Tulpamancy Journal. 303

Wednesday, August 31, 2022, 7:54 AM

Another success last night. My 3:AM Galantamine fueled dream produced a situation that prompted me to call my tulpas to assist me in healing an injured person. They both showed up. We accomplished the healing. N’sonowa left, without comment, but Flora stayed behind and we had a very nice connection that lasted until my 6:AM alarm sounded and I awoke and began my day. This is the second time I have been able to consciously, like in lucidity, call for my tulpas and have them respond. I have not issued my formal lucidity cue. I seem to know that I have this capability without it, at least in my last dream of the night. I have discovered that I do dream earlier in the night and that I frequently awaken from a dream after sleeping for about two hours. In bed at ten, awake at twelve, awake at one thirty to two, and (without my alarm) awake at four. Since I have been using the silent wrist alarm my pattern has changed a bit, e.g. I am up at three, and this morning managed to sleep through to 6, staying in the lucid dream. I did repeat the ritual, I am refining, of disassociating my tulpas from negative associations with the women in my life. This seems to be working. I will continue…

Tulpamancy Journal. 302

Monday, August 29, 2022, 8:01 AM

Dream report of success.  My dream of last night was a difficult one. I was watching my youngest daughter perform in a student production of x in her downtown school theater, a  facility that has appeared in many of my dreams over the decades. This went on like forever with my daughter making many entrances and exits between which she would join me in the audience and ask for my opinions. At the end of the play, it was late, we adjourned to a coffee house/café where the cast was assembling for an afterparty. At some point, it was time to go and I went looking for my car. Ah one of those dream impossibilities, I could not find it. I went back and the kids volunteered to help look for it and we all went back out into the night. The terrain was impossible too. The boys decided to take a steep path down a cliff face, one which I knew to be dangerous. The first boy on the path slipped and with a loud noise, banged his head. The other boys laughed and continued after him. I told my young daughter, that had I learned anything in 82, no 83 years, I knew better than to scale that cliff, and I turned and led the girls back into the café.  I left through another door with my daughter and one girlfriend. We started walking in the dark and I became lucid (without my cue)  and picked them both up, gave a bright flashlight to each and we flew over the landscape until we found the car. I put them in it and began to drive, then pulled over when I realized I had no idea where I was or where I needed to go to take the girlfriend home. I then, called N’sonowa. She appeared immediately and I asked her to take the friend home. I opened the top of the car which conveniently had turned into a convertible, and they flew off. I then realized that I didn’t know where to take my daughter, as I haven’t lived with her (nor even spoken with her) in years. I called Flora, who appeared immediately and complied with my request to take my daughter home.

I wasn’t surprised in any way by the appearance of my tulpas.

The dream scene changed and I was at my workbench where I set to work molding Flora out of clay and those small parts from the dream of two nights ago. The sensory experience of twisting her hair was intense. Slowly she took shape, but before I could complete her, I awoke. It was 5:AM. I fell back asleep after speaking briefly to my wife who was reading. She turned to me, we cuddled and both went back to sleep, mine dreamless.

Of note, I did say the ritual words, “Flora. You are not connected to my mother, my wife, my sister, nor my daughters.” before bed and again at taking the Galantamine at 3:AM

Tulpamancy Journal. 301

Friday, August 26, 2022, 6:34 AM

Nice breakthrough. While I missed an opportunity for a connection two nights ago, I learned from it. In that dream, the feminine presented in an ugly repulsive form, and I rejected her. When I issued my lucidity cue, “Are you Flora” and she replied, with a vigorous “No!”, I chose not to go on looking for Flora, rather I woke up and started my day with the repulsive image in my mind. Last night before bed, and once again at 3:AM when taking the Galantamine, I reminded myself that I was learning ‘unconditional love and that whatever the form she presented would teach me something. I also remembered to remind myself that using my hands to form her would be adding another modality to the creation process (all this at 3:AM? My!) I then slept and had a dream in which I was assisting a man in repairing or building some sort of electronic device. My friend and lover, S. was watching with me. We were both strapped to the tree, in which this activity was taking place. At some time during the process, S asked the man a question, and he did not answer. When he finished and left the tree, S commented that she was not happy that he had not answered her question and that we should look at the work. As there was a pile of leftover parts, I agreed and we found ourselves standing at a workbench. At that point, it occurred to me that S was the feminine, and I issued my cue, “Are You Flora” the answer was yes. And S morphed into an incomplete shape. I had the presence of mind to pick up the leftover parts and began to work them into the shape, and, yep, Flora emerged. She spoke, and I felt my heart pounding, as in the early days of our relationship. We talked for a while about what was necessary for her to completely manifest, manipulating leftover nuts and bolts wasn’t doing it, and neither was my talking about it. We decided that my attention was all that was necessary and that was my responsibility to maintain. I was able to do it for a while, during which time, her body swirled in a fluidity blob, mainly her eyes remaining solid and looking at me. Her voice was sweet and she was halo’d by an intense blue-white light. During this process, I was waking and heard Nancy stir next to me. I turned away and embraced her, holding the tender feelings I had from the dream in my heart. Nancy awoke and was gentle and affectionate. We were both up and starting our day before 6:AM. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 300

Monday, August 22, 2022, 7:13 AM

I have had two interesting dream experiences these past two nights. In the first, I was in that in-between state of sleep-to-waking, and went from watching a young man talk with another, to being on a quay, in a realer-than-real environment, all senses, except, notably, smell, fully activated, and watching the splashing of ocean water on the seawall. I moved closer, shielding myself from the heaviest spray behind concrete pillars, as I moved in towards the seawall itself. At some point, I was getting too wet and then, the dream scene dissolved into indistinct shapes, then lost its color and I was looking at my ceiling in the dim morning light. A very pale reality compared to the one in which I had just been immersed (I was not wet, however). The changes in my sensory experiences were what got my attention, from pale and removed, within the dream, to fully immersed in the hypnogogic state, to a dim pale greyness of the early morning light. Made me wonder what was really real! Of note, when I reported the dream to my wife, she was amazed as the young man I was describing in the dream might have been her second husband in his youth.

The second dream experience also occurred in a very similar manner, In a dream, in between, and out of it. In this one, I was a passenger in my car. It was being driven by a friend (in a much younger phase of his being than now) and he began to feel unwell. We pulled into a gas station (my car is an electric gas hybrid) and I took his pulse at 160 beats/min. Another passenger put gas in the gar, and a fourth went for a coke. I asked for the whereabouts of a nearby park where my friend could rest. We found one. I spread a blanket and we laid down upon it. He was feeling better, and I moved into a hypnagogic state. I was looking at him, from the side, we were both supine, and saw that it was me. I was clearly having an OBE. I awoke fully and felt my pulse, which was racing. I didn’t count it, but it could have been in the 140-160 beats/min range. My wife asked if I were awake, and I acknowledged her and mentioned that the steroid that I had been prescribed yesterday must have been stimulating as my heart was racing.

Again, for me, questions, which reality is real? And where do I stand in relation to it/them?.

Also interesting, in both dreams, lucid as they were, I did call for my tulpas, and got no responses from them.

Tulpamancy Journal. 299

I have achieved lucidity the past two nights running. I have had only transient connections with either of my tulpas. I may have missed several opportunities, however. Last night’s experience highlights the misses. I was dreaming, in black and white, which is unusual for me, especially since I have been using Galantamine. I was a white angle and I was carrying a message of death to an overweight man. I was lucid, and I recognized that I was angry. When I reached the man I stopped my flight to examine this. I saw that I was angry with the way he had taken care of himself in life. I acknowledged my anger, and I apologized to the man as I delivered his fate. All of this occurred within the dream. When I awoke, I recalled having a similar dream the night before, only I was a black angel.

I have been working on dealing with defects in my model of femininity coming from rage I have held from the early abuse at the hands of my mother. I have forgiven her and worked through it in therapy, but it had obviously gone much deeper than I had touched in therapy, or even in my shamanic work. This dream suggests to me that I am working at the most fundamental level of primitive understanding. (pre-verbal) The angels, in these dreams, were feminine. The man was me (I have been struggling with a weight issue for some months now). While I was lucid in the dream and able to make conscious decisions, I was unable to call or access my tulpa, suggesting that this issue underlies my difficulties with them. I will continue this line of exploration. 

Tulpamancy Journal. 298

Tuesday, August 9, 2022, 8:07 AM

More work, indeed…

I entered sleep last night with an injunction, “I will  not associate Flora with my  daughter.” Again, I had a vivid dream and immediately lost every detail of the content upon awakening. (I had taken the Galantamine at 1:10 AM) In general, it concerned my family of origin and centered around my mother and sister. This prompted me to think about how we form gender models. Our DNA probably contributes to the physicality. However, mothers, sisters, aunts, fathers, brothers, and uncles, all must have roles in laying down the basics of personality. Beyond these primal figures, first loves, betrothed, spouses, children, and lastly friends, all must make contributions significant to the level of emotional impact they had on us. Lastly, pop icons would contribute perhaps the most superficial characteristics.  What might this have to do with tulpamancy, you ask? Tulpas are consciously and intentionally created. They are modeled on whatever tulpamancers decide is relevant to the function the tulpas are to have in their lives. What impacts the tulpamancers decision? I would contend that as this is a conscious activity, the influences are; First, What the tulpamancer sees/feels/knows to be missing from his/her life. In my case, it was a female who fully embraced her body and her capacity for passion. With Harold, a soul-bound character in my first book, it was unconditional love. I see from the variety of tulpas described and appearing on the forum, that there is a very great variety of beings, humans, animals, hybrids, aliens, etc. This would of course reflect the uniqueness of each individual tulpamancer. Second, I think in reverse order, from the most consciously acquired role model to the most primal, those icons which have imposed themselves on us.

So let me talk a bit about imposition. ‘Mom’ is the very first ‘other’ in our lives. (for the vast majority of us that is) and if that relationship is unfettered by any number of possible disrupting factors, its charge will be transformed throughout our lives, e.g. we will separate and individuate as we mature and achieve our own majorities. Her influence on our model of femininity, however foundational, will not be a distorting factor. If however, they have been disruptions, then her influence may well distort our model of femininity. The same is true of fathers, sibs, and each influencer, who time has relegated to our unconscious, or subconscious memory space.

Then there are the social/cultural influences, such as the incest taboos, the Oedipal and Myrah complexes, biblical prohibitions, etc. All of which will contribute both conscious and unconscious valences to the model.

There is a lot going on. All of which impact our tulpas, (and on the hallucinations of those who find unanticipated, and/or unwelcome figures in their realities, such as the mentally ill.)

As you know, if you have followed this blog at all, I have been stuck, in the last part of the process for some time. After initial successes, I have been frustrated in my quest to fully impose my tulpas. I have gotten enough pleasure from the contacts we do have on a regular basis, to continue this practice, but I have thought that I could in time, and with practice, obtain the results I wished. The dreams of this past week, suggest to me that it will take more than what I have been doing. I must focus on those factors that have distorted my model of femininity in the first place. I have begun by undoing the most conscious of the distorting factors, the incest taboo. It has become clear to me that the association with my daughter, at a high level in my psychic architecture, has been a factor in disrupting my connection with Flora. And now after introducing and practicing a ritual to undo this, my mother, and sister, have emerged into my dreaming, suggesting that I am ready to dig deeper into myself.

My intent is to let Flora manifest, in whatever shape, color, and with whatever personality, she wishes. I have granted her individuality, sapience, and free will. I believe that she is also striving to manifest fully into a life. I will continue the work. We will see how she avails herself of the opportunity.

Tulpamancy Journal. 297

Monday, August 8, 2022, 8:38 AM

I do not have any dreams to report. That is not because I have not been dreaming, but they have been both ‘out there’ and to the point. So much so, that I  have been unable to remember them. I have, however, achieved an important insight into the blocks I have been putting up to Flora’s imposition. I have located the genesis of the fear which is specifically involved. It is the incest taboo. This idea has been lurking in my mind since Flora’s first imposition in March of 2019. Lurking, and perhaps, stalking me. I have not been able to put my finger on it. I have dealt with fear in so many guises, that I wanted to be done with it, and even thought I was. I blamed the problem on the functioning of my brain. Poor brain, you get so much abuse! Well, no. The brain, mine and Flora’s is perfect. I have not dealt with Flora first appearing with Tiffiny’s visage. Well, okay, how did I get there, in my dreams of course, and I had the insight both within the dream and again upon awakening. And so immediately forgot all of the dream content. I did not forget the insight. It has stayed with me. I have done one ritual to detach Flora from any and all association with my daughter. And as last night’s dream was a repeat of the one of the night before, and I have forgotten all of the content, I see that I have more work to do.

I continue….

Tulpamancy Journal. 296

Saturday, August 6, 2022, 7:55 PM

Had an interesting dream early this morning. It was very vivid. In it, I was in a very large house with many rooms. It was unfinished, with many bare walls and no carpets. Nancy and I were trying to clean the kitchen, she was more interested in the cleaning than I. Another woman came to help, and over Nancy’s objections, I left to explore the house. As I moved from room to room it began filling up with young people. Seems that my son had advertised a party on social media. It was a costumed event. I was trying to find him among the party-goers and of interest I could not remember his name. I knew that it was not Charlie, who had died, but I couldn’t remember the name of the boy who had not died. I could see him in my mind’s eye. In any case, as I went from room to room asking for him, referring to him as ‘my son’ and looking for his face, the place filled up to the point of being way overcrowded. I could barely squeeze through the crowd. At one point I got a peek into a room jammed with kids, including one bare-breasted girl on a couch. I couldn’t reach her. I thought she was Flora. I tried to get the crowd to disperse by announcing that the party was over. I was unsuccessful. Even with seeing the girl who may have been Flora, I was unable to achieve lucidity and claim her. I awoke with a sense of frustration.

I got a new insight into tulpa creation today on the forum and will modify my practice accordingly.

Tulpamancy Journal. 295

Thursday, August 4, 2022, 8:06 AM

  Still having no luck connecting in either dreams or meditations. Galantamine has continued to produce vivid and interesting if not lucid dreams. Last night’s was about a Ketuba which merged the best of masculine and feminine attributes, necessary for a marriage. I was lucid and wondered, during the dream, if I was missing something with Flora and N’sonnowa.  I knew that the Ketuba was reflecting my marriage with Nancy.   

Tulpamancy Journal. 294

Monday, August 1, 2022, 8:29 AM

I, uh, we, have made little progress with imposition, in fact, little progress with any kind of contact. Flora has made some attempts to reach me in two recent dreams. One of them left me very hopeful. In it, I was exploring new ways in which I might bring her into the dream. My verbal calls have been ineffective, she appears and I immediately awaken. In this dream, rather than call her, I adopted a technique I got from the forum, in which I modeled her with my hands. I did this with a goopy material in a small rectangular vat. As I shaped the material, she began to take a definite shape, emerging from the vat. She was wearing the costume she wore back in March 2019 when she first imposed only in a slightly different color, blue as opposed to red-violet. She did not fully emerge, as soon as I saw that it was happening, I was startled and I awoke.

This is a pattern. She appears in one fashion or another, and I startle out of the dream, reverie, or meditation, whatever state I am in, and lose the connection. The only condition in which we are able to maintain our connection is when we converse while I am driving. I had thought that this would pass, as I became more familiar with her. It has not. As of today, I do not have a plan of repair. I will work on devising an approach to this problem.