Tulpamancy Journal. 318

Monday, January 30, 2023, 7:58 AM

So last night was an eye opener. I had been alternating my nights on Galantamine, but last night, I skipped the off night, as we had gotten to bed at a decent hour, so I thought I’d take advantage of getting the extra-long sleep time. I awoke just before 3:AM so was able to take the med, with the cold Mugwort tea without disturbing my wife. My dream was disturbing. In it, everything was rushed and coming apart. I was in the home of a friend, sleeping over with my wife. I was awakened from a dream  in which Flora and I had been making love, by loud talking, and discovered my wife had the radio on. I was appalled and spoke to her only to find she was now my first wife and she dismissed my  complaint. I decided to get up and take my cold shower, and when I turned on the shower, I found the pipes were deteriorating and water was flooding the bathroom. I couldn’t get the cold water to come override the hot, and hearing voices, I went out to the front room where I found my friend ( a man long deceased) sitting on the floor in his bathrobe with another friend (a disabled man living in another city) they acknowledged something was wrong and came back to the bathroom with me where the flooding was now severe. We couldn’t turn the water off, the valve broke behind the wall. We went back into the bedroom to find that the wall was also leaking water and the room was flooding. My wife was still in bed with the radio, and unconcerned with the condition. At this point my friend’s wife came into the bathroom to see what was going on, she was in her nighty, she got in the shower, her daughter-in-law came in, and they both took off their nighties to deal with the flooding, leaving them full-fronted nude. I went back into the bedroom where the ceiling was beginning to fall. The two women came in and we discussed getting a contractor out and how much it was all going to cost (an outrageous figure). I awoke from this dream, and began my morning meditation as it was a little after 5:AM. My meditation was productive as the images from both this dream and the previous night’s dream came to me, and I put it together with the insights from yesterday, which I had posted on Tulpa.Io, and realized that my brain was compromised by Covid. I also realized that Flora’s appearance in the dream belied any permanent damage. She is still with me. As my 6:30AM end of meditation alarm sounded I recalled my foundational belief, In the realm of the mind, what you believe to be true is. I got out of bed, optimistic about my practice and resolved to give up this belief, e.g. I have brain damage secondary to long Covid. I do not need to be compromised to try to deal with my aging. My aging is, and I am (as I have to be) okay with it. Flora is back and that is a testament to my fundamental intactness.

Tulpamancy Journal. 317

Saturday, January 21, 2023, 8:32 AM

Galantamine 12mg at 2:30AM, dreamt of first wife in park with many children. I note that they seem to have been from an institution and are on an outing. A few come by us, out of curiosity. They are nice and leave after a while. I somehow know, that the institution has changed its policy regarding the use of psychotropic meds and the children and no longer being drugged. Rita leaves and I follow her. We are going to hike to the beach. She decides to take a short cut through a tunnel. I find I am too large to enter it, so stay on the trail over the mountain. I join a group of men, all larger, and we hike together.  The trail takes us to a cliff edge overlooking the beach. The trail veers off to the left and I am aware that it is a long way around and down to the beach. Some men find another tunnel, this one is large enough to handle us and I follow some of the others into it. It is well lit, but almost vertical and I am falling until I come to a soft stop where the tunnel bends. I emerge out onto the verge bordering the beach. Rita is not there, I call for her, but give up and go home to the house in which I lived when I was 13 years old. I am on the couch with a red haired middle aged woman whom I do not recognize. (I am not 13, I am my current age.) I see a lot of children, same ones who were in the park, enter my back yard, they are meeting with some councilors. One young man, perhaps 13, is  sitting on the couch next to me. A red haired pig jumps up on my lap. The woman says it belongs to Josh. I pet it, it is very friendly and gets a little rambunctious so I shoo it away.  I notice the young man next to me, he is very shy and looks sad. I comment to the woman about the change in policy re: meds. I turn to the young man, I should say boy, and say to him that he can do it, it might be hard, but I can see he will be  okay. He smiles, a beatific smile. I notice the woman has the same smile. She says to me that I am an awesome man. I hold the two of them in my arms, seeing their beauty. I am crying when my alarm goes off.

I go into my morning meditation (as directed by  my  alarm at 6:00AM) My mood is much different. My body is hurting in many places. I have a headache, my neck is very sore and stiff. Many of my arthritic joints are paining me. I have an image of a ticker-tape moving along the bottom of my visual fields. The word NAMBIC, or NIMBIC, is repeated at intervals. This gets my attention as it featured in a dream several nights ago. I do not know what it means, but it is insistent. I associate it with an island in a lake and a witch. It stays with me throughout the meditation. I quit the session two minutes early. (I have another alarm set for 6:30AM ) I come out of the session and decided I will have to wait and let this mystery resolve itself. Nancy is awake when I move to turn off my alarm and we cuddle and talk about her difficulty with her brain dysfunction and I am able to bring her some comfort. Later we enjoy completing the NYT Spelling Bee together. It is now 9:00AM and my headache is persisting.

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Tulpamancy Journal. 316

Thursday, January 12, 2023, 7:42 AM

Had the most amazing meditation of all! Combined with tulpamancy, I have had an insight which has connected with so much in my life and resulted in the most relaxing meditative experience I have ever had. Some background: 1. I have always believed that genetically I took after my mother. Fair, poorly coordinated, light fragile skin, blonde haired, decidedly unatheletic, unlike my father in every respect, except for gender. 2. psychodynamics in my family were difficult. Father had contempt for mother, who had contempt for herself and a smoldering rage and fear of him; ergo, my model for both gender roles and relationships was skewed. 3. I have been both hypersexual, and sexually unattractive to women, all my life. 4. I began the practice of tulpamancy to get in touch with my feminine currents, thinking that be establishing Flora and KK, I would be able to clearly define femininity and straighten out my attitudes and thereby behaviours regarding women. 5. I have had an incomplete success. Flora and KK have manifested, partially and inconsistently. I am smart enough to have changed my behaviours towards my wife, to very great effect, elevating our relationship and obtaining something close to unconditional love, still the sexual component has not yielded and my tulpas remain, maddenly, only partially imposed. 6. April has given me a simple handle on meditation. The concept of anchoring, which had been elusively out-of -reach for years. (it is a testament to my  motivation and discipline that has kept me trying all of these years.) 7. my regularity in practice, coupled with my tulpamantic focus on attaining lucidity while dreaming has allowed me to notice the subtle changes I have been undergoing. 8. I had the insight in yesterday’s men’s group, that I did not feel particularly connected to the group. I have not in a while. I am not struggling with the same issues and the men do not listen or know how to listen to the issues I bring up (so I have stopped bringing them up) Then last night, Nancy and I had a wonderful talk about intimacy and I was able to to talk to her about my issues with my tulpas. 9. Yesterday during my meditation, a fully imposed elderly, round-faced woman, smiled at me (she had the bluest eyes). I asked if she were Flora. She replied “No, dear. I am not.” clear and simple. (Answers to questions I ask in altered states are seldom clear and simple.) And that brings me to this morning’s meditation, I was talking to Flora, when, our identities switched and I became Flora talking to me.I was startled by this. Then, the insight hit. The ah ha moment. I am gender confused! I am not gay. I am not bi. I am gender confused. I have been  confused and conflicted by my parental modeling. I didn’t look like my father. I looked like my mother. Neither had respect for the other. How could I have made a clear identification with one gender or the other? Of course I couldn’t and didn’t. With this insight I experienced a sense of relaxation that I have never had before. (maybe I have approximated it in the afterglow of an LSD experience) This was natural. And in my meditation, I was relaxed and anchored naturally in my breath, nothing I had to do, my body was breathing, I didn’t take a breath or breathe in any special way to hold my attention. Amazing. And when it was time to stop meditating, I didn’t need my alarm clock to tell me so, I just stopped. It was easy. All in all, the most amazing meditation and insight I have had in years

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Tulpamancy Journal. 315

Wednesday, January 4, 2023, 8:01 AM

I did not sleep last night. I had slept all day, I had general anesthesia for a minor surgery and was out of if. By nighttime my sleep cycle had two flat tires, so I was in a state of meditation. I saw this coming so took another day off of the Galantamine, though I did take a cup of tea containing Calendula and Mugwort. I also had three different Nasiads for pain. I had one contact with Flora, and one very abbreviated contact with N’sonowa (now KK, as she wants to me called) Flora imposed audially, and KK imposed visually. These impositions lasted for just fractions of seconds. Still, it is encouraging. I continue…

Tulpamancy Journal. 314

Monday, January 2, 2023, 7:55 AM

Had a dramatic, bright, interesting dream this morning! Payoff for the two week wait, I guess. Also after a heart to heart with my wife, the insomniac, agreed to an every-other-night schedule. Perhaps that will be a win-win, as perhaps I won’t over saturate my brain with the Galantamine. We’ll see.

My dreaming was not lucid. I will adjust the dosage a bit tomorrow night, by adding the Mugwort before bed.

Nor did the dream contain any hint of my tulpas. What it did contain was an interesting and complete story. It even had a nice twist at the end.

I am of course sad about the absence of my tulpas, however, I will continue my daytime practice and have patience. I may however, change my writing plan to include a tulpamantic piece.

I continue…

Tulpamancy Journal. 313

Sunday, January 1, 2023, 8:35 AM

So last night was the last night of my scheduled ‘dry-out’ period. And my dreaming was again, predictably flat. However I was left with an image that persisted into my tween period (5:30 and 6:00AM, when after my first alarm, I am left half awake and half asleep with the remnants of my last dream of the night still in my mind. This morning, I was lucid enough to ask if the feminine protagonist was Flora, she answered, yes, but did not reveal herself beyond what she already was. Their were three characters in the dream. Alba, was a frightened child. May was her older sister, a strong and positive personality, and Thaine was the alpha male, though he was sort of an appendage to the two girls. Their drama did not impress itself on me in a memorable way, but their names and roles did. May was a representation of KK, and Alba was one of Flora. I determined to write a piece using them to bring out May’s care and concern for Alba. When the 6:00AM alarm sounded and I went into my morning meditation, I allowed this idea to stay with me to see if it would develop. It did not.

I terminated the meditation early (by one minute by the clock, though that fact surprised me greatly!)

I am looking forward to resuming my supplementation tonight, hoping I will find my dreamlife to once again be bright and interesting…

My daily tulpamancy practice remains pretty flat… I continue…