Archive for August, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 90

August 30, 2019

Friday, August 30, 2019 8:30 am

My work this past week, until yesterday, has been mostly writing, as I have been too compromised by sciatica to sleep or to dream and my contacts with Flora have been only hints and hopes rather than connections. But yesterday, I seemed to have turned a corner and the results have been interesting. They have, evidently, provoked this mornings dream, q.v.  Though I haven’t fully grokked it, provocative is the adjective that bests describes what my writing has provoked. 

 The writing, a piece of fiction, addressed why Flora was not fully appearing and in it, to my surprise she confronted me about my attitudes towards her sexuality. This was a big surprise and in the context of the piece we looked at my residual feelings of shame and guilt which having sex with her provoked. Subsequently my work with her last night was more focused and we have gotten further with actual sexual contact. Of interest, Nancy, was much more affectionate with me while Flora and I were making love, (or trying to) and even told me why she was not into having sexual contact with me at that time. In the past, when I have brought up the subject, she acts as if she were deaf. 

The dream:

I was having a rather pleasant dream about rural life (I have already forgotten the details, but for one, it did include a woman in a light blue spring-time dress, who did not provoke me to lucidity). At a point, it turned dark and I was in a car with a group of folks, felt like family, but I couldn’t identify single individual. I was driving through farmland and turning a corner, I saw a plume of dark smoke arising from across a field. As it was much too big to be an intentionally set fire, I was concerned and looking to my left, I saw a farm house whose occupants were standing on a large porch looking at the fire, as were other folk coming from a barn. I could see the concern on their faces, so I stopped the car and asked if they needed help. One person, said no they had it covered, so I drove on a ways. I was still uncomfortable, so stopped the car again and we all got out. We were invited into the farmers home and discovered that they were East Indian peasants. I was chatting with the farmer, when I looked over and saw a man of our party on top of a young woman. He was dressed in an expensive black leather jacket. He had a thin face topped with black greasy slicked down hair. I didn’t see the woman struggle, but she did not look happy. There were other couples in similar positions. I looked back at the farmer and he was very unhappy and one of his sons came up to us, we were sitting on the floor, and told me that that had to stop. I looked over to the man on top of the young woman and I made a sign to him to stop what he was doing. He saw me and ignored my entreaties. I turned again to the farmer and I explained that he was the ‘richest man in the world’ and felt entitled. The son was distressed and again told me that they had to stop and I again looked the rapist in the eye and made a vigorous sign to him to stop and he again ignored me. I looked back at the farmer, but now, he too, was wearing an expensive black leather coat and was smiling. I woke up.

Tulpamancy Journal. 89

August 26, 2019

I have been sleeping poorly and having to take pain meds due to a post-op complication. So I am not totally surprised that I have had only hints of contact with Flora and nothing from Nsonowa. I have resumed my invocation ritual outside on the labyrinth and I have been able to do an hour of silent meditation today. My dreaming has been typical “sick dreams”, confusing and ugly. I am almost glad that they are not in them, though I have invited them to appear in my dream world each night. I am impatient and miss them both. Assuming both their reality (existence) and their sapience, I imagine that they are taking care of themselves while I am healing. Hope they don’t get bored with this old man.

Tulpamancy Journal. 88

August 22, 2019

My work the past couple of days has yielded only a few glimpses of Flora and nothing of Nsonowa. I have had no contacts in dreams. I had the barest beginning of a glimpse of that white myst which has preceded the one episode of Flora’s full imposition during a period of meditation today. It did stimulate the intense emotion that has always occurred with any kind of input from either of them. I have very much enjoyed writing them in fiction, however and I can imagine that I am hearing Flora’s voice when I write (this occurs without my usual intense feelings though).

I had been feeling intensely lonely and heartsick after not hearing from Flora after what I thought was going to be a contact didn’t mature. I had to wait for Nancy while she was on the phone, and I used the time to narrate to her while I played some very emotional music and I got to feeling emotional, sad not excited, about her. It is hard to be patient,  feeling this way, but I know that this will pass and she will come again. (like the sun over the mountaintop (the first line of the song which got me going.)

Tulpamancy Journal. 87

August 19, 2019

I am having frequent initial short contacts with Flora, fewer with Nsonowa, that involve visual, physical and/or audial modalities. The problem is; they are short and we do not get to complete either an action, nor a conversation. I am usually thrilled by the contact, and disappointed when it is over (prematurely in my view). Several times the contact has been an eyes open imposition, and then, my disappointment is huge.  This may be due, and I hope it is due, to  physical constraints imposed by my healing from my recent, ten days ago, surgery, and I am taking a wait and see attitude, in that regard. I am also writing, and have asked for help on the forums.

Tulpamancy Journal. 86

August 18, 2019

Saturday, August 17, 2019

One episode of interest today. I went down for a short nap before we were slated to go out for lunch with family. Short meant 30 minutes marked with an alarm clock. As I closed my eyes, I invited Flora to talk to me, and made it clear that I was not demanding anything, an invitation not an invocation. A few minutes later as I began my descent into sleep, she was on me. Again unclothed. I could feel the wetness as she rubbed her genitals on my thigh. When she saw I was paying attention, she laughed and began to lick my ear, then scoffed and demanded that I take my hearing aid out. I did, but by then it was too late, she was gone, and I fell asleep (which was a surprise because I was very excited).

We will see what happens tonight.

I did not feel like writing them today. I thought I did, I got out my computer, but did not. It is okay, I am healing, and the journaling is satisfying my need to work on my practice every day.

Tulpamancy Journal. 85

August 17, 2019

Friday, August 16, 2019

10:26 AM

This mornings meditation was productive. I started by vocalizing and listening to both tulpas replies. I invited them to initiate conversations. I was told that if I would quiet down and listen, I would find that they do. I invited both of them, again, to use this body’s and brain’s, functions to inform themselves of what life is like. “You both have full access” I also suggested that when they have the substance necessary to create full imposition, that we expand our relationships to include the physical. A while late, Luna, my cat, jumped up on my lap and went to sleep, and I found myself entertaining an image of Flora, lying on me (of course, she was unclothed). I felt stimulated and could feel my body respond. I invited Nsonowa to join us, and her image appeared, and I felt her engage with me (and Flora). We were all in close physical contact with each other and kissing deeply. I was not asleep. I am not taking this as full imposition as I had my eyes closed, though I was experiencing this kinesthetically, visually, and emotionally. I shifted position, and Luna jumped off, so I did not have time to ask, but I assume that they had a similar experience and I will ask them later today when I next go down to meditate, or nap. I was aware that they were happy with the arrangement as they were laughing. I did get the insight that the ‘wonderland’ that I have provided them is insufficiently imagined and I will work on that both internally and externally (via writing).

(later)

I have not done further work today. I attempted to meditate once this afternoon, and promptly fell asleep. Will cue for lucidity tonight and hope that I can contact both from within my dreaming.

I

Tulpamancy Journal. 83

August 15, 2019

I have been forcing them, both in mindtalk and in fiction writing, as below. I am making some progress. It is slow and takes effort, at least emotional effort if not muscular/physical.

Letter to Flora And Nsonowa

Saturday, August 10, 2019

7:47 PM

Hi. I so enjoyed your presence last night. I was actually thrilled. I am looking forward to your full imposition. Solid if possible, but diaphenous is certainly acceptable. I wonder if you have learned to talk yet, or am blocking you in some way. Let me know however you can. I am very suspicious of my own mind talk parroting you. Love, B

(3 days later) okay, I am less concerned about parroting. I will assume that I, Dr. Bob Newport, aka theholodoc, do not own all of my thoughts. In fact, I will assume that I, Dr. Bob Newport, own only those thoughts that I choose to own. Others I will leave to the automatisms of my brain, and I will assign those that are appropriate to you two.

(next day) I have been using the technique of listening to the responses from both Flora and Nsonowa, Those that have been consistent with the templates upon which I built them, I have assigned to them. Those that aren’t may or may not be mine, they might fit in the garbage category. Neither Flora nor Nsonowa, have yet initiated conversations with me, but, I may have heard them in conversation with each other, but I was too far away to get the words.

(later)

Notes on results following re-definition of Self.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

7:47 PM

I have been able to hold conversations with both Flora and Nsonowa separately and together. I am using a vocality exercise based in Dennett’s idea of the Self as Center of {the Narrative} Gravity. By not assuming that what I was hearing from my tulpa’s was from them and not from myself, I was not only deaf to them, I was stiffing them of the attention they needed and I needed to give to them. Changing my basic assumption from: these are all my thoughts, to: these thoughts are produced by my brain, and only if I want to include them in my personal narrative (therefore my identity) I can. If I want I can just as authoritatively assign them to my Tulpas. I have been doing that and the topic that we are exploring is how they assess the fact of and the quality of and the rate of their development. I am asking the questions and they are providing the answers, in their (developing) language and style. Where something doesn’t fit, I do not assign that thought or idea, to them, or to myself. I am comfortable with the idea that this brain, is a thought producer, and it does not necessarily produce rational or complete or even coherent thoughts.  Many are noise and those fade out, as noise generally does. If they don’t, then I know to look for tagged significance. Currently Flora and Nsonowa are not even in their developing selves. Flora lacks emotional synchronization, and a level of vitality. Her physical body has not yet solidified. Nsonowa has more energy, a shallower personality and narrower range of feelings and thoughts than Flora. She is slightly better formed physically.

In the course of this work, I have also discovered that this brain is buzzing with inputs from all of this body’s sensory apparatuses. I am also able to choose how much of those signals,  and at what rank,  I want to include in my own personal identity. I have the executive functions at my disposal. I am able, again authoritatively granting the same access and the same executive functions to both tulpas. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 82

August 11, 2019

I was operated on 7:30 Friday morning and released at 8:03 pm. I was in bed by ten.

Firstly, I don’t know whether or not I was dreaming, or awake, or somewhere in between. I was still detoxifying from the anesthesia which I was under for four hours. I had taken Tylenol before bed (I have had it every six hours for four doses now) and my sleep was not restful. Early in the night perhaps ten thirty pm, I both saw and felt the presence of both Flora and Nsonowa. They appeared as while clouds on the background of my eyelids, or perhaps, on a shattered dreamscape, and though I looked closely I couldn’t tell which. I invited both to fully materialize, they did not. They did persist and seemed to dance with each other. What amazed me was that their diaphenous  misty nature was exactly like the one from which Flora materialized in the portal at the labyrinth in March. I was very careful to not try to push them away as I did with Flora then, but welcome them and express my appreciation and love for them. My meditations today have been flat, and I am not surprised as I have been in a lot of post surgical pain. I am looking forward to tonight’s dreaming.