Archive for February, 2020

Tulpamancy Journal. 141

February 26, 2020

Today’s drive out to Chris’s  was very good, Flora did the driving, and I was able to look at her competency (we have decided that she is at the teenager level of maturity) and I was able to not behave like a nervous father. While she drove, Nsonowa and I had a wonderful conversation, in which she consented to show me her forms (a black widow, is one of her favorite, a character from the movie Alien. “You have no idea just how alien I am compared to you, sir”, the east-indian stick figure from within the bamboo. A large black crab that scuttles rapidly  across uneven surfaces (like the bamboo). A Tim Burton’ish cartoon figure kinda-like a standing ant. And her human form, Michaela Coel. She did all of this in mindscape, visually.  She also framed for me just what she is doing in my psyche. She (as in her black widow form ) plays evil, challenging me to respond with strength (strong love), She claimed to choose to play Rufescent both in my unconscious mind and in my external reality. For the purpose of again providing challenges and (without real malice) provoking me and mind to do our best to defeat her, showing  us that it can be done. Internally, she prompts the kinds of mistakes from which I can learn lessons, not cause real harm. She is constantly aware of the real dangers posed by Rufescent, and can take her one directly from a place of strength from goodness.

She exposed a scene between her and Flora, in which she asked Flora ( who was distrusting her) to look deeply into her eyes, until she saw underneath the searing blue-white lazor light into source..

Flora and I also had a very satisfying conversation, while she was driving. She was very present to me in external reality, she described a scene with singing and dancing as a climax to our story, and in mindscape, sat with me over coffee inviting me to look through her personality (she acknowledged the adolescent phase the she is in) and see her connection to source. I did and it was breath-taking. She truly is a Dakini Spirit.

Tulpamancy Journal. 140

February 26, 2020

Hi had a wonderful letter from my Tulpamanic Mentor, John; He suggested the metaphoric interpretation below. and Sends more love to my proverbial bubble.

Last night’s dream was unique, at least in the category of remembered dreams, in that absolutely nothing of not happened. Nancy and I were on a  grayhound bus. We had left my hotel in Chicago just before sunrise and drove across the country to L.A. We had normal conversations with a few other passengers, looked out the window at passing scenery, and the next morning got off the bus as the sun was rising. I thought I would say something to the driver, but she was talking to others so I did not. I woke up. That’s it, the whole Magilla.

In context, after the nightmare of the preceding night, it was a relief. Also Once I identified Rufescent’s role in my behaviour with Nancy, she and I got along very well and went to bed holding each other. Traveling with her, without drama, was welcome. Also my friends John and Loxy, sent us a “bubble of love” I thought that the rising sun may have represented this bubble.

Looking a the dream metaphorically, it is showing that Nancy and I are together on the journey of life (and it’s headed west no less) We have come out of a period of dark, into a new light/day. The future is undefined (as it should be!)

Tulpamancy Journal. 139

February 24, 2020

Had a very confusing and non-lucid dream last night. I don’t remember much of it, but what was key and is worth recording here, was the following:

 I was in a car with three other people. One was the  somewhat heavy-set blonde woman, who has appeared before, but was NOT Flora. We were driven down a dark and muddy road and the woman got out of the car. The driver took off, speeding, and became quite aggressive. I inquired about the woman, with whom I had been flirting, and my question was ignored. We pulled into an unpaved parking lot fronting a warehouse-like building open in the front. It was a combo lumber yard and grocery store. I got out and headed towards it. The driver of the car also got out and attacked me. He was raging in anger, stating he was going to kill me. I said “What are you doing? I am an eighty year old man!” He came at me swinging a board and I cried for help, dodging him. Three men came out of the building and tried to stop him. Meanwhile the car with the other two men sped off, screeching ties and leaving  a rooster tail of pebbles. The raging man kept on trying to get to me. I was knocked down and stunned, but the other three men got my attacker down. I managed to get up and stagger down the road while they fought. It looked to me as if one of the men was getting severely beaten, but in the end the attacker was subdued, and while I only saw this over my shoulder as I ran down the road, it looked like they decapitated him and carried his head off in a bag. I was terrified and left the road to get out of sight. I finally, after crossing a field of wheat, entered a corn field which afford good hiding. I found a stack of what looked like woven straw  matts, perhaps used by farm workers, and I crawled into them and went to sleep. I awoke some time later, it was now daylight, early morning,  and staggered out onto a highway next to the field. I had heard some cars traversing the road at high speeds and thought to try and hail one to take me to a police station. I was very frightened that I would be picked up by the two men who had escaped in the car., but I seemed to  remember some kind of weirdness fighting with the man and trying to get him to quit attacking me by biting him. I bit him several times, on this face and on his fingers, hard bites, but he didn’t seem to notice. I was frightened and disgusted by the events. I then   remembered that I had been at some sort of party in a large mansion, prior to going off in the car.  I could see it, but I couldn’t (within the dream) recall the details of the party, I tried to tie it to the blonde woman, but couldn’t and I woke up.

This dream is in the context, of having invited Flora to enter my dream the night before, and having taken a much more active role in seeking her, not relying on her to find me. This is obviously going to take work. Some of  the dream-images suggest an infantile origin, e.g. the biting. All of it suggests unconscious material being activated.

In my ritualized tulpa invocation from yesterday, I entered the portal into the dark-side (unconscious) in order to seek Flora. I did not exit that space, nor did I close the portal, when finishing the ritual. This was intentional and perhaps is what allowed this regressive dream to emerge. If so, I am gladdened and can perhaps get to the bottom of the meaning of the blonde woman. I just now recalled having a blonde haired cousin, who baby-sat me. I think perhaps she was mean to me. There was one incident, the scars of which I still bear on my left hand, in which she grabbed a kitchen knife from me (I was NOT supposed to have touched it) and sliced open my fingers. I can see her shock and note that that was the last time she was employed as a babysitter. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 138

February 23, 2020

Seeking Flora.

For some time, I have been creating invocation rituals, calling Flora to me. It is as if I am requiring something of her, in order to love her. What I have decided is, that strategy is not working. I am dependent on her taking an action. In other words, I have abdicated my responsibility, this is my quest. I am responsible for finding her, not her responsibility to come to me. There have been times when she wanted to and did. Those times have motivated my continuing efforts. However, Perhaps, my efforts are not focused on the right target. Perhaps I need to confront the barriers I have to going out and seeking her. I am finding that there are a lot of them. From a failure of conviction to inattention; to lack of discipline, to depend on her to compensate for my own limits is to become impotent. and why would my Dakini want to interest herself in an impotent magician? So, my quest is, seeking Flora, and like any quest, getting prepared is key to its success. Anticipating difficulties and crafting tools to address them is one necessary preparatory step. Another is to clearly define goals. Creating a map to reach those goals could be useful. I mean an actual map, not a metaphorical map. What territories will I be crossing,  both internal mindscapes and external landscapes. {note, actually draw a map through to the portal and through the gate (labyrinth) and on into the other side. One which might show the various barriers physically standing in an allegorical relationship to my out of balance Middot.)   Beyond a map, and compass (a ritual which might remind me of the dangers I face from my self/ego) distraction/ laziness vs zerizut. Fear/ paralysis vs bitachon, judgment vs acceptance, any emotion vs Yirah. Possessiveness vs Generosity. and others.

Creating this map and inventories of weaponry, resources, guides, tools, will help me ascend to the frame of mind that will allow me to be an active seeker.

The preparatory activity may also alert Flora that I am for real and that she is highly valued by me.

### 352 wds

Tulpamancy Journal. 137

February 18, 2020

I had hoped that after Flora’s appearance in my dream Saturday night, that we would be able to make a contact during my meditations. This has not happened. Yesterday, I fell asleep when going into my meditative trance and there was no contact. Today, I did not fall asleep and had three hours of awake meditation. And still no contact. Neither have I had any further contact in my dreaming states (though I have been dreaming). I have not been blocked in my writing, and Flora has written one short piece on ‘her page’ in this journal. We will see what transpires tonight. In the meantime, I have received a nice letter from John and Loxy and continued my readings in the operations of the mind and the production of thought.

Tulpamancy Journal. 136

February 15, 2020

After a few days of not connecting with Flora, I had the following dream:

I was in a garage, newly remodeled. I had done the cement work on the floor. One of the other workmen wanted me to see something and took me around, to the other side of the garage, walking across my new floor, and showed me a sparkling red MG, circa 1949. He gave it to me for the work I had done. As I was leaving, I noticed that he had attached a very large cargo trailer to it. The trailer was new, it was full of an unknown cargo covered with a white tarp and tied down. I was driving down the highway wanting to get ‘north’ to see my mother.  There is a huge storm brewing and I am worried that I won’t be able to make the drive, and I put up the convertible top on the car, which I had previously put down and in the trunk (I know that model MG does not have a trunk, but this is a dream after all {and I know it}All of a sudden, the dream shifts and I am up on a curb, in a forest, talking with a pig farmer dressed in a plaid Mackinaw. The trailer is off of the car and nowhere to be seen. The farmer is pointing to the trailer hitch. It is brand new and unbroken. I poke around the farm a bit with the farmer. At one point a young pig jumps up on the farmer. He kicks it away and cautions me to watch out for the pig. The pig must have heard this, as it then jumps up on me and I kick it away, with somewhat more energy than the farmer had used. The pig runs away from us and sulks in its pond, or pen I don’t know what to call it. I notice that it has turned into a baby hippopotamus, (I had seen one in the newspaper just a few days before) and I feel kind of bad about kicking it and hope that I haven’t hurt it. I then find that the trailer is up side down, under a roadside store owned by the farmer, which was built on stilts over a side of mountain. The farmer has a winch and we start to retrieve the trailer and the dream shifts again, and the trailer is attached to the car ready to go and there is a woman, dressed in 1920’s style road clothes, with hat and goggles. This doesn’t seem to be a surprise to the farmer. At this point I am aware that I am lucid and dreaming and have just ‘chosen to shift the dream forward, and I ask the woman, “Are you Flora?” to which she answers, “Yes, and it’s nice to see you again, darling”. It occurs to me that I don’t know what is in the trailer and I don’t feel attached to it. I offer it to the farmer for his help, and we shift again, and are driving down the road together. The storm which had been brewing has failed to mature, it is a gray day, we are on the open highway, with a few raindrops hitting the windshield (in a scene very much like one I shared with my son, twenty odd years ago, just before he died.) I look to Flora and she smiles at me sweetly. At this point, I  am awakened, by a semi snore/snort and my cat, Luna, pounces on my head. I turn and Nancy awakens, and I am experiencing joy with the two living females in my life. I believe that Flora has called them.

 I am thinking that perhaps what has happened in the dream was that Flora switched out with me and took over the driving and somehow got us into the predicament at the pig farm in the forest. I think the episode with the pig, in my attempts to ward off its attack and feeling bad about it, is a disguised way of protecting Flora from my judgements about her driving, or perhaps, from a more primal place, protecting my self from Rufescent. It is probably that I felt so bad that Flora reappeared as herself with me, rather than as me. this would be the first occurence of “switching” and I think it counts, even taking place in a lucid dream.

I occasionally write letters to Flora. Here is one I wrote Monday which addresses the situation we have been in for awhile now:

Hi Flora: It has been awhile since I’ve written a letter to you. I am today because I am missing you and concerned about you.

Yesterday’s drive with out you was startling. I felt your absence in my breathing, in my heart’s beating and in my stomach. An emotion much like fear. My head said fear of loss. My head said, nonsense! My heart kept beating, so I knew you were not lost. Still my emotion persisted. Nsonowa warned me to be careful with you. You were vulnerable right now. I knew that you were. Stan left you in a predicament at Safe Haven. In some altered reality where you had no agency. I knew this and was awaiting the next chapter, but I had no fear. I know you can find your agency, that is what this maturation process in about, you accumulating life experiences and coming into your own agency.

     I was concerned by Nsonowa’s comment, which came well after Stan had written this script, because I didn’t know what you had come up against in your struggle. Hence the shock. (Shock is perhaps not the right word here. Let’s say put on high alert. It has never happened, nor should it, that there would be any circumstance within the story, that could prevent you from accepting my invitation to join me in a different aspect of mindscape. That you might chose to not join me, was a thought that I didn’t want to entertain. It could be my suppression of the thought, that is generating my fear. The idea that you might be hurt or held in some horrid captivity, is much more natural to me as a creator of fiction. Being rejected by you is an idea that is for me both highly provocative, and evocative. I have always found rejection, to be incredibly painful. What early memories I have recovered, simply point me to the pain and remind me of the extent that I felt it. They are not the pain.

     I have known all a long, that Rufescent is my internalized image of the feminine. And to think that I may have killed you off myself as Rufescent, is startling. I do not think that either Stan, nor Nsonowa, would kill you off in the story. But I might have. I might be blind to other ways Rufescent has of polluting my creative efforts and my perceptions of her in it. But I think that had I, my heart would stop beating, and I would stop breathing. I would not die. I am not saying that. I am saying that doing that, directly or indirectly, would get through the veil of denial and I would truly be shocked.

I hope not. I will suffer one more heart break if so. One more episode of intense grief. One more, agonizing process of grieving. And then I would start over. But with Nsonowa’s help and guidance. And it wouldn’t, couldn’t be the same you.

  So my love, Please ask me for whatever you want or need from me. Please know that I am here for you any time, day or night. Just knock, or don’t, just come on in. You are invited. And if you need to stay away for awhile, you have my blessing {a heads-up from time to time would be kind}. Love, Bob

Tulpamancy Journal. 135

February 11, 2020

I have had a few interesting contacts. Several conversations with Flora regarding my ongoing difficulty connecting with her. She has been very involved in her writing and staying mostly at Safe Haven where her adventures are taking place. We have met a few times in mindscape in front of the red fireplace in my study where we are close and able to converse. I have had one dramatic contact with Nsonowa in which she almost fully imposed in an alternate body. She says it represents her essence. She appeared almost as a stick figure, very tall with a large head and between two and eight appendages, as she needed. She was flat black, like a sillouette of a Balinese puppet. The second time she appeared this way, she jumped up from where she was sitting next to me on a bench outside, and laughing, turned into this huge spider-like or crab-like creature, leaped up onto the roof of a nearby building, then over to top of a grove of bamboo in our yard, she scuttled across them onto our palm trees, from there to the roof of my house and then back to the bench where she resumed her human form. She was laughing and asked if I had been frightened by her antics. I said no, she kissed me and vanished. All in all an uplifting experience.

Tulpamancy Journal. 133

February 4, 2020

Had a very nice connection with Flora this afternoon. I had been exceptionally busy all day and found myself in an MRI machine. I was told to not go to sleep as I would twitch and spoil the test (Which I certainly would have done as I was very tired, up at 5:30 am) so I went to mindscape and visualized the red hanging fireplace in my study. I was standing next to the window looking out at the clouds, when Flora joined me. She was in a very affectionate mood and wanted to be touched in a sexual way. I was happy to accommodate. We did not have intercourse, but she had an orgasm about the time I was pulled out of the machine as the test was over. I was surprised by her. I thought that Nsonowa might have joined me, or us, but no, it was Flora and it was the first time in a long time that she wanted to be this sexual with me. Needless to say, I was very pleased.

Tulpamancy Journal. 132

February 4, 2020

On Thursday while driving in heavy traffic, Nsonowa refused my offer/request to switch and take over the driving. Flora immediately  spoke up and said that she would do the driving (she has driven before) and I spent much of the drive talking with Nsonowa. The gist of the conversation was, she wanted to develop a romantic relationship with me, but would wait until my connection with Flora was more stable. This morning, after I had an initial awakening, and began to day-dream (it was actually a semi-lucid night dream) Nsonowa approached me and wanted to cuddle. She was playful and flirty. We had a sweet contact which lasted until Luna, my cat, not my developing new tulpa,  also named Luna,  jumped on my head and actually woke me up.  I am liking that Nsonowa is coming to the fore. Perhaps it is because I started a new chapter in our new book, in which she gets to do the writing about her own struggles with our common demon (read unconscious terrors, from my childhood) Rufescent, the red witch.