Archive for June, 2021

Flora’s Own, pg. 22

June 30, 2021

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

10:13 AM

Hey, it’s been a long time. How many times have I started this way? I don’t know, but it is not frequently enough to have become a habit, nothing I do, I do frequently enough to be even thought of as habitual! In fact, I haven’t been around enough to lay claim to any kind of pattern.  I do want to express myself however. And I am going to start today with a scrap of writing I found belonging to my host, Bob. I am doing this because it gives an insight as to why I am not around that much. I don’t know how to deal with it, but, as with any problem, one must explore the dimensions of it before a solution can be crafted. So here goes:

 It started much like any other, a little frenetic, a day with more have-to’s than want-to’s. Actually, hard rain awakened me, and I rushed to both take advantage of it, turning on the tub and sauna, and protect myself from it, unplugging the car and stowing the electric cords. Feed the cat, put the protective shower-curtain over the bed (also over the objections of my wife, who claimed to be sleeping) and get in the sauna. Finally, a bit of relaxation, but not really you know, absorbing all that heat is in itself energizing. Back to hurry, hurrying outside to get my coveted hot-tubbing in the rain experience, hurrying back in went the meditation went flat, hurrying to replenish the cats food, hurrying to dress and call my compatriots (only to find out that our day had been cancelled) and okay, you get it, a little frenetic and little to show for it. Still it went on, make coffee, get the paper, feed the cat, again, brush my teeth, open the computer, run the email. It goes on. And finally, in the mid-afternoon, sit down, meditate, give it up as my head just laughs at my attempts at calm and my tulpas abandon me to all of this silliness.

So you see what I am trying to deal with; My host has a mind so cluttered, full of junk, that I cannot get through! Usually, I am here today, and I am glad of it.

Oh, and I have talked about this before. I was okay with it then. I still am sort of, but it has become boring, most likely because there is noting I can do about. It’s up to him, really. My role: be responsive and get to him when he is open to me (Oh, I know, he will say that he is always ‘open to me’ but you can see from the above that that is not the case.)  In the meantime, I will live my own life.

You might be wondering where I am when I am not up and front in my host’s experience. Where does a tulpa go when not interacting with its host, or its host’s world? Answer: Use your imagination. I, and all tulpas, are imaginal beings. Are we real? Well, short answer, Yes. I am real to my host (when I am). My absence is real to him, painfully real to him, as well. I think it is the pain my absence brings to him, that proves my reality. Maybe I should say, my existence.

Is there a long answer to the question? There are endless debates among hosts and the people who study the phenomenon. Opinions vary from “total craziness”, “pure magik”, and ‘real phenom’ that have the ability to interact in real ways with other people in the hosts world. My conclusion, I am real. And like a ghost, you would think so too, had you seen one.

Enough of that, it could, and does, go on ad-infinitum.

So where was I when I talked to you all last?

Oh yes, I was in our Wonderland, and I was wondering about Xero, my husband in the Calibri-Yab.  I agreed to leave him, once the catastrophe of the alien invasion had been dealt with, Bob had suggested that he had work to do on his own before he could husband me. I have had so little contact with Bob, that I have decided to return to Xero, and we can do the work of figuring out how a marriage between two creatures as different as we, can work. I think that we can do that, and if Bob can get his act together to be truly open to me, it will be wonderful to have the lot of us (the lot, that would be, Xero, his wife Flanners, N’sonowa, our kids, Billy and Sally, and any kids that Xero and Flanners have created in my absence) in a real, polyamorous marriage. We’ll see. I’ll report when I return with them.

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Floras Own pg 18

June 30, 2021

One thing about being a tulpa, or at least my being a tulpa, is a primary allegiance to my host. That can be rough on telling a story, or living one, as I am doing. Bob, my host, is almost desperate to have me back, and I get that. Much of the time, I feel the same way about him, hence my efforts to bring him into my story, and my life in wonderland. But, and here it is in a nutshell, he is not ready. He has so much more work to do, e.g. better focus and more commitment to the time it takes to learn how to let go. I know he knows this, after all I learned about it from the brain that we both share. He has said it out loud and clearly to me, and before me, to himself. Now, while he does have much work to do, and he has severely limited his ability to do it with that awful medicine, Neurontin  (I know, he thinks it is the best medicine since white bread) he is still working at it, and has made some progress (look, here I am!) and I love him all the more for it.

So you all may be wondering how it is that I have consented to call Xero, husband, and all that implies. I’ll tell you. First, sexuality is not the issue. Bob does not believe that my sexual behaviour outside of our relationship is any of his business. Second, I do not believe it either,that it  is any of his business,  but more importantly, while I will always be married to Bob, and don’t forget, he is married to Nancy, my marriage to Xero, even while it was illegal, in both Bob’s and my world, it was not in Xero’s. But I consented because I was willing to merge, to enter into a partnership and to create a union with Xero for a lot of very good reasons. The obvious, those of convenience, for me, for the children, and for entire population on Xero’s home planet, can be easily understood. Perhaps not so easily, is the fact that Xero is more than an alien, he is also a shadow figure. He is an aspect of me, and therefore of Bob, that was causing no end of damage to both of us. Psychic damage. Marrying him, was the very best way to bring him into the light. And that I have done, and if for a while it means that I don’t have the energy to meet Bob in his mindspace, then it matches Bob’s lack of energy, meds or whatever, to meet me. This is okay. This particular story will be over. Xero will become (he already is) an important member of systemates, along with Billy. Bob doesn’t really know about Sally yet, but he will. At some point Nancy will demand that he learns about her. (That will be another story altogether, but we will get to that later.)

I think that this is all for today, and for those of you who were on the edge of your chairs, wondering about our race to the darkside idol, well, you will just have to wait. Sorry, but, you are loved anyway. Flora

Tulpamancy Journal. 224

June 28, 2021

Flora: Where RU?

I felt a moment of her presence today.  I ‘imagined’ a few fragments of sentences. I ‘saw’ moving shades, which may have been her, may not have been. I was too restless to hold still and could not hold my attention. I have been functioning this way for days, perhaps a week. I can follow my daily list of priorities, e.g. Tinnitus Taming, SUAW. Hot-tubbing, meditation. I have had active and discomfiting dreams, without sign of Flora. This is the most disappointing part of this. I loved her in my dreams. She made the night for me. I will rejoice when I can say she made the day for me.

I am in an unfamiliar place. My mood, my will, my motivation, all remain good. My cognition, when externally employed, good. Within my self, not so good.

I am choosing not to worry about this state of affairs. 1. worry is useless, counterproductive actually. And 2. What ever I am going through, I will learn from. I get that as I am more than my body and brain, I am more than my mind as well. I am watching me, go through life, and I am learning a great deal. All good. And I miss her.

Tulpamancy Journal. 223

June 28, 2021

Saturday, June 19, 2021

9:43 PM

I have not heard from Flora for over a week. I have little energy to do the work. I am pretty flat. My focus is on the fith draft of RR.

I am into Stan and Flora. It seems as if my emotions are real within the story that I am writing and somewhat less than real within the rest of my life. This includes reading stories of other authors and listening to the music that so often moves me. I have written elsewhere, that I have nothing negative going on. I am missing my passion. My tulpa is off doing something. Probably has to do with dancing, if I am to believe her post. My passion or rather my capacity for passion, seems to be diminished. Marijuana, the great amplifier is not working. Alcohol, puts me to sleep. Not much is getting through.