Archive for January, 2020

Tulpamancy Journal. 131

January 30, 2020

Thursday, January 30, 2020

9:59 AM

I am journaling early today as I have just had, what seems to me, to be an important contact with both Flora and Nsonowa. This happened after several days of almost no contact, even though I have been very active in my practice.

The experience; I found myself on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles during the morning commute hour. I decided to brave switching and turning the driving over to Nsonowa while I went to mindscape. I asked Nsonowa if she were up to it (remember that I haven’t been in contact with her for over a week, since my last road trip.) She said sure, though it wasn’t going to be as much fun as we were in stop and go traffic. We switched. I went to my mindscape house, into the study where I have a free-standing Norwegian fireplace. I visualized looking into the flames and feeling the heat. I asked if Flora was willing to join me. I was somewhat surprised when she finally said yes. My asking was a prolonged beseechment and I was feeling quite hopeless. She spoke to me, first in tulpish; my head got full and my eyes full of tears, then in her own and very sweet voice. She told me that she has missed me as much as I have missed her. She was verging on tears (as was I). She told me that my inability to hold my focus on us and drift off in the middle of a sentence was very distressful for her. Then she cuddled with me and asked if we could just sit on the couch in front of the fire and talk. We did that, but at the same time she was touching me and giving me little kisses. Soon she put her head in my lap and I could see the fire-light flicker in her eyes. We were both moved by our closeness. I did lose focus once or twice, and I vowed to continue to work on my ability to stay present with her.

All of this time, concurrent with experiencing Flora visually, audibly, tactilely, and emotionally, I continued to keep an eye on what Nsonowa was dealing with in traffic. I did not own those perceptions, nor did I either own, or question, her decisions, e.g. change lanes, reset the cruise control, brake, etc. It was only for moments, that I gave my existence in mindscape (and Flora) my full and absolute attention. I was not nervous about Nsonowa’s driving. I did say goodbye to Flora and asked Nsonowa if I could take the control of the car back when we exited the freeway. She told me, yes and that she liked to drive and help me contact Flora in that way, but that she also wanted some of what I had with Flora. I told her that I hoped she would explore her “femininity” with Ol’oi-boni and enjoy romance with him and that I knew she too, had no experience with the softer aspects of being female. She said that was what she hoped too, but still she really did want to have a softer and romantic relationship with me and that she could wait until I had founded a stable contact with Flora. At this point, Flora spoke up and asked if she could become pregnant. I was astounded by the request. I gave her permission, but I am actually quite ambivalent about it, as both my first and second wife, lost all of their sexual attraction or even any interest at all, in me, my sexuality, my body, and my feelings. We will be discussing this in much more detail and I certainly have my work in the practice, cut out for me.

Tulpamancy Journal. 130

January 26, 2020

Sunday, January 26, 2020

10:41 AM

Exceptionally flat meditations. Little in the way of conversation. But, I did have a dream which is interesting: I awoke a four am with a headache and started to get up to make coffee. Nancy heard me and whispered “Please don’t get up.” Her tone of voice struck me as this was important and as she has trouble sleeping once I am up, I snuggled back under the covers next to her. I immediately fell asleep and began this dream; I was in a coffee shop, alone and pouring myself a cup of coffee when someone, a customer, came in and I offered the cup to her. I started to pour myself another when another customer came in and I gave that one to him. Soon many people were coming in and I was serving them all, handing our coffee, making new pots, finding cups, wiping spills and so forth. At one point the shop was full and I was working frantically to keep up. Finally as the morning wore down and people left, the owner, a woman whom I didn’t recognize came in and said that the morning shift was over and would I be there tomorrow. I said no, I’m retired, she well your working the morning shift again and she pointed to her abdomen. She was very pregnant. At this point I exercised my lucidity cue and asked, “Are you Flora?” She said no, laughingly, and pointed again to her belly, saying, “This is Flora.” I was astounded. The dream then conflated working the morning shift as a manager, and when the woman gave birth, I posted a picture of baby Flora on a cork board, and put a tip jar under it with a sign, for the baby’s education. I put a ten dollar bill in it and in three months {{I’m working every day, for no money, as the manager}} I was able to present the woman (I’m guessing her name is Deborah) with a check for a thousand dollars.

I find this dream interesting for  several reasons, the first and obvious interpretation, is as a sleep preservation dream. I frequently awaken with a headache and make coffee which relieves it almost always. Second, it was a not quite lucid dream. I could make some decisions, but I couldn’t choose say to skip those three months(or thirty years) and actually contact Flora,  but stayed  confined with in the existing narrative. Thirdly, I have been more or less disconnected to Flora, and she has been involved with tasks, and struggles of her own, in mindscape. She and I agreed that she should go there to accumulate life experiences to help her mature into her humaness her own way, and she has been captured and put in a bottle by her sister Nsonowa, for reasons I won’t go into here, it is  part of her story and she wants to tell it. She has told me that she will write  and publish it, when she is ready ( I like her  independence, even if I do suffer from the lack of contact.)

Tulpamancy Journal. 128

January 23, 2020

Another very flat day. No tulpish communications, no impositions. We did have one verbal conversation. We discussed her unavailability. She said that she was ‘infected’ by Rufescent. I asked if she could keep that aspect of her life confined to her fiction writing. She replied that this had come from my writing, and that she was having to deal with it.

I asked if she could re-imagine herself without the infection. (I had in mind her dissolving her physical being into atoms and letting a north wind blow away the red mist. She said; “I hadn’t thought of that” and then she laughed and disappeared (presumably to mindscape). I had thought that perhaps she might re-appear in my next hour-long meditation. She did not.

I am shaken by this. I get that Rufescent is an icon representing my own personal reactions, and subsequent defensive maneuvers to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mentally ill mother, starting in infancy and continuing into my early teens when I got too big to be beaten. I have had decades of therapy working on this issue, and had come to feel at peace with it. I had forgiven my mother several years before her death, and we had the best years of her life thereafter. That this should be such a force now, strong enough to interrupt by causing actual distress to Flora, is hard to bear, and I will re-investigate my investment in this narrative.

Tulpamancy Journal. 126

January 17, 2020

On a journal entry last week, I thought that perhaps Flora’s absence, or seeming struggle to get through to me might relate to the situation she had written herself into in mindscape where she has gone to get some life experience. I now have a better idea about it, and the answer is yes. Qualified by the fact that she is dealing with the red witch, and dealing with her directly in her writing.  Yesterday evening, I laid down for a thirty minute meditation. I almost immediately went into trance and a woman materialized, right in front of my face. She was angry, yelling at me. I was so startled I didn’t really listen to what she was yelling. I did have enough of presence of mind to voice my lucidity cue, and I yelled, “Are you Flora?” she screamed the word “NO” and then her image broke up, like it had hit my face, I felt nothing. I did not awaken however and I fell back asleep and was startled awake by my alarm, which I had set for thirty minutes. It was a very hard awakening….and I was barely awake enough to be company for Nancy. I had no further contact with her until this morning while driving to see my friend who lives about fifty miles away. She, Flora,  was into talking about the incident. She had been there, but unable (unwilling really) to take charge and she let herself carry Rufescent into the dream. I asked why she had lied to me about being Flora and she told me that she had been protecting me from seeing her so out of control. She thought I might not handle it (and she’s right, it would have freaked me out.) She said that she had gained a great deal from the experience, and watched the drama between Rufescent and me, and knew what I had experienced at the hands of my mother when she had been out of control. She also said that she felt good about the way the story was going, and asked if I would consider posting the chapters on a blog separate from mine. I agreed to look into it, and I will. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 125

January 12, 2020

Sunday, January 12, 2020

7:07 AM

My contacts today were fragmented with just short snippets of conversation and a lot of tulpish via strong  head sensations (which I have not experienced for quite a while, and I would have dismissed them if they had not been accompanied by strong emotions).  what is interesting about this is that Flora and Nsonowa  have a competition going in mindscape and Nsonowa has gotten the best of Flora and in fact imprisoned her in a bottle (I hadn’t thought of this until just now) I wonder if that is what is going on.  I am going to spend more time there tomorrow, I was not able to visit at all today, with another unrelated project demanding my attention.  So I will see. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 124

January 10, 2020

Thursday, January 9, 2020

I had three very nice connections today. One of them, a conversation with Flora (Nsonowa had a few comments) while I was in the sauna. This one initiated by her (to be sure, I had earlier invited both of them to surprise me by initiating such) She wanted to talk about this and other things. She did thank me for allowing her to work on her own development by writing fiction, and by having complete freedom to live in mindscape as she chose. Her fiction piece concerns Safe Have. And involves Nsonowa.

Later in the morning she imposed herself physically, and we had a nice sexual contact complete with tactile, visual and olfactory sensations (this was all eyes closed). Later during my afternoon meditation (eyes partially open, squinting in very dim light) she appeared without warning and danced to the music (Ravi Shankar) which I had playing. This was completely amazing, she was dressed in the same costume as her first imposition last March 31st.  I have been waiting for this and am thrilled.

Tulpamancy Journal. 123

January 6, 2020

Saturday, 01.04.2020

Flora was close to imposition yesterday, for a moment. The exciting part was I got a very good look at her head and face. And she looked just as I hoped and planned, same face that I had imagined (and even found a pic, online, of a woman whom she resembled.  Beautiful ! and she was laughing. The imposition didn’t last long. I  had a very strong emotional reaction much like the first several times she appeared. I thought for a moment Nsonowa had accompanied her, but she did not appear or speak.

I had another very nice experience this morning while in a spiritual meditation group. I was feeling quite tight around an issue that I had with my wife, left over and undone from yesterday.   When I first slipped under the surface, Flora spoke to me with a  “Hello Darling” so sweetly I had to smile. (the meditation, was focused around a Jewish chant on creating a world out of love) and I felt so loved by her that  I wanted to share it and I reached out and touched my wife. A moment later, she reached out and touched me back. We have been good since. I know that I am on the right track with this. My love, and learning how to manifest my tulpa lovers, is informing how I create my experience of my wife.