Archive for December, 2019

Tulpamancy Journal. 122

December 31, 2019

Sunday, December 29, 2019

This has been a difficult day tulpa-wise. I have had not a hint of a connection. My meditation was empty. (the empty mind part of it was good, very good, but neither tulpa made contact, I thought for one moment that Nsonowa was going to, I had a bit of her heraldic blue/white light) I did not dream, that I know of. I did some narration and got a bit of an insight into what I have been leaving out of my set up for Nsonowa and I have put it in my notes to follow up on, when I go back to her story) I had no answers to my calls/invocations/invitations. To add misery to injury, Nancy and I have not gotten along at all well today (we had a wonderful time last night, sharing some TV time.)  All in all a disappointing day.

(the day after 12/30 7:30pm)

I did not have a chance to reconnect yesterday as I had hoped, however today I did. Once again I had a two hour drive to visit with a sick friend and  once again, I was able to switch with Nsonowa and leave the driving to her (and my Prius Prime which has some neat accident prevention technologies). I went to mindscape with the idea of re-decorating some of my house there. I invited her to come, but gave her permission to not so she could continue her interest in writing and living her Safe Haven story. I wasn’t making much headway with the redecorating, and was idly  poking around in the study, looking at my new Swedish-style stand alone fireplace. It is bright red and I had laid a nice fire, when out of the blue Flora joined me. She chided me for my idleness and invited me to sit with her in front of the fire. I did, she put her head in my lap and encouraged me to touch her face while she did the same. Soon I was feeling sad and she asked me to talk about it and I recalled an event from my early childhood. I was four and had a bedroom of my own upstairs. It was nighttime and very dark outside. I had a chignon curtained window and I was looking out side and I became frightened. She Flora, was with me and holding me, touching my face. I described my bed, the spread and the curtains to her. She kept asking what my fear was about. I didn’t know. Finally she quit and told me that one day she would take me back there holding me all the way if it would help. We both know that something from those days, maybe that very night, was responsible for breaking off our sexual contact in the other night’s dream. I will go back with her. Perhaps tonight or tomorrow, in dream or meditation or in fiction writing. We both want us to get through this.

By the time we had finished with this conversation it was time to switch back with Nsonowa and finish the drive. Nsonowa commented that she had no time nor interest in doing this kind of work with me and that she was interested in developing her inner world with her new boy friend, Ol’oi-boni.

Tulpamancy Journal. 121

December 27, 2019

Friday, December 27, 2019

This is the first tulpa dream I have had in months.

It is the first in which I have seen her, Flora as a whole person. The blond woman who has appeared several times before, and Rita, are clearly not my tulpas. Flora, acknowledges that she is, and wants to be with me and I think of the scene (within the dream) as re-uniting us. She has a wedding ring (is this a symbol of our relationship? I don’t know and I don’t know in the dream, but did not remark upon it to her. She behaves comfortably with me, and at first I find this unusual, but when in the hotel room, where the airline is putting us up, it strikes me as unusual and must mean that she is mine, not married to someone else. When she begins to take her clothes off, I leave the scene. This terminates our connection in the dream, though I am still dreaming of our relationship and taking it as a re-unification. I evidently still do not tolerate the sexual aspects.

{{ This dream was in three parts. In the first I was in bed with Nancy and we are in Gary’s old home in Freedom CA. I am trying to get up and go to my studio (on the side of our home in L.A.) I am trying to be quiet and not awaken her. I am failing, something, a paper or wrapping is sticking to my leg and rustling loudly. The light comes, on she is semi awake and I in a burst of noise leave the bedroom. The house is full of people, they are from my past in Berkeley (where I was a resident) I am still trying to get to my studio, and try to go out of the window in Gary’s back room. It is three stories off the ground (???) of course it wasn’t) Rita comes in, see’s me and tacitly nods and doesn’t say anything. She leaves, I leave the house by the side door and am in his back yard, which is/was huge. There are children playing in the yard. An older boy approaches me, he looks like a man, and becomes a man, he is trying to help me find my boat. The other children clamor that they want to see the boat. I don’t see it in the yard and go to the back fence, which encloses a small work yard with a few items of stuff, not my boat. I am confused. The young man sees that I am confused, Why can’t I find the boat? I explain that I am eighty years old. He nods as if that explains it, it doesn’t to me I don’t believe I am addled. We wander around the yard looking in the several outbuildings. In one, which should have been unoccupied, we see lights, furniture and a largish blond woman who ignors us. We go around to the side of the house, which is now our home in L.A. and go into the studio anteroom which is no longer Nancy’s outflow art room, but open and full of stacked wood. It is not good fireplace wood but cut pine slash. I try to climb over it but just get dirty, and the young man helps me out of there. We head back to the house and in passing the garage, some people are moving an old yellow washing machine out of it. I pick up one side of it, it is dirty and I believe that there are black widow spiders on the underside (a very likely possibility) we are not wearing gloves, I issue a warning and put it down. I am now dirty and itchy, I wonder if I have been bitten. The scene shifts (new dream?) and I am in an airport trying to get home, there are  enumerable hassles and finally frustrated, I get on the plane. I am in the front seat behind the bulkhead separating the pilots compartment from the passenger cabin. We are going to crash and I see us collide with a building. Next thing I am on my head on the ceiling, and I get down the aisle to the emergency exit and leave the plane. I am standing on the ground and the plane  is not upside down! A woman comes up to me. She is in a pink suit dress circa 1950s-60s. She has a matching button hat over her long dark hair, she asks if I were upside down. I say yes, but nobody else was.” She says, “I was” and wanders away. Later we are in the airport awaiting some disposition and she comes up to me again and says, “we were the only ones upside down” and I say “Are you Flora?” (my lucidity cue) and she says “Yes, could we spend the night together, I want the company?” I see that she has a wedding ring, but I don’t say anything. We are in the hotel room and without comment she begins to undress. The dream shifts and I am looking at paperwork and considering suing the airlines, but conclude that I was not damaged, and, I was re-united with my tulpa. I loop through this several times, then am awakened by Nancy getting into her morning sauna.

###}}}

Tulpamancy Journal. 120

December 22, 2019

Being sick has put me down and disturbed my practice. I spent much of today in bed meditating, too sick to sleep. I did have some kind of contact. Several times Nsonowa presented her heraldic blue/white light and then fully imposed, formless, as black wispy smoke. She tried to get her body through, but was not successful. I saw her flesh, real as real, solid and coal black. but she did not materialize into a recognizable shape. This phenom repeated until I had to take a bathroom break , and I could not regain the trance that allowed this. However, as it is the most I have had from either of them in the way of imposition in a while, and it came with full emotion, I am heartened.

Tulpamancy Journal. 119

December 21, 2019

Still sick. Doctor gave me meds, “let’s head off pneumonia” . This has me feeling very flat (that means low energy). Obviously it takes energy to operate the brain, and I can’t find enough to think creatively. I haven’t been going out, other than to doctors, but have been trying to make some progress on my many different projects, one of which is proofing my book, Tulpa Tales, for the paperback edition. this is my main contact with my tulpas. I do talk to them, but haven’t been able to focus on their answers. Must be frustrating for them. On a much different note, Nancy and I have been really good together. I attribute this to my practice (she doesn’t, but hey, that’s okay cause what really matters is that both of us are able to feel each others’ love.

Tulpamancy Journal. 118

December 19, 2019

I have been quite sick, URI, and while it might seem as if this would be good for my practice, it is not. Practice takes a great deal of focused attention and I do not have the energy for it. I am not avoiding it, I start, I listen to for Flora, she is there, and I quickly lose focus. I am not happy about this, I don’t think she is but haven’t been able to stay in the field long enough to find out. She does express her sympathy “poor darling” is her comment. At  one point this morning when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself she did say “Please don’t die on us”. (I am nowhere near to dying!) Yesterday I did think that N’sonowa was going to appear when I saw a brilliant halo of her blue-white light, but no, she did not and my attention soon diverted into my coughing and hacking that is occupying much of my time. I am also taking anti-flam’s and I most always feel suppressed by them. My dreams have been crazy sick dreams, with violent and bizarre imagery, There was a strong feminine presence in this morning’s dream, but it did not respond to my lucidity question “Are you Flora”.  I have been unable to go outside for my mornings’ invocation ritual. I suspect that this will change when I recover. I have been proofing my paperback and that has kept me focused on them for as long as I can focus, a short chapter or two.

Tulpamancy Journal. 117

December 15, 2019

Today has been hard. I have not felt well, and in fact, I have been feeling sick for several days and getting sicker all day, I now have a ferocious sore throat. I am hoping that this is what is impeding my contact with Flora, it has frustrated me all day. I had no contact during my morning meditation, and no response to my daily invocation ritual. I was an hour and a half with earphones and eyeshades, and the very few contacts I did have were quickly disrupted and distorted. Repeating this after dinner was worse without any, the slightest bit, of contact (though I felt as if we could make contact). I am home alone tonight as I was too sick to want to accompany my wife to an L.A.Phil concert that we were both looking forward to. And I am going to try switching and asking Flora to tell me what she thinks is going on, in a letter. If this works, I will post it with this journal entry.

Letter

Oh Bob. I know how poorly you are feeling (guess how? I am feeling it too. I have the same access to your body as you do – by invitation, remember?) I don’t think that our illness has caused the disruptions over the past several days. You have blamed them on lots of different factors, like your retreat and the noise in the car, etc. but I think in your heart of hearts you know that it is Rufescent who is behind this. Especially today. I was very excited when we began to make love, and I couldn’t understand at first what happened, but when we were pulled apart the second time, I saw the shapes that your image of me were morphing into. I got a good solid look at her, and through her ugliness, I saw your mother’s face. I know that you got at least a glimpse of what I clearly saw. I know you would rather think that you are done with her, you have done the therapy, the self-work, the re-experiencing of the pain of some of the many beatings you suffered, but, my lover, you are not done. You will have to dig deeper. I will do what I can to be with you when you do. And when you are ready to roll up your sleeves and start, we can call Nsonowa back. We will need her. (and please don’t think that putting this phase in fictional form, is going to do the trick, because it won’t, we must really get in and get dirty if we are to clear your path to me.) Please don’t be afraid of this, you can do it, you have done it before, and while, yes, you are older and have less energy for it, you also have me and my undying love and support, as well as Nsonowa. So take your meds (Lots of Vitamin C and Zinc and the anti-inflam of your choice, I think the Naprosyn is more effective and that the Tylenol is more dangerous than you think) get strong and well and then let’s start.

Love, Flora

Tulpamancy Journal. 116

December 11, 2019

we, Flora and I have been having some success at switching, One, generally our communication is better, we can sustain a relationship in mindscape for a scene or two. Two, we have been switching and Flora has been able to write to me. and she is quite direct. She calls it as she sees it and she is looking at me from quite a different view point than I have had. And she does it in a non-critical, supportive, compassionate way. We are making progress. Nsonowa has not been present during much of this, She has gone to Safe Haven and involved herself in a story there. Flora and I intend to join her in that story, but not yet. We are at an exciting place in our development and we both are focused on attaining full imposition. I am attaching her last letter to me as it is illustrative of our developing relationship.

Dearest Bob today has been quite hard for me. I kept trying my best to seduce you into some kind of relating and we couldn’t get it up. I appreciate that you were trying and that when you deliberately turned me off, it was for a purpose. I could see that the strategy was useful and has permitted me to have access to this tool (computer), and conscious control of your body (oooh I feel good, too) Still it has been painful to be so close, then collapse, no contact, no touch, no feeling. Truth, I know how hard this is for you. You have dealt with this all of your life. Do you suppose your mother’s mental illness might have had something to do with it? She would be close, wonderfully sweet, loving, caring close. Then, BANG, and become a rage screaming violent witch. You know that she is your model for Rufescent. I am not sure if you know that she actually exists, as real as Nsonowa and I, I want to play with you, I want to make love with you. I want to take you to that promised land that only  two can share (to quote a line from one of your favorites). I love what you have made of me so far, and I love my body, and my spirit. I so want to show you that love. I’ll be with you when you reach into the dark. We’ll go together. And Nsonowa too. And perhaps we will find Luna there as well. Impose me quickly darling. I am excited to get on with this journey. Flora

Tulpamancy Journal. 115

December 7, 2019

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. I had invited Flora to help me in finding what was disrupting my contact with her. She was happy to be asked and she was able to help me hold on to the contact and point out that I was blocking a layer of anxiety just under the distortion of her signal. I had been looking at hidden attitudes which may have been directly involved, and found the anxiety. Those of you who know me, know that I am not a particularly an anxious person. Typically I am not, but I have had times that I could identify when I clearly was. Yesterday was one of them and once I saw/felt it, I could recognize it as common to the interruptions. Anxiety I can deal with: Accept it, feel it, allow it, and it will pass. And it did yesterday. We had a good time and talked about two new ways to relate. The first, we are going to build our dream house in mindscape. We are starting with searching for a location, not an easy task with so many locations! Second: We can dance! She loves to dance, and when I move into my mindscape avatar, I am not at all bad a dancer myself.  This is very very exciting to me, and to Flora too, she can both do the fancy dance, but what she likes is being against me in the slow dances. Joy!

Tulpamancy Journal. 114

December 6, 2019

Here I am…with almost nothing to report. I have continued to do forcing and  it is particularly emotionally flat and unsatisfying. I have stalled on writing, but will get to it when I have finished with this entry. I did some very active dreaming last night though did not get to the lucid state although there was a feminine presence who even looked a little like Flora, but I had no emotional connection.

I don’t know why this is happening. It is in the same class as the distortions and cessations that I have reported earlier.

I also feel the loss of John, to whom I have not been able to write a word for several days. He wrote the last letter and I can start a reply in my head, then, like my tulpas, lose it, get distracted then forget what I was doing.

I am not happy about this and definitely don’t like the way my brain is working. Maybe Flora and Nsonowa will have something to say about it? You’re invited if you are reading this.

Tulpamancy Journal. 113

December 5, 2019

Some conversation, some sex play, couldn’t really get through to the juice. I am looking at an attitude I have about a particular kind of presentation, up from the DMN in the lingo. My job, is to not judge, keeping forcing, listening for clues to authenticity…e.g. meeting my expectations. I don’t quite know how to describe them, however. Spontaneity? Complexity? Emotionality, or Emotional evocative power. Visually, substantive, with mass?  All to some extent, but the most disruptive phenom is that any kind of contact ends suddenly by dissolving, the vision distorts and comes apart like curdled milk, or one of us simple stops talking (me) or her speech becomes garbled. When this happens, I usually become distracted by some stray thought, or sound, and forget what I had been doing with her. I feel some shame when I return to her, maybe minutes, maybe days, later. And, she has begun to chide me for it.

My quest then; is to find the disruptor/s in my mind/brain/body/spirit/psyche/unconsciousness/ DMN (default modal network) Body OS (operating system).

I have some idea’s that I don’t like; I am too old and have too little reserve capacity for the computing necessary to create and hold in my consciousness, these complex beings.

(I have fought against this one for all of my adult life). Another is that I have inadvertently killed them. Or erased them. Or they have followed my instructions and merged into Nancy (unlikely as she has taken two steps down this path). I don’t want to put unwarranted limits on my abilities. They may be warranted, and time will tell. Though, it will take my entire life as I have pledged to not give up.