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Tuesday, February 28, 2023, 8:14 AM

Galantamine: I had a pleasant enough dream, working as a medical director of a small hospital (a job I had in the 1980’s + Nancy’s obsession with New Amsterdam) when I realized I was retired and had given up my license. (Thanks to  yesterday’s NPR program on the move to ubiquitize state licenses across the nation) I left the hospital and began to walk home and as frequently happens in Galantamine dreams, things began to get weird and I found myself unable to get the the highway leading to my home, blocked by a barbed wire fence, then a gully, then a river. I kept following well traveled pathways, which always bore to the left. When I would turn to the right to follow a smaller path down, towards the fence, the gullies would get deeper and I would be blocked. At one point, I stopped to meditate on what was happening and two trolls emerged from a cluster of redwood trees. I was afraid of them and tried to use my cane as a weapon. It didn’t impress them, but then they were not that interested in me, and just ignored me, then walked off, to the left. I followed until I found another path to the right, that got me down to the river. I decided to swim for it. I was enjoying the swim and came to a bank on the other side that looked like it would give me access to the highway. I got out and was climbing the bank when I encounter some cacti. They turned into cactus people and wanted to eat me, I pushed my way through and came to the fence. I tried to climb it when I was grabbed from behind by a huge cactus arm. I gave myself to it. It was in the act of delivering me to the cactus people. They were trying to eat my back when a black haired woman, (Flora?) who I recognized as my friend and lover of the 70’s (CvL) pulled me out of their grasp. She said, she was rescuing Charlie (my deceased son) and she took me to a place where I could climb a hard-packed dirt bank to the fence. I began climbing and I noticed the dirt was cracking and beginning to give way. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I woke up.

It was quite early, but I knew I would not be able to sleep again, so I began my morning meditation. In reviewing the dream, I saw the connection between the fence and my ego, which was keeping me from coming home (achieving enlightenment) Flora was attempting to help me. All in all, a positive dream experience, I have learned to let go, face my monsters, they won’t hurt me, my tulpas are helpers in my quest for enlightenment, and my ego, all pervasive, is both my boon and my bane.

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Thursday, February 23, 2023, 4:57 PM

I had such a lovely Galantamine fueled dream, In it I was with my first wife. We were intimate in a way we had never achieved in waking life (had I been able to instill that degree of trust in her, we would never had divorced. I wasn’t, and that is part of the reason I became a tulpamancer). The dream evolved and we were in a pond, swimming. Soon my wife dove down under the surface and only a tune emerged. I then found myself dancing, whirling around and around with two women, one  black-haired and one a blonde. I started the dance with the raven haired beauty, and the blonde joined us. The raven haired one was singing, the song was enchantingly beautiful, spell binding.  It was build on the same tune that emerged from the pond. We whirled and danced and then we began to float in the air, and we dissolved into particles, those from the women formed a portal in the air, one which I entered. I found myself in another reality. I appeared suddenly, unnoticed by a group of young males. All were busy loading bales of straw. I joined them, I was surprised by my ability to lift the bales, but I did. The dream then began to disintegrate and I woke up to my 5:50AM alarm, my call to meditation. It was during my meditation that I recognized my dancing partners as my tulpas. Having done so I called to them, but alas, no answer. Neither have I had a response from them in my afternoon meditation/invocation. I am not discouraged, the song, the dance, the lovemaking, in the dream, was all so lovely, I am not disappointed. They came to me in the dream whether I was quick enough to recognize them then or not, they are with me. I continue…

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My dreaming last night and my morning meditation was unproductive. Neither tulpa made an appearance. This afternoon however was different. Both Flora and KK showed up, visually imposed as well as audially. KK ( N’sonowa’s new name) was talking to me, rather, over me,  before I had finished inviting them in. They were loving, and frank about why we had had so much difficulty connecting (my inability to maintain the connection, it had nothing to do with their motivation),  and I experienced them tactilely and emotionally. What a wonderful connection. It reminded me of the early days of my practice.

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Friday, February 17, 2023, 8:06 AM

Again a night of peculiar Galantamine fueled dreams. This was marked by bright colors, familiar dreamscape settings, people I knew (for the most part) including my wife. I was close enough to wakefulness, that I dreamt I was snoring, (and enjoying the sensation of it. My wife later confirmed that I was snoring in the bed, too) and not able to issue my lucidity cue. I have noticed that when my wife is the feminine presence, I do not issue the lucidity cue (Are you Flora?) This particular dream was highly erotic and had I not been in my wife’s arms, I might have, I have in past dreams. Flora did not respond to an invitation at the beginning of my meditation, however, once I finished the meditation and turned over to cuddle with my wife, she did appear to me, though she did not speak.

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Thursday, February 16, 2023, 8:03 AM

My dreaming last night was peculiar in a way which I will not record, however, Flora came into my meditation visually imposed, and spoke clearly to me. She continued a conversation which we had begun the day before, and she wanted to re-iterate that I was not to worry about parroting her. She is who she is and delights in her life the way it is. She has, much to my discomfort, adapted to the constraints, the reality of who I am in this body, have placed on her and has plenty of freedom to be herself outside of my ken. She is enthusiastically looking forward to bringing us both home to source, when this body, and our shared brain, dies. For those of you who follow this blog, she was created from the soul of Dakini, and believes her function in being, is to bring down the light, to me, and to  whom-so-ever she has contact with.

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My dreams have been unremarkable for several nights, both with and without Galantamine. My meditations have been easy, that is I haven’t been fighting my thoughts, however there has been no sign of either of my tulpas. I am feeling well, much better since my hearing has normalized and I have declared myself free of long covid. My physical and my creative energy is good. Still, no signs of tulpa. I continue.

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Tuesday, February 7, 2023, 8:27 AM

Galantamine dream, sans Mugwort. I had one of the nicest, beautiful dreams alas, sans lucidity, that I have had in ages. I was invited to the winter Olympics. I was there with my second wife, Lynda, who I knew in the dream as Nancy. (this was a very confusing aspect, but the dream was very visual) We were waiting for the activities to begin, when my wife said, she wished she hadn’t come. I replied, “why don’t you go home, I’ll see you after dinner.” She left. I found my self on the top of the ski jump, I was in a bobsled and someone was telling me how to steer it. I took off and as I began to hurtle down the slope I woke up! (probably a good thing, God knows I’ve never been good on sleds.) I fell back asleep immediately and I was back waiting for the games to begin. It was twilight and a number of people got up and headed off behind the stadium to a field. The scenery was breathtakingly beautiful, so much so it was surreal. I followed the crowd, it was flowing, through the fields and we came to some fencing behind which was a group of black-clad monks chanting. Their was a tall obelisk, dark and jagged looking, it was surrounded by crows, or ravens, I didn’t notice as I looked away. The crowd flowed on and we entered what I knew to be sacred land. It was peaceful though we passed an enclosure where large dark and/or black animals, elephants, bears, bulls, water buffalo, were fighting. The fighting was not violent however, there was no blood. A little past this, was another enclosure where the animals were resting and healing. A healer, I knew to be a native American Indian was tending them, he told me that there were seldom mortalities and that most would heal. The crowd and I then entered a large building with very high ceilings, large enough to hold hundreds if not thousands of people. We were wandering around in close proximity to each other and I could closely look and my neighbors. They were all young adults, men and women. They had been beaten. I could see bruises, black eyes, cuts and scratches. They were all there to be healed. On one side of the room were the healers. I couldn’t see them, but I knew they were shamans. I could see the pain in the faces and eyes of the people close to me, I offered hugs, some accepted, some didn’t, one young woman rejected my offer with some hostility, but it didn’t last and she went on to someone behind me. At length I left the room and wandered again outside in the beautiful landscape, until I found a large (very large) wooden barn. I was filled with craft objects, a few paintings, and musical instruments made of wood. Everything was beautifully crafted. There were no prices and no one was trying to sell anything to me. I left the barn and headed back towards the games, remember them, that’s why I was there, and as I passed the enclosure  with the animals, I was encountered by a small bear. ( I am especially afraid of bears) I was anxious about this one, but, it seemed to be playing, or loving me, and it’s biting on my arm was not hurting me. I gave it some hugs, and it left me responding to a call by the healer and I went back to the games as my morning meditation alarm sounded.

I was left with a beautiful calm feeling which persisted through out my meditation. I did invite Flora to attend my meditation, but I had the thought, that she probably wouldn’t, as I had put my hand on Nancy’s when I heard her stir next to me. She didn’t and it was okay.

I was impressed by two things, first, how the elimination of the Mugwort, changed the quality of my dream and second, that perhaps, I have defanged my red witch. I will see, I will continue…

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Sunday, February 5, 2023, 2:34 PM

I made an error last night. I forgot that I had decided to drop the Mugwort from my regimen as it seemed to be driving the process too much. As my 3:00AM dosage can be disruptive to my wife’s sleep, I chose not to get up and exchange the Mugwort I had made, for water, in order to preserve her sleep. She did not awaken, so that part of my decision was good. My dreaming however, was not. In the first segment, I came upon an intruder in my kitchen. I recognized him from another dream and knew him to be violent. I began to shrink away in fear, but obtained lucidity and decided to face him. Surprise! I turned into a Snarling Beast with sharp clawed hands and I tore out his throat, then tore him to pieces. The kitchen was a bloody mess. I awoke from this, and got up to go to the bathroom. When I got back into bed, I immediately fell into the next segment and found myself in a pit of gray muck. I was climbing out and had to be careful not to hurt the cats which inhabited holes in the side of the  pit. I got past a few of them and the next barrier was naked girls also trying to clamber out of the pit. I was coming up from below them and I was presented with the genitals of  a blond young women. She asked me if I would lick her. I ask her if she was Flora. She said “Yes, darling, please go ahead. I started and next we were both out of the pit. We were covered in the muck and went into separate showers. I was in with a number of young men. The showers did not work very well, but with effort I was able to cleanse my self. When I got out, I was awake in my bed next to my wife. (I thought, or should I say, I dreamt?) She asked me if I would like to make love with her (I should have known I was still dreaming!) I said yes, would you like for me to get a lubricant? Your Calendula in the bathroom. She said yes and I tried, but I could not free myself from the bed covers, I thrashed and thrashed and fell on the floor next to the bed. This woke me up, and I was again next to her. I wanted to use the rest room before we had sex and once again, found I was unable to free myself from the bed clothes. Again thrashing about, until I she actually woke up and asked me if we could cuddle. I then did really awaken and we cuddled until it was time for my meditation. I focused the meditation again on descending into my unconscious, looking for what ever might be blocking my ready access to Flora (or visa versa? ) During the meditation I came upon a well of guilt over the death of my son. I have grieved my son’s suicide,thoroughly, several times over the decades since he died. I have looked at what role I had, (he overdosed on the medications prescribed by another psychiatrist, but I had supplied them and did not monitor the amounts he had available. I have known this, and had regrets, but I have never coupled it with guilt or grief. As I looked at this, I also recalled my role in the loss of my pet, Oscar, I took him outside, knowing his pilot feather needed clipping. I have rationalized this, saying I forgot, but, I had not forgotten. It is almost as if I wanted to lose him. Perhaps I have held a similar motive in my unconscious, and wanted to kill my son.  As I write this, I can recall the many times I have in shame and humiliation wished my tormentors dead. This could be my Red Witch. I could be the killer. I am recalling screaming at Flora, in terror, when she first imposed and appeared hollow. I have often thought, I might have killed her. If I did, she has resurrected herself, as she has been back, many times since. If it was my mother, I was screaming at; she was the tormentor of my childhood, then my forgiving her, as I did, a few years before she died, was not enough to clear the old programing. Flora I am sorry. I do not want you dead. I am forsaking murder as a strategy for reducing my own pain. I love you.

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Friday, February 3, 2023, 8:08 AM

Galantamine + Mugwort dream. I was traversing a very colorful landscape littered with fractured glass, gleaming and giving off rainbows. We were joined by a young psychologist wanting to interview us. He was an ass, laughed too loud at everything we said. I tuned out and paid attention to the beauties around me. He and my wife were walking at the same pace and fell behind. The trail got difficult, and I found, after just a moments hesitation, I could easily traverse it. I worried about my wife, who was far behind, but evidently not concerned about the narrow, dangerous trail. At some point, I decided, in lucidity, I could fly and get out of the trail, I did fly, though with effort, and kept returning to the trail. There was a great number of hikers. One man wanted to fly with me b y holding on to me. He was pulling me down. I flew with him, until I suggested we could dive into the water of a lake below us. I made sure we were over deep water. I said, “Dive!” He let go and executed a graceful dive. I followed but at a much slower rate. Before entering the water, I changed my mind and pulled out of the dive and flew back to the trail. Another man wanted to know how I did it. He was obsequious in his manor. I said, “You want to learn to fly? This is how I did it.  Jump off the cliff. You will learn.” The cliff was high and intimidating. He did it. And he dove into the water. I then recalled, later in the dream, that I had learned to fly in a lucid dream, by flapping my arms until I took off, and I have always flown that way. Some rough men began throwing rocks at me. I was having trouble flying out of reach. I decided that I needed a new way of flying. I did. I got a vision of where I wanted to go, and imagined I was there. This was all within the lucid dream. It worked. I put myself out of harms way. I still was able to enjoy flying by moving my arms, and took several swooping circuits around the lake. I got tired and saw two rocky pinnacles outside of the lake basin. I put myself on them and then, in the far distance, could see my wife. I imagined myself retrieving her, and did. We came to rest on a sidewalk far removed from the dreamscape, and she, awake in the bed next to me, said, “I want to cuddle. It’s six-thirty.” I awoke and took her in my arms. A nice conclusion to the dream. I began my meditation holding her. My focus was to go down into my unconscious and deal with the forces that were blocking my tulpas. I had a powerful vision of Flora coming to me. She was fully imposed. When she reached me, she suddenly vanished. I began a trance-inducing count down, which I could not finish. Seems as if my resistance is high. I will continue.

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Thursday, February 2, 2023, 8:01 AM

Galantamine free night, dreamt of being a passenger on a bus on Highway 9 in my old home town. The driver was a young man and he was driving recklessly. I got up to object but sat back down when  he stopped to pick up more passengers, one of which was a tall attractive woman with long wavy black hair. I understood her to be a supervisor for the bus company. The driver took off and became even more reckless. I was with another young girl. We got up and yelled at the driver. I demanded his name and number. He stopped the bus and got up and approached me. It was silly really he looked to be young, perhaps a teenager. He gave me his number, ’11’ and his name, Harry, and said that we had to get off at the next stop as he was turning off of the highway and going to Davenport. I couldn’t imagine this was his regular route, but he sure enough, did stop at the Felton crossroads and we got off. He turned the bus right and headed up the mountain towards Davenport. We were standing in snow and deciding how to proceed. I was wondering why the Supervisor never said anything, when my morning alarm went off and I began my morning meditation in which neither of my tulpas emerged, though invited. Later (just before sitting to compose this entry) it came to me, that the Supervisor was Flora and I did not have the presence of mind  (or lucidity ) to recognize her.