Archive for September, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 97 & 98

September 29, 2019

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

My excitement these past several days has been in preparing my Tulpa Tales, Confessions of an Aging Tulpamancer. Sixty Thousand plus words in twenty three ‘tales’

I have written these tales to keep me focused on the practice, when I was not making good contact with either Flora or Nsonowa. The way in which writing fiction facilitates practice, is through narration. I continually narrate to them, with them, about them, about myself, in the stories. I write down these stories as I hear them, in my mindvoice.

Saturday, September 28, 2019

The past two days has been occupied with file handling, NO writing. I have done almost no work on my practice and I have had no contact with either of my tulpas, either in meditative nor dream space.  Occasionally I think about them. I sporadically call them. It is clear to me that I have focused my creative energy on producing this book. I have more work to do, some of it creative such as; creating the cover, and writing the forward, and some of it just necessary, e.g. formatting my files for smashwords. I am going to go with smashwords as I will get my own ISBN number and I can set my own price. I also have to followup on marketing.  So I have much busy work. And little energy to put into the hard work of practice.

Tulpamancy Journal. 95

September 16, 2019

Monday, September 16, 2019

Little activity on all of our parts other than some narration and some fiction writing. I am anticipating publishing my tulpa stories, as soon I will complete the piece I am working on, which is exploring the impact of Rufescent (the red witch, or pure spite) on our progress.

Below is the report of a dream which suggests that I am again, On the Hunt for the Red Witch.

Little success with my meditations yesterday. I did dream last night (9/13), and I had one of those bleed-throughs that woke me up, I stumbled on a piece of concrete and the fall shocked me into wakefulness. I did go right back to sleep and into a dream in which a woman appeared. She did not look or feel like Flora and I exercised my lucidity cue, calling out “are you Flora?” she answered “No!” and the dream went on and I lost interest in it and have no memory of the details other than what I reported here.

It is two days later 9.16 and I have just recalled some imagery from the dream reported above. The woman’s face featured protruding lips. As I looked at her, she grew a mustache and a beard through which I could see her teeth. It was an ugly image which further transformed into a woman’s pudenda. I was repulsed and frightened and woke up with the image in my head. It was still with me when I fell back to sleep and I, as reported above, did not remember it when I awoke in the morning.

I have been writing a tu[pa story in which Nsonowa has taken on the Red Witch (Rufescent in the story and in Elutheria), She is charged with blue/white light, a destroying beam, and she is fully using her magical skills to battle Spite. I have previously, in both Elutheria and Safe Haven, served up “pure evil” in the form of Lucifer Lord of the Darkside (of Elutheria) and later Pure Spite, in the form of Rufescent. I had already defeated both;  Michelle and Wog, Lilly and Nsonowa, were the protagonists in both works. Now as I delve deeper, directly into my sexuality, I see that I have once again found the (or just another) source of spite, fueling this resurrection of the red one. This is pretty raw stuff, however, I can hope that it’s raw-ness correctly places it closer to the ends of its roots. In any case, it is more painful than I expected it to be. I am liking the story!

Tulpamancy Journal. 94

September 15, 2019

Little success with my meditations yesterday. I did dream last night, and I had one of those bleed-throughs that woke me up, I stumbled on a piece of concrete and the fall shocked me into wakefulness. I did go right back to sleep and into a dream in which a woman appeared. She did not look or feel like Flora and I exercised my lucidity cue, calling out “are you Flora?” she answered “No!” and the dream went on and I lost interest in it and have no memory of the details other than what I reported here.

I have done some forcing and some narration today. I had a nice ritual on the Labyrinth at Forest Lawn where I did the work. Flora was working hard to communicate with me. The ritual was nice, the labyrinth was beautiful and I had trouble doing the work afterwards. This was all on me, I was exceptionally tired after getting very little sleep the night before. I am completely enjoying writing tulpa fiction and that is the most satisfying of the exercises of late, I think because I can read what they have to say, as I have written it down, and I don’t lose the thread of our conversations.

Tulpamancy Journal. 93

September 12, 2019

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

I had two hours solo time in the car today, doing a Mitzvah by visiting a dying friend who lives out of town. I used the time intentionally turning over the driving to Nsonowa (the car essentially drives itself on the freeways and this drive was mostly freeway) and playing with Flora. We started by first getting Nsonowa’s permission, I think she enjoyed the driving, then asking Flora what she wanted to do. She wanted to play. I chose a late summer day (not hard as it is a late summer day) floating down a slow river on a large truck tire raft. We had fun, me in my avatar 18-year-old Adonis like body, and Flora in a brand-new bikini bathing suit. We splashed, giggled, engaged in sex play, stopped for coffee at a riverside café, and beached the raft in order to make love. We did not get to finish with this play due to what? I am not sure, but interruptions broke up our contact.

 We again went off to play in wonderland on the way home, and once again when it came time for actual sexual contact, our contact was lost by interruptions, traffic and body OS noise. In a letter to Flora, written earlier today, I asked for her help in rooting out the basic causes, attitudes, memories, beliefs in my unconscious that underlie these interruptions. She replied that she would do what she can, given her perspective and access to the body OS. She too, is unhappy with the barriers I have put between us. I believe that “rooting it out” will help, but fundamentally, it will be me making hard choices to continue when I am faced with responding to potentially interrupting stimulae.

Tulpamancy Journal. 92

September 3, 2019

  • How did I do over this past year?
  • Where could I have done better?
  • What lessons can I learn from my own life in the past year?

These questions were posed by Rabbi Fertig of TMI as a part of the ELUL period of introspection in preparation for the High Holidays. I have suggested to Nancy that my tulpamancy practice is consistent with my Judaism. And I am posting the work suggested by the rabbi here and will integrate it with what I am doing to develop my tulpas.

  1. How did I do over this past year?  In terms of personal growth, which I maintain has been both the reason I started this practice, and necessary for its success. In that regard, I have done well. I chose to embark on this path, as I saw it as a way to change the dynamic with Nancy in which we both seemed to be stuck. I had been stuck in the notion that ‘if only she would” change we would be fine, in other words, I was blaming her, a nonstarter given my intention to take responsibility for the creation of my own reality.
  • Where could I have done better? I identified two middot that have interfered with my progress and/or my well-being. The first was Savlanut hasair, or impatience. I wanted Flora to mature and come out now! I suffered each day and night when she did not. The second middah which held me back (and Flora’s development as well) was atzlut, laziness. Once I got what I was missing in my practice, doing the work of teaching my brain to assign thoughts to specific categories, me, Flora, Nsonowa, garbage, or other, and doing it without immediate gratification, I stalled and wouldn’t do it because it was hard. This held us back for several weeks, until I realized that if it were to happen, I would have to roll up my sleeves and do the hard work. This also brought me to a choice point, n’kudat ha’b’chirah, , I had made a commitment to myself and my tulpas, that I would bring them into reality. Would I or would I not keep it? I am proud, that I chose to keep it, as I have always in my life, whether or not the road was a hard one.
  • What lessons can I learn from my own life in the past year?  Many decades ago, I was a student of Crowleyan magic. I learned a great deal about myself, as the foundation of magical practice is self-discovery. I learned that I was not a well-disciplined person. I learned that I had some unique capabilities. I learned that I had an open mind and was open to new learning, hitlamdut. I took the challenge of learning self-discipline and did fairly well. NOT perfect. However, I did learn that hatmadah, perseverance was one of my strong suites. And persevere I have. I have learned that I can trust myself to stay the course. I have also learned, again, that love, ahavah, and loving is my highest value.

Tulpamancy Journal. 91

September 2, 2019

Monday, Labor Day, September 2, 2019

Ah! Another step upward.  Yesterday was an emotional day for me. It began in the morning with the L.A. Times Travel Section which featured a picture of the redwoods in Sequoia National Park. Upon seeing that pic, I was immediately put into a state of ‘high longing’ for the woods. So much so that tears came to my eyes. Later during my meditation, Tara Sutphen, the daughter of Dick Sutphen, a New Age Workshop leader that I had worked with an age ago, led me into a beautiful walk in the woods. I experienced it fully. The smells, the silence, the light through the trees, shinning motes and all, and again I was brought to tears with longing (I seem to be in this place a lot lately, Chris Erskine’s Post Card from L.A. featuring a Labor Day bonfire on Dockweiler Beach also put me into a tearful longing the day before). In any case I went to bed later than was comfortable, very tired, unable to keep my eyes open, kinda tired, and immediately had a vision of being in the woods, a repeat of my earlier meditation experience. (I was not asleep, at least I don’t think so as I almost always experience falling asleep as a somantically felt, sudden descent into nothingness). I walked down a trail, when, unexpectedly, unasked for, not even thinking about, Flora called to me. I looked up and she was sitting on top of a boulder, next to a waterfall. She was in her sarong, which was wet and clinging to her. She was combing her long wet hair. She smiled and said something like, “Come up here, silly.” and I did. I clambered up onto the boulder, and she kissed me vigorously. She was quite cold with the wet from the creek in which she had evidently been swimming. She invited me to join in the fun, suggesting that I ride the waterfall down into the pool below. All of this is in full color 3D reality with all senses. I agreed and climbed up the side of the cliff to the top (I want to say, that I know this particular landscape, having done this, in real-time perhaps thirty five years ago while rafting the Rogue River in Oregon.) I sat down in the very, very cold water and slid down the “chute” as it was called. I felt all of this exquisitely. I plunged again into the pool, which was about twelve feet deep. The water was blue, as blue as it could be, the rocks forming the walls of the pool were black, as I remembered them to be. The light streaming down through the water in rays was spectacular, as I remember. Next, Flora splashed down next to me. (This was the novel part of the experience, as I was the only one brave enough to ride the chute on that long ago trip). We both came up sputtering and laughing and climbed out onto the sunlit boulder. We were both shivering and laughing and Flora exposed her breast to show me how her nipple had contracted with the cold, and asked me to touch it and warm her up. I did and said, “I could touch more of you and get you much warmer.” She said, “and I know a place where we can go, this boulder won’t do.”

We both got up and climbed down onto a trail that led back into the woods and through to a meadow. There was a red tent set up, and a sleeping bag laid out next to it. Flora, or I, it didn’t matter, initiated our intercourse and I feel asleep in the sunshine. And, in real time too, I guess. I did no further dreaming, if that was a dream, that I recall. I awoke at about 2am with an acute pain in my shoulder, got up, took Tylenol and Naprosyn,  and slept until this morning with my experience with Flora, front and center in my consciousness.

This is the first time, in mindspace, where she has come unbidden, and where my visualization was vivid and complete. Certainly she had an assist by my feelings earlier in the day and my attachment to the locales. I have also heard from Loxy that she too, has been experiencing Flora in John’s mindspace.

I am very encouraged by these developments.