one short detour to get a cop of coffee. Upon getting in bed I again saw the blue/white light that I associate with Nsonowa. She did not respond to my invitation to manifest. Second, when I changed my position in bed, I had a strong pain in my left ear. (more than a ‘tingle’) I thought perhaps that was a herald of an appearance by Flora and I did invoke her. She did not respond and the pain subsided, though not totally and I still have a residual ache. In all of this neither of my tulpa has made a definite appearance for quite awhile, despite my efforts which I have not skimped on.

next day

It has been awhile since I have had any kind of connection in my meditations. Today was different. Not greatly satisfying, but still a real connection if only for a moment. Our Rabbi took us on a body sensitivity meditation after chanting rabba emunatechka, or expressing gratitude for faith.

I must admit, I am losing faith in this process, though NOT my intention to continue, nor my certainty that the phenomena I have experienced so far  are both real, an affirm my innate ability to obtain the results that are possible.

After weeks of completely unsatisfactory meditations, the last one early this morning. I have had a result. It was after the guidance (and my own invocation) and settling into my silence, I noticed in my visual fields, a  brilliant almost shining frame made of scarlet bows in which was a color photograph of a white face, which looked female and when I looked more closely, had dark brown hair. I called to Flora, and the image began to morph into a negroid face. I called Nsonowa, and the whole thing receded and faded into nothingness. I was excited, I knew that I had a glimpse of them both. This was real. The first definably real connection in a long time. Real, both visually and emotionally.  I am thrilled. I am also curious about why I couldn’t hold the images. In some ways their facial expressions looked stressed, I imagined that they are as frustrated as I about the blockage. I still have in mind the interfering blonde woman. I will continue to work on this. I will post this later today when I see what the rest of the day brings.

The rest of the day, has been interesting. Nancy retreated to her office to work on a project, she was still sad over a tif we had this morning. I sat down to meditate. I chose a You Tube video on Guided Meditation to Lucid Dreaming. I followed the guide into a profound relaxation and began to feel myself dissolving. I was looking for Flora and Nsonowa. I knew I would find them. I could feel them to be close by. Suddenly, I was jerked awake and out of the trance. I did not know why. It took about an hour to go back in, this time with a different video, and again I went very deeply into trance and I was following the guides suggestions and went way out into space. I was able to see myself from outside of my own body. As soon as I recognized I was doing this, I was jerked awake. This time I could not get back to that state of trance and finally gave it up and began to write. My piece is about Nsonowa and myself, and we have decided to investigate an alien infestation of my mindscape (wonderland) in which I will be separated from her and have to face my own demons without her, and in fact, have to do it while I rescue her from certain death. We’ll see if this story reveals the clues to solve the problem of my tulpa’s inability to manifest freely.

Tulpamancy Journal. 75

June 26, 2019

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

11:10 AM

Still not much happening despite my ongoing efforts. I have had two occasions, when either lying down for a nap or a night’s sleep when I experienced sudden flashes, like mini explosions of Blue white light. I thought they might be heralding an appearance by Nsonowa. She did not appear, much to my disappointment. I have not had a dream that was at all interesting enough to remember. I am vocalizing, visualizing, writing about them and performing ritualistic invocations daily. Nancy and I continue to do well together, even though she is not well suffering daily from increasing fatigue. I am going to post this as negative results are still data points.

Tulpamancy Journal. 74

June 11, 2019

Nothing today after reporting the dream. Then in my evening meditation, I had the sudden inspiration to write to this. I’ve posted it below.

On a squeaky swing

On a squeaky swing

In my backyard

West wind breezes through

The crows at eventide.

A portal stands open.

Open and empty.

Where once stood

A goddess, bejeweled

Beckoning

Coming closer

Ah my diaphanous goddess

Blowing away in the twilight.

Jewel by precious jewel

Lost to me? Oh God

I pray not.

I have spent hours, nay, days

Gazing into and through your leafy boughs.

Am I impatient?

Yes, and what of it.

My heart yearns for my Dakini spirit,

Breaks for Flora, my beautiful one, my soft one.

And I thirst for Nsonowa my fierce one.

So Much for that. Now what to do?

Impatience has one virtue; it may inspire industry.

And Industry, in creating art, or commerce, or philosophy, or music, or literature, or any thing at all,

Is a good thing.

So…What have I learned

About myself

 I have a ghost. She appears (may not be a she) in the body of a heavy-set blond woman, engaged in helping me, solacing me, or needing my solace. Of Late she has appeared with an un-recognizably distorted face. She has on one occasion answered to her name. More often, not.   I can’t let her speak to me! Don’t ask, cause I don’t know.

I just can’t, and yes, I am aware the using the word ‘just’ conceals some hidden agenda. And I wish it weren’t so well hidden. I have invited her into my imagination and will see what emerges. T 

First Thought; The Red Witch Returns….

     The little boat struggled against eight to twelve-foot seas. There had been a brisk west by northwest head wind all day and it was increasing by the hours. They held their course, One man and two women. One of the women had succumbed to seasickness as soon as the boat turned out of the bay and into the real ocean. The other bravely stood on the bow, calling all clear ahead to the man who was straining at the wheel. 

“Dr. Bob, Sir. Twelve-footer ahead three waves hence.

“Thanks, Nsonowa, I can trim a few points North.”

“I hear some stirrings from below, could that be Flora?”

“I’m sure of it, this little cutter is tight so it’s not bilge. And I put everything shipshape before we sailed.”

“I’m going down to see if I can comfort her at all.”

“Thanks, Nsonowa, Do what you can to ease her distress.” And I turned back to the wheel. I had drifted five degree’s in the moment I looked away from the raging seas ahead of me. At seven oh six pm. The sun touched the horizon and the wind dropped. We were in a sudden calm. The Sea flattened out and I was able to turn the boat towards the beckoning harbor. We entered it a half-hour later, and I pulled us up to the dock. Flora emerged from the hold where she had suffered all day (except the three times she came up to vomit overboard). “Hey how’d it go guy? I feel great.”

Nsonowa dropped her jaw about half way to the floor and looked at me. I broke into a raucus laughter. And Nsonowa followed.

   The first night, tied up safely in a posh marina, we made dinner, we made the bed, we made love, most of the night, we slept like the dead until the harbor master was knocking of the hatch. 

To be continued…

Tulpamancy Journal. 73

June 10, 2019

Today I had the dream posted below. I also had the vaguest sense that Flora was near. The slightest of sensations in my left ear and a hint of feeling her presence. Not enough to write home about, but still.

06.10.19  I had another long and chaotic dream and didn’t remember much, except for one image; that of a heavy set blond woman. She was dressed in a french blue suit. Her hair was short and curled, like a school girl (which she was not). For some reason I was trying to console her by offering her a flute of champagne. She refused and when I looked at her, her face was distorted and I could not make out features. It was grotesque really.  I asked if she were Flora (my lucidity cue) and she did not respond. I looked around intending to go and find Flora, but I could not see anything that looked like a destination. I was in a city in the daytime, and had no sense of which way to go so I woke up. This is beginning to look really important, three such dreams now. I will probably ask Nancy to help me process it  and perhaps find out what the block is about. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 72

June 9, 2019

I Maybe had some movement today during some unscheduled snooze time during my meditation. I for one second saw and felt Flora lying on top of me, her head on my breast. I looked down on her, holding her, feeling her heft, my adrenalin beginning to rise, and the image distorted, into an unrecognizable blob. And she was gone, or her presence was gone and my excitement immediately began to subside. Tonight was spent in Temple studying storytelling with the rabbi’s. I have hopes for tonight.

Here are the dreams of last night.

06.05.19  Despite my efforts to awaken and attempt to enter lucidity from the waking state, I did not hear the alarm set for 3am (which I had located under my pillow in an effort to not disturb Nancy–it didn’t )  I did achieve a bit of lucidity when I was confronted with an image in a dream, of a pink polymorphous mass of something. It disgusted me in the dream, and again in the dream, I had the thought that it was “protoplasm” and with that thought, I became lucid and asked; “Are you Flora?” and I was immediately answered with a loud “Yes!” and I woke up immediately. I recalled that I had set the alarm, and I retrieved the clock from under my pillow, it was 5:43 am, the alarm function was on but silent (it was set to vibrate). I turned it off and got up to start my day. Nancy got up about an hour later and she had not heard any of this. 

My take-away was that, in my subconscious  mind Flora is as yet ‘unformed’ perhaps in a state analogous to what I consigned to her in the visitation of  March 31st (2019). I have also been contemplating the notion that the visitation, which I believed may have been a representation of a purer Dakini Spirit e.g. without having adopted any characteristics of either Flora or of Nsonowa, may have been instead, a “Jinn”. I had a fleeting thought of this at the time, but the idea has only recurred now as I have been reading  Ion Light’s “Liminal” in which he explores the Jinn phenomenon as a variety of tulpa.

06.08.19  I managed to recover one image from a dream. It was a long and rather scattered and I don’t remember any of it, and I didn’t remember even having it when I awoke. Later when I began my in sauna meditation, it came to me. I was being hugged by a largish blond woman dressed in an ill-fitting wrinkled white satin suit. She was trying to solace me, for what I do not remember. I do remember wondering (within the dream) whether or not she was a feminine prescence and deciding that she was not, and that I would not ask her if she were Flora (my cue to assume lucidity). So I didn’t and the dream went on. My takeaway was that there is an uncomfortable experience with being gifted an unwanted hug somewhere in my memories and that is perverting my access to the feminine. I tried to remember any such incidents and could only recall my grandmother, who was a largish woman, who would NEVER have dressed in any way as tacky as the dream person, nor would have delivered any contact that was unwanted and I cannot remember receiving any unwanted attention from her. I also recalled two female patients, one of who suffered from erotomania and gave me a lot of unwanted attention. I was able to set appropriate limits with her, but she and her husband later defrauded me of several thousand dollars by cashing an insurance check that should have been sent to me. The patient, a heavy woman, did not give me unwanted attention, but also defrauded me for even more money with the mis-sent insurance check. Both of the insurers were the US Military so I didn’t even bother to try to get re-imbursed. I also recalled a dream previously recorded here, in whiich this same woman appeared, also interfering with my process. So I clearly have some very negative experiences surrounding and perhaps defining my feminine current (anima). What their role might be in inhibiting my tulpa, I do not know. I have added “Slichah, forgiveness” to my summoning and charging ritual.

Tulpamancy Journal. 71

June 8, 2019

I am still getting very flat days and nights with no appearences. I have been working on my invocations, practicing them on the labyrinth during my morning meditations. I have recorded my calls below.

Summoning of the Tulpas

Face North at labyrinth mouth.

Cast a golden circle of protection

Include all love

Exclude the ugly

Step into the mouth face the center of the labyrinth

Declare out loud with out stretched arms,

“I Consecrate this space with divine light”

Take path to inner circuit

Face the center of the circle

Declare, out loud with out stretched arms,

“I Consecrate this space with kedusha”

Take path to next circuit

Face the center of the circle

Declare out loud with out stretched arms

“I Consecrate this space with kavod

Take path to next circuit

Face the center of the circle

Declare out loud with out stretched arms

“I Consecrate this space with anavah

Continue in this manner until you have faced the center of the circle

Fifteen times using the list below.

  1. Divine light, Ohr e+Ein Sof
  2. Holiness, Kedusha
  3. Respect, Kavod
  4. Humility, Anavah
  5. Alacrity, Zerizut
  6. Intentionality, Kavanah
  7. Awareness, Zehirut
  8. Compassion, Rachamim
  9. Gratitude, Hakarat HaTov
  10. Passion, tshuka
  11. Joy, Simcha
  12. Truth, Emet
  13. Freedom, elutheria
  14. Spirit, ruach
  15. In the name of  source. El

Step into center of the circle

Facing north, issue call

Oh spirit of the north, blow away the dust from our eyes with your dagger sharp wind.

Facing east, issue call

Oh spirit of the east, ground my call in the earth,

Facing south, issue call

Oh spirit of the south, release your mighty passion in all consuming flames

Facing west, issue call’

Oh western waters, wash us clean in your pure essence.

Facing north again,

Open arms outstretched to the sky, issue call

Great Spirit, Shakina of Presence

Hear my call

“Dakini, Dakini, Dakini Spirit.

I invite you into my soul

I ask you to enter and enliven my tulpas

Breathe in to them your spirit of love, of light, of life

Dakini, Dakini Spirit

Ho

Reverse path to exit.

Take every circuit break facing out wards

At each break,

Throw up hands outstretched to sky

And offer a gratitude at each one

Exit the labyrinth mouth

Turn and with  arms outstretched, say

Open golden circle of protection

Release all of the love with in this sacred space”,

May it pervade the universe

Ho Ho

This ritual may be modified as suits the magician.

Tulpamancy Journal. 70

June 5, 2019

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Another flat day. I had some hopes that perhaps today would bring Flora out, because of the dream I posted below, but no. I have had a very busy day and did not get an afternoon meditation. This mornings’ was without effect. So, I am getting that looking for, waiting for a result, might be inhibiting them. Ah, the paradox, the more I want, the less I get. If I stop wanting, then will I realize my hearts desire? And how does that work with the injunction to practice, practice, practice? Well I am living my life, keeping up with my responsibilities, being present to Nancy and my friends. Journaling, and otherwise putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, while leaving my self open to the love that the universe has for me (and for all of us).

06.05.19  Despite my efforts to awaken and attempt to enter lucidity from the waking state, I did not hear the alarm set for 3am (which I had located under my pillow in an effort to not disturb Nancy–it didn’t )  I did achieve a bit of lucidity when I was confronted with an image in a dream, of a pink polymorphous mass of something. It disgusted me in the dream, and again in the dream, I had the thought that it was “protoplasm” and with that thought, I became lucid and asked; “Are you Flora?” and I was immediately answered with a loud “Yes!” and I woke up immediately. I recalled that I had set the alarm, and I retrieved the clock from under my pillow, it was 5:43 am, the alarm function was on but silent (it was set to vibrate). I turned it off and got up to start my day. Nancy got up about an hour later and she had not heard any of this. 

My take-away was that, in my subconscious  mind Flora is as yet ‘unformed’ perhaps in a state analogous to what I consigned to her in the visitation of  March 31st (2019). I have also been contemplating the notion that the visitation, which I believed may have been a representation of a purer Dakini Spirit e.g. without having adopted any characteristics of either Flora or of Nsonowa, may have been instead, a “Jinn”. I had a fleeting thought of this at the time, but the idea has only recurred now as I have been reading  Ion Light’s “Liminal” in which he explores the Jinn phenomenon as a variety of tulpa.

Tulpamancy Journal. 69

June 5, 2019

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

7:34 PM

Absolutely flat again today. No dreaming, lucid or otherwise. No sense of nearness while meditating. No responses to labyrinth invocation.

I got a nice letter from S.C. regarding his incredible response to his new practice of dream forcing. I might try something like it tonight as I have had no improvement in my attempts at remote viewing by “Phase Shifting”.  I have set a 3am alarm (It will vibrate  under my pillow so not to disturb Nancy. I would love to get a response, as I am truly wondering what I am doing wrong, or if not wrong, what is my block is. Oh well, keep on truckin’.

Tulpamancy Journal. 68

June 4, 2019

Very flat today. I have had trouble with vocalizations lately, except formally on the labyrinth, so I have primarily focused on writing to either Flora, Nsonowa, or both.

Nsonowa at Night  

The wind was blowing both over the forest and through the forest and driving a hot rain with it. It had been stifling all day, and when the wind and rain hit, the heat only worsened the mood of the small band of people who were forced to shelter in their leafy roofed shelters. Nsonowa was just 12 years old and had not yet been separated from her family, though her twin brother had just been moved to the men’s tent. She was more than a little happy about it. He was a brute. Bigger than she and beloved by her father even though she was the first born, he had been tormenting her for as long as she could remember.  She found no refuge from her family as she had only younger brothers, and they of course idolized her brother and tried to emulate him in their treatment of her. She had to tolerate it from him, but not from them and when they cried, she then got it from her mother. There was no justice in the small community of her tribe, just hard scrabble daily life. She did however have one out. Her grandmother, the eldest woman in their extended tribe and in fact the entire Maasai nation, had at the moment of her birth, chosen her, to be her apprentice and given her name. Nsonowa the seventh born, which was, in her grandmothers’ line of sorcerers, a very powerful position in the birth order. Nsonowa was positioned to be the female leader of the nation and a powerful witch. Provided she survived her childhood. With her brother gone she now had a much better chance of doing so. Taking advantage of a break in the deluge, she slipped out of the noisy hut and headed out of the village in search of some alone time. She imagined she could get out of the thick jungle and up onto the rocky mountain which marked the end of the Maasai eastern range. She followed a well-trodden path which on many occasions had served as her escape route. She wasn’t much faster than her brother, but she was much more agile and if she could reach the rocks before her collared her, she would avoid a beating. Today, she was running to avoid the rain, it would not be so heavy on the mountain as the clouds thinned over it and she did reach her route up the mountain before it started falling again. Not being chased, she could afford to take her time on the rain slicked rocks and was able to climb quite high. High enough to get above the clouds and overlook the sea of cloud which covered the jungle plain her people called home. She adopted the position her grandmother taught her. One which would allow her to receive the message of the stones upon which she sat, allow her to receive the message of the wind which blew over her, and allow her to receive the message of the landscape in front of her eyes.

She hadn’t been their long when she began to shiver. She thought it was strange as the day was decidedly not cold, nor even cool. Sweltering hot was a more apt descriptor. Next, she felt a sudden cramp in her abdomen and a tension in the nipples on her budding breasts. She became very alert. She was transitioning. A state she had been well prepared for by her grandmother as it marked a period of great vulnerability for a young witch. A condition in which she could be attacked by the spirit enemies of the sisterhood to which grandmother belonged. She immediately crossed her legs closing herself to the endasim of the ol-oiboink who would lead the attack. She gasped as she felt that first surge of menstrual blood, thinking that she had been too late to prevent the attack but then recalled that the blood pooled under her was the cleansing that would dispel any such magic. Feeling much empowered by her transition, she rose and headed home. She wore her blood as a badge signifying her womanhood. Also, her brother would not dare to touch her now. She was a woman, and he was in the men’s hut and no contact between men and women were  allowed until the mating  rituals which would be set by the elders at what grandmother said was a propitious time. For her, she knew that that time was a long time off as she would now enter her formal apprenticeship under her grandmother and would not mate until it was time for her to provide her own replacement. She would however when the time came, be trained in sex magic as it was a power generator for female sorcerers, and she was looking forward to that part of her training. Vengeance, sweet vengeance she as she remembered the beatings, and now she would be the aggressor and he would be helpless bound by the customs of the men’s hut.

That was to be a long time from now, however. Her basic training, unknown to her at that time would occupy her for the next thirteen moons. During that time, she would not touch a man, and should a man touch her, so much as a glancing grope, he would be killed. Grandmother and her sisterhood would not tolerate a man violating one of their acolytes, and especially one as valued as a Nsonowa, the seventh born. Oh, the death would be terrible and take place in view of everyone not only in the village, but in the nation. Nsonowa’s father, did I mention that he was high chief, leader of the nation? No. well he was, and he had not been oblivious to the interactions between his favored oldest son and his first born so when the boy went into the men’s hut, he was given very specific instructions on how to avoid females and especially his sister. He wasn’t happy about it, but he knew he was slated to succeed his father as chief and figured he could put her in her place once he took over. In the meantime, Nsonowa still had to negotiate the climb down the rocky cliff to return home. The light was failing, the temperature was falling as was a light rain. The rocks were even more slippery than on her ascent and she was moving slowly and carefully. She came upon a swiftly flowing cataract that had developed since her trip up and she realized she would have to find a new route down. She hadn’t gone far when the rain picked up again in earnest and the increased cloud cover robbed her of what little light there had been. She realized that she was in trouble and decided than rather go further, she would be safer if she were to find shelter for the night and wait out the bad conditions. The cliff face was replete with caves so she knew that she would be successful in that endeavor. And soon she was. The cave mouth faced west and at that moment was catching the last rays of the setting sun, under the clouds, she sat for a moment looking into the twilight and chanted a magical incantation that she had heard from her grandmother some time back. She liked the sound of it so hoped that it would help protect her from any weird energies that might be moving about getting ready for the night. Then with the absolute last of the light she entered the cave and made herself a sort of  bed in a depression in the rocky floor and found enough sand to provide a minimum of cushioning. She fell asleep quickly, hoping that her mother would not be too worried about her. She had been out all night a few times before and as their home was in a relatively safe part of the jungle, no one was overly concerned and those who knew her trusted her to be resourceful and take care of herself. She was in the midst of a disturbing dream, when she awoke suddenly hearing animal noises not far from her. As she had been raised in the wild, she knew that movement gave one away, so she opened only her eyes. And held her body absolutely still. The noises, scratching at first, then a snuffling and heaving breathing, then a low growl alarmed her. Still she held still. At one point she felt a cold wet nose nudging her legs and smelled the hot rather fetid breath of what she thought must be a bear. She dispelled that notion when it spoke! “Well my oh my. What do we have here? A very very young woman if my nose tells me right. Speak woman. What are you doing in my cave?”

“I didn’t see your name on the door. Why is it yours, I was here first.”

“Oh, you are an audacious one. What is your name, daughter?”

“Nsonowa, and what is yours?”

“Ursine the bear. And this cave is mine because I am bigger than you, and I was actually here before you. I have lived here for many seasons. Many more seasons than you have been alive. Now please answer my question, what are you doing here?”

“Simple, I am taking shelter for the night.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Come daughter, you are ignorant, but not stupid. Now dig into yourself and tell me what you are doing here.”

“Tomorrow I begin my endasim training. I became en-oriok today and I stayed up on the mountain to avoid my family during my transition. But that is not why I am talking to you, that is what brought me here. I am here because I have a question for you.”
“That is better young one. You may ask it.”
“Ursine, my body is ready for a man, but in my heart,  I hate the men and boys whom I know. Why is that?”

“One need not feel any particular feeling to satisfy your goals. You hate the men you know because of what you received at their hands. You have learned this. You may unlearn it and choose the feelings that will move you to satisfy yourself.”

“Mustn’t I feel love to actualize my body’s need for sex?”

“No, you mustn’t. Your body may use sexual contact for many different reasons, and you might choose among many different emotions to actualize the behaviour.  Your feelings daughter are not things in themselves, they are only what you call whatever energy is moving in your body, moving you so to speak. You choose how you want to move. You choose the energy you need to accomplish that move. With sex, it might be love, it might be anger, it might be respect, it might be anything that helps you meet your goal in choosing sex. Your brother has used anger to move him in violent ways towards you. This was his way of using you sexually. Love, and genital contact were not allowed him. Watch for him, one day he will want to possess you with his genitals, and it won’t be love that he chooses to fuel his body. Knowing that you have choice in what feelings what energy you bring to the contact will allow you to defeat him.”

“I am a woman now, and I can choose how I want to feel and how I want to be touched. That is your answer. Thank you Ursine.”
“You are welcome daughter. Now the morning light touching the sky, you must go and begin your training. Go with strength, learn well, get strong. You have it in you to be great.”

And with that Nsonowa left the cave, picked her way down the cliff and returned to her family. She did not cringe as she passed by the men’s hut, nor did she stoop nor avert her eyes, when she faced her mother. “I am a woman mother and I am ready to join my grandmother.

                                                                                 ###

Tulpamancy Journal. 67

June 2, 2019

Really flat today. However, did have a visitation just before bed by Nsonowa. Quick, just caught a glimpse of her and she did say hello. Truly I am closest to both of them these days, when I write them. In fact, it is hard to work on my story editing cause when I get close to my computer, I want to write them. I have also been practicing visualization as I once did decades ago and I discovered that my mindscape has been missing an essential element, a city. So I have added one; Paris, the city of lights. And it is located on a part of the planet that is in perpetual twilight. It’s lights are already on, and show well against the violets and purples of the long setting sun. This insight came about when entering a dream, I clearly heard Flora loudly say the word “say” and then I was in a city watching the flow of traffic. Of course I don’t know exactly what this meant, but I choose to interpret it as a call to look for my tulpas in the city, which should be in my mindscape, not lost  in scattered dream images.