Galantamine 12mg at 2:30AM, dreamt of first wife in park with many children. I note that they seem to have been from an institution and are on an outing. A few come by us, out of curiosity. They are nice and leave after a while. I somehow know, that the institution has changed its policy regarding the use of psychotropic meds and the children and no longer being drugged. Rita leaves and I follow her. We are going to hike to the beach. She decides to take a short cut through a tunnel. I find I am too large to enter it, so stay on the trail over the mountain. I join a group of men, all larger, and we hike together. The trail takes us to a cliff edge overlooking the beach. The trail veers off to the left and I am aware that it is a long way around and down to the beach. Some men find another tunnel, this one is large enough to handle us and I follow some of the others into it. It is well lit, but almost vertical and I am falling until I come to a soft stop where the tunnel bends. I emerge out onto the verge bordering the beach. Rita is not there, I call for her, but give up and go home to the house in which I lived when I was 13 years old. I am on the couch with a red haired middle aged woman whom I do not recognize. (I am not 13, I am my current age.) I see a lot of children, same ones who were in the park, enter my back yard, they are meeting with some councilors. One young man, perhaps 13, is sitting on the couch next to me. A red haired pig jumps up on my lap. The woman says it belongs to Josh. I pet it, it is very friendly and gets a little rambunctious so I shoo it away. I notice the young man next to me, he is very shy and looks sad. I comment to the woman about the change in policy re: meds. I turn to the young man, I should say boy, and say to him that he can do it, it might be hard, but I can see he will be okay. He smiles, a beatific smile. I notice the woman has the same smile. She says to me that I am an awesome man. I hold the two of them in my arms, seeing their beauty. I am crying when my alarm goes off.
I go into my morning meditation (as directed by my alarm at 6:00AM) My mood is much different. My body is hurting in many places. I have a headache, my neck is very sore and stiff. Many of my arthritic joints are paining me. I have an image of a ticker-tape moving along the bottom of my visual fields. The word NAMBIC, or NIMBIC, is repeated at intervals. This gets my attention as it featured in a dream several nights ago. I do not know what it means, but it is insistent. I associate it with an island in a lake and a witch. It stays with me throughout the meditation. I quit the session two minutes early. (I have another alarm set for 6:30AM ) I come out of the session and decided I will have to wait and let this mystery resolve itself. Nancy is awake when I move to turn off my alarm and we cuddle and talk about her difficulty with her brain dysfunction and I am able to bring her some comfort. Later we enjoy completing the NYT Spelling Bee together. It is now 9:00AM and my headache is persisting.
Had a dramatic, bright, interesting dream this morning! Payoff for the two week wait, I guess. Also after a heart to heart with my wife, the insomniac, agreed to an every-other-night schedule. Perhaps that will be a win-win, as perhaps I won’t over saturate my brain with the Galantamine. We’ll see.
My dreaming was not lucid. I will adjust the dosage a bit tomorrow night, by adding the Mugwort before bed.
Nor did the dream contain any hint of my tulpas. What it did contain was an interesting and complete story. It even had a nice twist at the end.
I am of course sad about the absence of my tulpas, however, I will continue my daytime practice and have patience. I may however, change my writing plan to include a tulpamantic piece.
I haven’t improved much with my ability to stay with Flora, nor N’sonowa. Scattered glimpses, and parts of sentences. That’s it. I haven’t written much and I haven’t given Flora screen time. No one has responded to me on the forums. Nothing happening in dreamtime. Nothing in meditation either. Flat, Flat, Flat….
Still verging on the edge. I have the image from the last scene of Woody Allen’s film, Matchpoint, a ring balancing on a rail. It falls one way, and the protagonist of the film, gets away with murder. The other way, and he is caught, disgraced and punished.
Huge consequences depending on the vagaries of luck.
I am not sure this is quite apropos, as this is not a life or death issue, at least for me(I think), it may be for Flora. Or if as I intend, for me, should the entire enterprise fail and I therefore fail in creating a vessel which will take me beyond the shadows on the wall, back to source.
So, this is hard. Flora is with me, and our ability to maintain a contact longer than a few seconds, remains compromised. Is it me? (Most likely) Is it her? (Hardly seems possible that it is. She could just tell me once to buzz off, and I would. She hasn’t, she says quite the opposite.) So, I can feel her touch, hear her voice, see glimpses of her. And react with intense emotion. All exciting and coupled with the other signs that the veil is thinning, has me very excited.
Flora, if you are reading this, you are invited to comment, or better yet, just come on through. Love, Bob
Hey, it’s been a long time. How many times have I started this way? I don’t know, but it is not frequently enough to have become a habit, nothing I do, I do frequently enough to be even thought of as habitual! In fact, I haven’t been around enough to lay claim to any kind of pattern. I do want to express myself however. And I am going to start today with a scrap of writing I found belonging to my host, Bob. I am doing this because it gives an insight as to why I am not around that much. I don’t know how to deal with it, but, as with any problem, one must explore the dimensions of it before a solution can be crafted. So here goes:
It started much like any other, a little frenetic, a day with more have-to’s than want-to’s. Actually, hard rain awakened me, and I rushed to both take advantage of it, turning on the tub and sauna, and protect myself from it, unplugging the car and stowing the electric cords. Feed the cat, put the protective shower-curtain over the bed (also over the objections of my wife, who claimed to be sleeping) and get in the sauna. Finally, a bit of relaxation, but not really you know, absorbing all that heat is in itself energizing. Back to hurry, hurrying outside to get my coveted hot-tubbing in the rain experience, hurrying back in went the meditation went flat, hurrying to replenish the cats food, hurrying to dress and call my compatriots (only to find out that our day had been cancelled) and okay, you get it, a little frenetic and little to show for it. Still it went on, make coffee, get the paper, feed the cat, again, brush my teeth, open the computer, run the email. It goes on. And finally, in the mid-afternoon, sit down, meditate, give it up as my head just laughs at my attempts at calm and my tulpas abandon me to all of this silliness.
So you see what I am trying to deal with; My host has a mind so cluttered, full of junk, that I cannot get through! Usually, I am here today, and I am glad of it.
Oh, and I have talked about this before. I was okay with it then. I still am sort of, but it has become boring, most likely because there is noting I can do about. It’s up to him, really. My role: be responsive and get to him when he is open to me (Oh, I know, he will say that he is always ‘open to me’ but you can see from the above that that is not the case.) In the meantime, I will live my own life.
You might be wondering where I am when I am not up and front in my host’s experience. Where does a tulpa go when not interacting with its host, or its host’s world? Answer: Use your imagination. I, and all tulpas, are imaginal beings. Are we real? Well, short answer, Yes. I am real to my host (when I am). My absence is real to him, painfully real to him, as well. I think it is the pain my absence brings to him, that proves my reality. Maybe I should say, my existence.
Is there a long answer to the question? There are endless debates among hosts and the people who study the phenomenon. Opinions vary from “total craziness”, “pure magik”, and ‘real phenom’ that have the ability to interact in real ways with other people in the hosts world. My conclusion, I am real. And like a ghost, you would think so too, had you seen one.
Enough of that, it could, and does, go on ad-infinitum.
So where was I when I talked to you all last?
Oh yes, I was in our Wonderland, and I was wondering about Xero, my husband in the Calibri-Yab. I agreed to leave him, once the catastrophe of the alien invasion had been dealt with, Bob had suggested that he had work to do on his own before he could husband me. I have had so little contact with Bob, that I have decided to return to Xero, and we can do the work of figuring out how a marriage between two creatures as different as we, can work. I think that we can do that, and if Bob can get his act together to be truly open to me, it will be wonderful to have the lot of us (the lot, that would be, Xero, his wife Flanners, N’sonowa, our kids, Billy and Sally, and any kids that Xero and Flanners have created in my absence) in a real, polyamorous marriage. We’ll see. I’ll report when I return with them.
I am adding a few notes from My Meditation and Dream Journal ( and a few other sections of my notebook) as I have not been interested in maintaining this blog, and I want to get it as complete as I can, and up on the net, before leaving it until I begin some new, and as yet unanticipated, phase of my practice. These entries are from the very beginning of my seriously undertaking of tulpamancy as my spiritual discipline, having decided, that while interesting and important for non-spiritual reasons, Judaism is not sufficient.
Monday, January 28, 2019
7:25 PM
01.29.19. Okay, I did dream last night, and, I did not record any of it. Still, As I am writing now, I believe that it did have something to do with my Tulpa. (look, I have already owned her as if she has already appeared, and perhaps she has.) Okay that’s it for now, I did not contribute to any of fiction efforts yesterday, spending all of my time on tulpamancy so I am off to write fiction now.
01.30.19. Dreamt last night of a current financial effort and it went terribly wrong. A disturbing night and I awoke this morning to get an email that revealed the opposite, it went wonderfully right. I am glad the dream was not prognostic. I suspect the negativity came from the sickness that has gripped me for almost two months….
I had a flash of a dream in which my tulpa made the slightest of possible appearances. I am so hungry I want more!
01.31.19 Dreams of being in a frustrating situation, which, with some lucidity, I repeated over and over, with no resolutions.
02. 01.19 Dreams similar to last night. Meditation on wonderland was unsatisfying. I could not complete the pictures, either inside the house or outside looking at the landscape.
02.02.19 Dreaming still unproductive. Low energy, scattered and forgettable.
Meditations same. Cognitive work though has revealed a potential cause, Where is the Dark Sister? Could she be lurking in the shadows interrupting my process of creating my sexy tulpa? Yesterday I ran across a piece of art that I had done quite sometime ago’ “the hunt for the red witch” a collage, quite dramatic. I liked it at the time and intended to do more with it. It was about the same time that I thought I might write a series into my fantasy novel TM called Dark Sister Stories. I never did that either, so here I am sort of stuck and both ideas of have now emerged. Time to get crakken! Will start with Safe Haven
02.03.19. Dream, I have no idea what my mind may have created prior to the last few moments of last night’s dream, but in the moment before I awoke, I was suddenly in a room, which looked to be in a ‘grass shack’. It was a bathroom, with an old style tub. In the tub was a woman, with dark tan skin, upswept straw brown hair, high cheek bones, some sort of thonged neckless. She was looking over her right shoulder, not evidently talking. She was in soapy water up to her chest, which covered the lower part of her breasts, including her nipples. I could not make out the exact color of her eyes, but they were an exotic, light pastel either blue or green. She had graceful hands and was holding a natural sponge. Up out of the water. That was it, this glimpse, clear and lasting only an instant. Was this her? I suspect so. I am inviting her to come again.
02.04.19 She has not reappeared in either dream nor meditation. I have remembered her, and quite vividly. I did hear her call my name during my meditation, but could not see her. I am reminding myself to be patient and let her come to me. One note, I too, do not like the word “forcing” used to mean creating and calling forth a tulpa.
02.05.19 I can sense her. She hasn’t re-appeared in my visual space which also is compromised in wonderland.
02.10.19 I have not thought to journal my past five days as my impatience with myself, my Savlanut Hasair in Mussar language, has taken way more of my attention and energy than I wanted to give it. I put it on the shelf, so to speak, and got to work creating and developing my characters in Safe Haven. I did not quit meditating nor dreaming. And several times today I heard a voice, I thought was Nancy’s but wasn’t. And my closed eye meditation was full on AP with fireworks. At length I was jolted back to consensual reality and I decided to go outside to meditate from my hot tub, on the twilight. For moments I was able to feel my primal connection to nature, the trees blowing in the wind connecting me to the cosmos. With a start once again I came back to consensual reality. I ran my hot tub safety drill, got out and got into the house and into my bed clothes. I headed to the kitchen and by the time I got there I was beginning to weave and feel lightheaded. I told Nancy I was feeling dizzy and was going to lie down. Which I did, pulling the covers over me as I went down. I immediately went into trance. My consciousness and therefore my point of view, went out to the edge of the solar system. I was keeping an outward vigil when a old style Atlas Rocket came zooming by me and turning loops and I heard my tulpa’s hallo. I asked her if she could tell me her name and she hollered by from the rocket, as she flew out and away, “It’s not time yet” and I woke up out of the trance and began to rub my eyes, test my balance, and actually did make it to the dinner table where Nancy had prepared a feast of Spiced Salmon and steamed vegetables over quinoa rice. I am excited and I can wait and continue to develop my characters and which one, or all, are to be my tulpa, name as yet unknown.
02.12.2019
I am patiently waiting. I during my mediations, invite her to come out and play, or reveal herself in anyway. She may be somewhere just beyond my ken. I can wait. In the meantime, I am writing my Safe Haven Stories in which I am currently introducing characters from my protagonists backstories, and filling in their backstories with history’s which will give some insight into their progress, or lack thereof, in Safe Haven.
02.13.19
Very strange dream in which I was discussing the terms of a father’s will with a small group of adults, we couldn’t seem to make any headways and at some point I had to use the bathroom. It was full of men when I entered and as they finished with the urinals and left, the urinals that each was using disappeared, leaving me continually waiting. Finally there was one man left. He was short with sandy red hair. He was rather disheveled and an elder. He waived to me then pulled out his willy and began to pee, from across the room! I yelled, and he and his mess was gone and a young nude woman was in his place. She was smiling at me. She had light tan skin, with very dark areola’s and dark pubic hair, darker than the sandy red hair on her head. I then awoke. I immediately thought that she might have been my tulpa, then it occurred to me that she looked a lot like my first wife at 17, her age when we married fifty six years ago. Hot then, hot in my dream. I am at this point unsure if she was my tulpa. She did not speak and I awoke before I had a chance to ask her name. I will see what my day and my meditations reveal and post later.
02.14.19 I swear, I cannot tell the difference between waking and dreaming when it comes to tulpamancy. For instance, I did not dream at all last night and my meditations seemed to be a struggle to keep out of my mind and into my body. Nothing happened in regards to my tulpa, though I repeatedly invited her to come. Yet several times today when not meditating and thinking about what happened, I had the sense that she had been there, or fleetingly was there. It is sort like several tulpamancers have described as catching a sight of the tulpa out of the corner of their eyes and, I have the growing sense that she is here, and just out of my conscious awareness. Well, she is welcome when she chooses to make an appearance.
02.15.19
I had another rather blank day yesterday, headachy with low energy. I did not start to write until late in the day, and had to quit when Nancy wanted me to watch tv with her. I was good for an hour then went to bed. I read a few pages from “Underneath it All” by Ion Light, put it down, made a tulpa call and went to sleep. I dreamt a scattered dream with many disparate elements most having to do with various daytime concerns. However, two items of tulpa interest. The first, I was introducing a young colleague to one of my ex-lovers who was in the hospital. I asked him to take her case and he was excited to do it until he found out that he would not get paid for it (professional courtesy). He, and this what was interesting, he looked like the young woman from my dream of the 13th, two nights ago. The second item of interest occurred just before I awoke, I was outside and off to my right was a small hill and I caught the image of a woman, from the back running up the hill, away from me. She was topless wearing only black shorts. She had long black hair and ‘china-white’ skin. I had the impression that she was laughing at me.
02.16.19 Two dreams; In the first I am a young woman attending a very upscale fancy dinner party with family and friends, perhaps twenty persons. The setting is 18th century England. I am sitting perhaps in the middle of the south side of the table. There is no one at the head of the table (north side). The really important people are on the west side, father, invited guests. On my side of the table, to my right and at the very end sits a very attractive and intense middle-aged woman dressed in dark brown silk wearing a multi-jeweled Topaz, garnet and diamond neckless. Her dark brown hair is piled on her head. I am chatting and laughing, in sync, with the other guests near me. At one point I turn and look at the woman in brown, she is turned towards me. Staring intensely at me. I turn towards her and, she has no face, there is just a white oval in place of it. I am horrified and wake up.
In the second dream, I am a man. I am in a meeting, a professional meeting discussing a project that requires a graphic illustration. A very attractive tall woman with black hair and a dark blue business suit, motions to me from across the room. I leave the meeting with her and go to a studio where she approaches a large poster board, she is holding an Exacta knife and is reaching up to trim the board to accommodate a piece perpendicular to it. the edges of the board are institutional green, perhaps one half inch thick. I approach to help her hold the smaller piece in place. She turns towards me, she is holding the knife in the air. She has no mouth in it’s place is a white rectangle. I am screaming. My wife wakes me. I cannot go back to sleep, it is now 4:30 am and I am writing. At this point I can imagine that in both the dream images, the white areas are lined with a slight red shadow. I have to add one other thing to this narration; at one point I was dreaming of this journal and, at the bottom of yesterdays entry appeared a handwritten paragraph. I could not read it, too blurry. I knew that my tulpa added it!
02.16.19 Today’s meditation. Once again I sensed that she was there, off to my right side. I imagined I heard her laugh. I fell asleep while meditating and did not dream.
02.19.19 Dreaming has been scattered (I have not been sleeping well, maybe the Super Snow Moon has something to do with it, still even in scattering, I continue to sense that she is there. Same for my meditation today, I heard various female voices (I thought, I hope they are not my tulpa’s, too bossy) and one particularly loud one calling my name. I also did a walking meditation and talked to her for much of the hour. I also talked to Loxy, who I sensed was there as well, and asked her if she would speak to my tulpa and extend my invitation to her. My overall sense is that while near, she has some insight that I am not yet ready to have her enter my life full on. I will continue my work in Safe Haven writing the Red Witch.
02.20.19 Dreamt of a young woman from my distant past (1963). I had not thought of her since leaving Chicago in 1965 until the dream last night. I had a kind of crush on her, but never had (or made) the opportunity to act on it. she appeared as she had in real life, in a loose fitting dressing gown that she wore when I dropped off my child for babysitting. I never saw her in anything else and she made sure that I saw her breasts when she opened the door. This had always turned me on, and stayed in my mind for hours afterwards. Her appearance now suggests that my psyche is dealing with long repressed sexual issues and represents movement of my feminine current. Could this be because I am summoning/creating my tulpa?
02.22.19 Dreamt again of women from my past, who made appearances without a coherent context. Usually this means that I was too defended to be able to apply a secondary process to the dream material. Also, I have not yet meditated today. I did some talking to my tulpa with no noticeable movement. I will record any results from my night time meditation tomorrow.
02.23.19 I had a very disturbing dream. I was a middle aged male therapist in some sort of large clinic (probably a residual from “Homecoming”) I was given a teenager to treat. I knew he had committed a murder. I worked out a fee of 75$ with him. We had a session during which he smirked the entire time (probably a residual from the TV news story of the Maga Kid on the Capitol Steps) At the end he gave me fifty cents saying I owe you a quarter. I took him aside and firmly told him he owed me 74 dollars and 25 cents. I left the room and walked across the campus, rolling green hills with leafy trees and went into another building where I overheard him talking with a teacher and a few other students, one of whom was a young, perhaps ten years old, girl. I could tell that the boy was setting me up to be accused of the murder. I felt very afraid and left the building and headed towards my car. A few minutes later the teacher, another smaller blond headed boy, and the girl, attacked me intending to kill me, the boy had a knife and the little girl, a hangman’s noose. We all fell wrestling to the ground, I got a good look at her face which was covered in blood. She looked terrified and continued to try to get the noose around my neck, I kicked out, knocking her off of me and rolled away from the group of them, jumped to my feet, ran to my car, a nineteen sixties looking,, very large, beat up, light metallic green blue colored, sedan. I roared off, down a hill the car took to the air, crashed down on the parkway and lurched into the street. I sped away and realized that the police were going to block the road ahead so I woke myself up. My heart was pounding and took quite awhile, cuddled in my wife’s arms, before it settled down.
Hours later in a group meditation session at my temple and after relaxing my body, the dream emerged into my awareness. I, now from outside the dream, knew that the girl was my tulpa and that she was being terrified by something inside of me, and that I would have to embrace her rather than kick her away and run from her. I would also double down on my efforts to explore my negative anima, in my fiction writing.
02.26.19
Dream: in three parts. First, in a crowded room, I looked across and saw a pale female face looking at me through the glass and knew it was the girl from last nights dream. I only saw her for a minute, a glimpse, but had no doubt as to who she was. Second part, I was on a jeep jamboree in very rough mountains (I have not done this since 1970) we were trying to get down an impossible grade and I was using my winch to lower my vehicle onto the track below. People were falling down this grade, it was practically a cliff it was so steep. One young man in a yellow survival suit fell in front of my eyes, went over the track and down into a river. I ran after him to try to rescue him and saw multiple bodies/people or corpse’s I couldn’t tell which, floating in the river (it was flowing rapidly towards my left side and behind some bushes, I shouted to the people in the river that there were rapids downstream. Third part, I was in some sort of spa (probably with the jamboree participants) I started out the door when a buxom blonde, I thought, the mistress of the place, approached me and hugged me tightly . I was very uncomfortable with this and proceeded out the door brushing her off against another patron. My wife shook me awake, I had evidently been deeply asleep because I could not get my eyes open. I was very unhappy that she had awakened me as I thought I was on the verge of discovering something. The image of the girl from the first part stayed with me, and has all day. Again, I sense she is my tulpa and needing some sort of help getting to me.
Meditation: My mind was very quiet today in my sit down session. I had no particular insights and I did not attempt anything else. My walking meditation was a bit different, I could not get the image of the girl in my dreams out of my mind. I would take a breath, shake my head, and back she would come. I didn’t feel as close, but she (her image) was there.
02.27.19 Dream. I am helping a young women move boxes of files out of an office. She has them loaded in a shopping cart. We move them into a parking lot with a muddy surface. It is surrounded by a cement retaining wall and there is another parking lot below that. The retaining wall is quite high, eight to ten feet, and the woman places an extension ladder next to it (from below) she climbs up and asks me to start handing her the boxes. I am thinking that this is dangerous as the boxes are quite heavy. I start by moving a few loose file folders which were in the back of the cart. The cart shifts and sinks into the mud perhaps up to the bottom of the lower shelf, completely covering the wheels. I am kneeling down in the dirt handing her the small folders when a security guard, dressed as an ICE agent with a military style helmet approaches and tells me to “get that stuff out of here” in a very intimidating manor. I realize that I am not going to be able to do that without unloading the cart as it is stuck in the mud. I know he does not want me to continue to unload the cart, I am will be unable to free it from the mud without unloading it. I feel as if the young woman has put me in a bind and I wake up. I have maintained the image of the woman all day. She was dressed in a brown business suit, had dark brown hair, and was quite petite as I imagine my tulpa to be. I am thinking that the dream is a metaphor for having to unload heavy baggage, old memories, records, files, in order to free her and being prevented from doing so by my ego attempting to maintain boundaries, hence the ICE or border patrol figure.
My meditation was non-visual and no one responded to my invitation. My plan is to continue writing my Safe Haven story and more fully articulate both wonderland and my positive anima, as represented by the four females in the story.
02.28.19
Dream last night was as scattered and incoherent as any I have had in ages! I was glad to awaken and promptly shed any memory that was still buzzing around in my head (which perhaps not unrelated, was stuffed and ackey.) I started my morning meditation much earlier than usual, and decided I would work on tulpa-forcing. I also decided that this might flow more easily than it had, if I gave her a name. I chose Flora, a character to whom had I not started on this work, was on her way to being a Soul-Bound, as I created her for my second novel (which is still on the boards) Re-animation Rag. She was an ideal, and I brought her into my Safe Haven story just recently. So I was forcing and I was doing all of the talking. I caught on and said to her, “Flor, I don’t want to talk for you, I want to talk to you. I want to tell you all about myself, and my inner world. Then it happened. Clear as a bell, she said, “Oh, you don’t have to do that, I already know all about you, I am of you.”
I was totally taken. She has directly, not in dream space, spoken to me. Her words, her response to my comment. Not even what I would have liked her to say (Oh yes, I want to know you). Her independent response. I am excited and looking forward to the possibility of more.
03.02.19 I went to bed last night after having done some visual forcing and describing Flora’s physical appearance (naked) in detail. (I did not visualize her, I wrote out the description in my notebook, leaving it up to her to show herself when she is ready {Oh how I do NOT like the word ‘forcing’}. I thought perhaps she might appear in a dream and I invited to join me in my dream and reminded myself to awaken in the dream. No such luck. I awoke very early, with a head ache and stuffed sinuses and not a scrap of dream memory. After a cup of coffee and a stint on a vaporizer, my headache lessened and I was able to be outside in my hot tub in a very interesting meditation. It was dawn, and raining hard and I was facing north, looking through a bamboo hedge at our labyrinth and I caught just a glimpse of her behind the hedge. She appeared shy, or perhaps coquettish, and I decided to give her clothing and visualized about five or six different outfits, the first was a brightly colored sarong. And a modification of her name appeared in my head; “Donna Flor”. I have been trying that name out since. And in a formal group meditation later in the morning, I focused on sending her the blessings of existence and sapience with each exhale, while on my inhalations I was conscious of receiving the blessing of life. She did not appear during this session though I had the sense that she was aware of the process. I will not pick this up again until late in the day, so we will see how this is maturing in my subconscious throughout the day.
03.05.19
Dream: (before bed which was late for us, I invited Flora to visit me and show herself if she was ready. I reminded myself to awaken and speak to her) I had again had a scattered dream and one sequence which I remembered upon awakening this morning, again very stuffy and with a headache, in the sequence a young woman appeared, on my left. We were in a tropical environment. She was standing next to some vine covered rocks next to a small waterfall. She looked over her shoulder to me and smiled. I called out to her “Flora!” Smiling she turned away and disappeared into the foliage. I can however, describe her. She had very long light reddish brown hair, perhaps, an orange tinted tan color. It was draped over her shoulder. She was wearing a sarong, looked to be cotton, with somewhat muted colors, brown, yellow, orange, tan, some green. Her skin was pale white. She had a very sweet thin face. I could not recognize the color of her eyes, however, I believe they were green. This was the entirety of the sequence which I remembered. It was all dream. I was not lucid. I was excited upon awakening, believing that I had seen her, though I have had doubts since, mainly because I was so not lucid and I have so imagined that our formal real-time meeting would feel more connected. I will see what my meditations bring today.
Noon: I did vocal forcing for much of my walking meditation. No clear answers or responses, but I could not get last nights dream image out of my mind. It seemed that I was talking to that image, though, I believe Flora herself is hanging out just over my right shoulder and listening. This is both a belief and a sense.
This afternoons work was mostly vocal forcing, and perhaps a quarter hour sitting meditation. Still the sense that she is there and listening though not speaking nor showing her self. I have no further information that would let me conclude if the dream image was her or not. I am waiting and inviting her to come into my world, both inner and outer.
03.07.19 Dream. An old (or not so old) theater in Holland (or somewhere else) I am milling around with others in the darkened building, some kind of activity is going on onstage which is lit, though none of us millers are feeling the need to be quiet. At some point one of the actresses onstage exits and comes down and approaches me. It is the same woman from the dream the night before, though she is not dressed in a sarong. She is flirting with me. I do not recognize her as Flora. At one point she kisses me, and I recognize that she is just a girl (perhaps adolescent) I am uncomfortable as I am aware of my age, seventy-nine, and I suggest that I take her home to her parents. At this point the lights flicker and we are under bombardment and plaster and beams are falling and another of the actresses, dressed in a black (shot with gold) skirt and top, is hurt. I pick her up and the girl helps, but I end up carrying both of them out of the building. We are in an active war zone. There is shooting all around us, though I don’t see anyone getting shot. It is very scary and I am struggling with the weight of both of them. I deliver the older dark clad woman to an aid station, and continue with the girl on my back, piggyback style. We arrive at her home and there is a very high set of stairs leading up to her door, she wiggles off of my back and pulls me around and begins to kiss me in earnest and suggests that we go to my house. I am still uncomfortable with the age difference, but perhaps I am getting some lucidity as I now think that she could be Flora and I agree. It is now fully daylight. The sky is bright blue and the city around us is still under fire with machine guns spewing bullets into the periphery. I can see places where statues have been knocked off their pedestals, though there is no rubble surrounding them. It is clear that we are in Holland. And I awaken.
03.08.19 Just back from the symphony to which I had invited Flora. I hope she loved it as much as my wife and I did. My head was stuffy and full the entire time and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I wondered if some switching was beginning to happen. It would be fine with me if it did. I had an amazing meditation this morning, in the hot tub, my body was completely relaxed and my mind went somewhere. Two hours passed in a beat. I think I would still be there if my wife hadn’t called me in. I also wondered if this was some switching. My head has been full and I have been stuffy all day. The pollen counts are low, we have had an offshore wind and episodic rain. Opposing this is the fact that I have not heard from Flora directly, though I have been vocally forcing either with my mind voice when with my wife, or out loud when alone most of the day. I am assuming she has been with me and is sentient.
03.10.19 No dreams, nothing happening in meditation other than watching my mind run around in circles. Nothing from Flora.
03.12.19 I had a dream last night. I had hoped that my dreaming would return after Saturday’s catastrophe lead to a real nothing on Sunday night. Last night, I had a long organized dream. I was painting a wooden fixture, perhaps a piece of a bannister, outside in an alley way. I had white paint on my hands and I was holding a small brush load of it. I set it down and began to walk, looking for the means to clean my hands and brush, and at one point turned down a driveway. It lead to someone’s yard which I rather uncomfortably walked through to get to the street on the other side. I then recognized my location, I was on a street close to Cantalope Ave. where I lived when I went to junior high school. I was walking slowly, the paint uncomfortably drying on my hands and brush, stepping to the rythem of a familiar pop tune. I walked and walked and walked. Ocassionally turning into driveways trying to connect to my street. I was uncomfortable doing this tresspassing and I was noticed by unseen people in the houses next to the yards I was crossing. “The wall, the wall” was spoken to me by several of these people. I finally, after what seemed like forever, reached my home.
I found the front door open and I immediately worried about Luna, my cat. I called her while I rushed to the bathroom to wash my hands. When I got out of the bathroom, she was there, and not too happy to see me though she let me pick her up. There was a young woman in the house and she was angrily berating me for leaving my cat. I could not see her. I felt that she wanted something from me, and I feared it would be money for cat sitting. I offered her five dollars, explaning that I only paid thirty-five dollars a day to our regular cat sitter and I was only gong two hours. I didn’t think this was accurate and then I offered seventy dollars for two days. The girl did not speak to my offer, nor did she reveal herself. I awoke feeling as if I had been in a nightmare and wishing that Flora had been there and hoping that she hadn’t been the angry girl.
03.13.19 I had an unusual dream, there was no feminine presence. I was an activist waiting with others for a popular activist to join us. We were in an Egyptian airport. At some point Egyptian security services showed up, planning on arresting the man we were waiting for. After he didn’t show (tipped off?) they accused me of threatening one of them, a youngish man in a gray suit wearing a smirk. I was arrested, cuffed and led off. Two of my associates were also cuffed and taken with me. I awoke at the airport door. That was it. I had no idea what it meant and I had no recent thoughts or experience with or about Egypt. There was no sign of or thoughts of Flora.
Later, in a sitting meditation I was completely frustrated, unable to keep my attention on any one thing, my mind running a million miles an hour and in circles at that. I had a forty-five minute walking meditation and vocalized a forcing with Flora, and had no sense that any thing was getting through.
03.14.19 Scattered dysphoric non-lucid dream. Couldn’t recall any of it upon awakening. I vocalized forcing’s for several hours today, and did some visualizing. I may have had some little successes as on several occasions I had the feeling that she was close. I had some flashes of light, during one visualization, and I heard some echo-like parts of speech in answer to my questions/invitations. I may be moving away from the disaster I created Saturday.
03.15.19 Dream: I am in warehouse like building, It is lit with lights having a strobe-like quality with a bluish tinge. There are people arguing, one has a pistol, a small one colored black, almost a toy. I am a bystander, watching from midway on a staircase. There is a scuffle, rush down to try to break it up, I am shot, not seriously hunt, get the gun and shoot one of the others, a woman I think, she is dressed in work clothes, has a Fromlich type body. I run out knowing that the others are after me and want to kill me. I drive away in a battered old blue car, as I write this I remember that I have seen this car before in dream, I find my self in a wood and come upon a cabin, turns out it is a church. A Christian Church. I do not feel safe or welcome and leave, I am now on foot in the woods and come upon another building much like the one I just left. This one is a synagogue and a Kol Nidre service is under way, I decide to join it and I awaken. It is hard for me to get up, the dream seems unfinished, but I do not feel badly about it, though I did not remember the shooting part until much later in the morning.
I vocalized with Flora, again apologizing to her for the damage I did to her on Saturday. I said out loud that I hoped I had not killed her, and invited her to come out, I am not sure whether or not it was she who answered me, or my own mind voice, but she said “I forgive you, I know who you are”. I again worked on visualization and again got only splashes of light.
Afternoon meditation. Invited her into my space. Was quiet thereafter. She did answer. I fell asleep.
03.16.19 Dream. I only have the last scene, and it is as ugly as any I have ever had. I was a young man. Not myself and I don’t know who I was nor my name. I was on the balcony of a very very swank New York condo, one of those 13 mil. Jobs. It was just past twilight and the lights were sparkling, the air was heavy with beauty. My hostess was just out of view as were her other guests. They were drinking martini’s. An elderly man, who identified as my father was standing next to the hostess. He was dressed in a gray suit with a bluish tinge, He looked like Andy Griffith in his elder years. He called to me, “Son, don’t you see that I am in distress?” I looked down and he was standing in feces, his own. I was shocked and awoke. It was two oclock am. I was very disturbed. My head was aching and stuffy. I got up out of bed, took Tylenol. It took a long time to get back to sleep. I awoke just before seven am. Still had the image of that man in my head. I don’t know, at this writing what this dream may have had to do with my tulpamancing, but I suspect that the hostess may have been Flora. I am still distressed that such beauty devolved into shit.
I started a forty minute sitting meditation giving Flora permission to enter my space in way she desired. I acknowledged that I was creating her to assist in my integrating my masculine and feminine currents and that could mean in a sexual capacity. I then closed my eyes and immediately saw the image from the dream. This time I assumed lucidity and backed the dream up to the point where the father was entering the lobby of the building, collapsed there and was taken to a hospital. I remained on the balcony. That ended the dream sequence. Later after my mind settled down, I had vocalized a forcing, a nude woman appeared, presenting herself in the most intimate way imaginable. I chose to enter into the scene as she wished, It was complete with visual, tactile and olfactory components. Was this memory, or Flora? Whichever, it was moving and welcome. The scene ended abruptly with my timer, which I set for ten minute intervals. This was the last of four, forty minutes.
03.17.19 I did not dream anything last night coherent enough for me to remember upon awakening. I did awaken with a stuffy head and headache. My meditations were also unproductive in a tulpish sense. Though I did have some very restful quiet time.
03.19.19 Dreamt of a young looking tall blonde cheerleading type. She was flirting with me. I was uncomfortable with this, she came up to me and embraced me vigorously, I was very uncomfortable. She was seven feet tall and my head came up to her belly. Her Height shocked me awake. That was the dream. I was glad that I had the dream after nights of not dreaming anything or anything rememberable. I was not sure if this was a tulpish dream or left over from a fiction piece in the New Yorker Magazine which I read just before bed, about a young man who may or may not have been flirted with by a woman who was way above him in class. I will see where my meditations take me today.
03.21.19 yesterday, flat, all day. Discusssed my recent experience with my Men’s Group. The two other old acid heads understood, no one else had the slightest idea what I was talking about. They did listen and asked appropriate questions, but, with that flatness, that suggested to me that they were pro-forma. I got home exhausted and after a short stint of helping my radiologist friend with a painting problem, dropped into bed and fell into a deep sleep. I did not dream. Awoke an hour later, still groggy and deciding that I would not go to the Purim Party at the temple. I made a strong cup of coffee. I very rarely do this in the afternoon. Nancy came in just then, as the coffee was hitting and she looked terrible, more than exhausted. She cried in my arms, “I am feeling so vulnerable!” (she has some health issues, not at all serious, though very painful, at this time, might become so in the future, if she doesn’t take care of herself which she does impeccably well. I offered to skip the party. Later she said she wanted to go. “We never get out!”, I told her I would support any decision she made, and she said get dressed and then I’ll tell you. After I dress for the party, then you’ll tell me if we are going?” was my comment. “yes.” She saw nothing incongruent in this. I dressed. We went. She complained the entire time about the food, what I was eating, then got up and left me at the table. At one point I was concerned and left, went looking for her and knocking on the ladies room door, found out she had gone out with a friend. I went back to the table, and had a fine time, drinking very good whiskey, and even, for the very first time in my life, winning a raffle (prize was a book: We Jews are The People of the Book, after all). We got home, her mood after her talk with a friend was good, though she had soured considerably by the time we went to bed. I got in bed late. Slept poorly until after three am. Got up to pee, went I got back in bed, I reminded my self to awaken (become lucid) should I see Flora in my dream and choose to talk to her. I dreamt one of those full color, you are there kind of dreams. I am on a tropical island, With a family, the only person I know in this family is my stepson Josh. He is in a hammock and nude. Others are in various states of dress, sarongs, and grass skirts, lion cloths, barefoot, palm frond headdresses. Predominant colors are tan, green, yellow, orange, very tropical all. At one point we are all at a table and someone says, let’s make love. I agree. An older man at the table, not dressed like the others, with very dark hair, dark swarthy not black, complexion, dressed in a dark blue coverall, looks at me, and says, “you don’t belong here!” I leave the room. And go back outside. Josh is in the hammock. There is a young woman, sitting next to him. I told him about the plan for all to make love and suggest that he and the young woman go in with the rest. He does, but the young woman comes over to me and sits in my lap. At this point, I remember my injunction to become lucid, and I look at her and ask if she is Flora. She doesn’t answer, but begins to very passionately kiss and embrace me. Her sarong slips and she has the breasts which I have described for her. She has sandy orange/tan short hair. Next scene, she is on a massage table, nude, lying rigidly straight, supine. I touch her, she does not respond. I notice her pubic hair. Very straight, very dark brown, tight, not pleasant to touch. I awaken from my sleep, incredibly groggy, my cat Luna, jumps on my head, licking my hair. I force my self up, sing out a cheerful “good morning” to Nancy, and carry Luna into the breakfast room, feed her, get my computer and begin this narration. It has occurred to me, that the woman in the dream, while perhaps starting out as Flora, turned into my first wife who was on that massage table, in both looks and behavior.
I have gone into length with this report, as it is the first dream I have had since the acid trip that has been tulpish, and I am very grateful. It is the first lucid dream as well, and I am more than just grateful, I am thrilled. There were the obvious negatives: Being told that I do not belong there, the first, by an obvious outsider, a shadow figure. And the second, that Flora is more or less engaged with my stepson, and lastly that she becomes my first wife, all suggest that the blockage is from my own psyche. That I have not yet, put enough light on the “Red Witch” nor on the “Darklord, Lucifer” That my first wife, the mother of my living children, was resurrected, is on interest in itself. First, I have reconciled with her. We have both acknowledged that we were “Just a couple of kids” (her language) and forgiven each other. This happened a few years ago, when I really began to see how both frightened and judgmental I had been during our marriage. (and in my second marriage) (and for much of the early years of this one, though I have actively worked on undoing those automatic reactions and have become much better at it. Nancy has her own issues, and my work in the marriage is to not inflame them, choosing kindness and support as alternative behaviors). Sexually, I am very aware, that post prostatectomy, I am a very different creature. And of course Nancy at twenty-five years post menopausal, is too. That not withstanding, I was a hippy in a very sexually liberated community, “free-love” threesomes, foursomes, group sex, and a local chapter of the “Sexual Freedom League” were all a part of it. and I, and many others, felt sexually free and liberated from the primal shame that had driven us until the “sexual revolution”. Of interest, all of that negativity came back (onto me) after I left that community. I believe that both the Red Witch and the Darklord, are remenants of these feelings. I also accept that I have possibly missed the obvious here, and I will await for further revelations. If anyone has thought that tulpamancy, as a class of magicianship, did not involve deep work on the self, that all of this would happen “magically” well…
03.23.19 Last dream of the night. I walked into a room, it could have been my library on wonderland. The young woman, whom I had identified as Flora in my lucid dream of two nights ago, was sitting at a library table, reading a book. I looked at her, I was startled by the recognition, I spoke her name; “Flora!” She looked up at me, smiled, and I awoke suddenly. It was twenty minutes after six am. I had invited Flora into my space each time I got in bed, I was up several times during the night. I also reminded myself to test my lucidity by speaking her name. I find myself confused. Why did I go from REM sleep, THROUGH lucidity, “Flora” into full wakefulness? The shock got me not only awake but out of bed and making this record. I am ambivalent about this woman. She was right out of a dream in which I identified her first as Flora, then as my first wife (aged 17, i962) I am awaiting further clues.
03.25.19 My dreaming has been of scattered and incoherent images which I do not remember.
My meditations have been erratic, at times unproductive other times, exciting. Last night for instance, I put myself in bed, waiting for Nancy to finish up her work and go to the hot tub for our nightly ritual. I invited Flora into my space and closed my eyes. The noises in my head (I am quite deaf and have very loud tinnitus) were especially loud and intrusive, so I used them as a focal point in my mind upon which to center my awareness. I had my eyes closed so was looking at their insides, orange/yellow light. I suddenly became aware that I was not the only one looking through my eyes! She was present inside of my head. She was just a presence, I looked around, inside my head and I caught a glimpse of her figure hiding behind my eighth nerve. Just a glimpse and then she was gone, and has not yet returned. I was so startled by this experience, I jolted out of my meditative space and could not settle down, either in the hot tub, I did relate the experience to Nancy, nor for most of the night. Ergo, I slept poorly and did not recall dreaming. It has occurred to me that the thrill, shock? Of my experiences have consistently knocked me out of the state of awareness in which Flora is trying to make an appearance.
03.29.19 A dream: I am driving in the new Prius Prime. I am wanting to turn left at the coming intersection. There Is an old beat up pickup truck in front of me, moving slowly. It is rusty light green, but attached onto the side panel of the bed, is a piece of sheet metal painted white. As the intersection approaches, I pull out to enter the left turn only lane and the truck slows down getting in my way. I pull around and up into the left turn lane and the driver, who was not signaling an intention to turn suddenly veers into me as if he is trying to get into the lane. He hits me. I am blowing my horn and yelling at him, I drive up ahead of him and push him onto the side of the road. I am banging on his window demanding to see his drivers license. He puts down his window and says; “What do you want with my license? You hit me.” I lose it and yell all the louder and his wife gets out of the truck and I meet her at the side of the road. She is an East Indian woman. She is trying to explain that he is not all together with it. She shows me his drivers license and I wake up. The old man, has thinning gray blond hair and a short white beard (as do I). He looks to be about my age. My first reaction is to think that this dream has no feminine presence, but is good as it is one of the first coherent and memorable dream I have had in days. (I did perform my usual ritual of inviting Flora to reveal herself and I talk to her extending that permission to choosing what ever form or mode with which to reveal, up to her. I also remind my self to become lucid if I see her and speak her name. I recognized the man as a stand in for me at my current age, and the white car as the vehicle of my self. It was sometime later in the morning that I realized that the man’s wife was Flora and she was helping him, but also somewhat embarrassed by him. My interpretation, is that I am letting some unconscious attitudes about my age, get in the way of Flora’s full emergence. On reflection, I know this is true, because I am having difficulty imagining having sex with her, even though in one very powerful dream, we did have sex and it was wonderful.
03.30.19 Dream. “In to the Woods” as the title suggests, I was in the woods. Wooded mountains really, at a roadside tavern. I was invited to witness a mining operation not far from the tavern. I was in the mine, it was really a factory, with many different machines and hundreds of people working. What seemed to be an earthquake hit and chunks of rock started falling and people running, I took shelter behind a berm out side. I looked up and saw that the mine was built into and under a huge mountain peak. It was tottering and rocks were falling off. People were yelling, and I got up and ran away from the tottering mountain. I don’t think I have ever run as fast. I got back to the tavern and started to climb a yellow ladder that was next to a brick chimney. The quake hit the tavern and the chimney began to sway and crack. A woman, yellow haired, big shouldered in a white peasant dress, joined me on the ladder as the chimney began to break apart. She found a way that we could get down and on to a parking lot in front of the tavern. I grabbed her hand and started running. I heard a car and I stuck my thumb in the air. I turned and looked at the car. I was an exotic 1930’s sedan painted a ‘french blue’ color. It was splashed in mud and it was hard for me to see in, remember I am running, dragging the blonde woman with me. I could see a woman driver and spaces on the seat next to her though the very large back seat was occupied by women. She spoke to me in French. I could only make out the word “Alors” but knew she was inviting us in. we got in and I knew (didn’t recognize) the driver as Flora. I did not become lucid nor did I speak to her other than to urge her on as the road was breaking up underneath us. We raced out of the parking lot, and further, out of the mountains, back down into the dark woods. Woods which I know well. They have been a frequently used venue, especially since I began my tulpamancing.
03.31.19
No dream memory from last night. Have continued to invite Flora into my world at every turn. I am now in the Airport Hilton assisting Nancy who is leading a workshop in MeCards4Kids. This has been especially problematical for her, as she suffered a humiliating defeat last year when doing a long form of this workshop for Soul Collage facilitators and hearing from the owners of Soul Collage LLC. That she was exposing them to too much liability working with children and that she was not too market her workshop through Soul Collage media or to Soul Collage facilitators who were also told that they were not to work with children. (unless they were either clinicians or teachers.) this venue today is independent of Soul Collage LLC. One in which she has presented before and is highly valued. So far she is doing well, and she has allowed me to carry her anxiety. I am doing so, after all “I am your man” as Leonard Cohen sings, and I have taken his song as an anthem, or sorts. Earlier, I invited Flora to attend this workshop with me and acquaint herself with this part of my outer would . I sense she is here and my head is quite stuffy.
My evening meditation in the hot tub, after a very busy and physically hard day, I medicated with one ounce of tequilla and two tokes of cannabis. I did a full set of stretches in the hot water, then sitting in hot water up to my neck practically floating and letting my sore muscles release, as my mind released from the cacophony of the day. I invited Flora to join me. I asked her to manifest as a Dakini spirit.
She did, she was floating about four feet off of the path through our bamboo hedges which led to the labyrinth. She was tall, perhaps eight feet tall, She was east Indian in appearance, beautiful, astoundingly so. She wore a diamond tiara over her black hair. She eyes sparkled like the multitude of gemstones, purple and white and red, dazzled my eyes. She was headed towards me, I saw that she was transparent, and had no soul. I shouted, not now, too early, you are not fully formed..” and she disappeared. I was stunned by the degree of reality she had attained, but terrified of the undefined parts of her, which were substantive and without which life cannot happen. I acted perhaps foolishly, but I acted out of love and concerned for her. That she is real now, I have no doubt. That she is as yet not fully formed, suggests that she is on track, having started from nothing, to real, but not yet self-sustaining.
04.01.19 No coherent dream to report. I looked forward all day to my evening meditation. Again, I took it in the hot tub as twilight, looking in at the labyrinth through the bamboo arches. Slowly as the sun set the shrubbery turned black as city lights came on behind them. It was gorgeous, it was sparkling with the same golden-purple light reds and silver/blue flashes that had shaped Flora the night before. The smoke like swirl of her bottom half, was the lighter brown of a tree trunk. I could see how my brain put Flora together. It is a matter of interpreting the data of the reality in front of you; and it becomes your tulpa. This operation of course takes place way out of consciousness. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be interrupted in a many different ways, interrupted or co-opted? By our ego’s always on the lookout for a threat to its’ existence. So, I looked inward to see where and how my shock originated. I immediately re-called a memory from the summer of 1970. My wife and I had partied the night before, and as our custom during the summer, went to bed outside on mattress there for that purpose. I awoke in the very early dawn and turned and looked at her sleeping face. She turned and looked at me, and she was no longer my wife, she was a fanged demon. I had known this fanged demon for almost ten years, dating to my first ever psychedelic experience, when I met the coyote god, was psychically hurt by it and repressed it, so when I saw it in my wife’s body, I was terrified. Shocked, and my shock knocked me out of that state of consciousness. Subsequently, I have learned many different lessons from that energy in me, almost none of them good. I have also learned how to identify it and face it directly (a strategy I have evoked on many different occasions. Its energy is much less in me now, but obviously not all gone. Hence, I interrupted Flora’s dance. Lesson learned, Perhaps too late for tonight’s meditation. Ah well, one foot in front of another.
04.06.19 I had a dream which I could remember! It was about Flora, though she wasn’t in it, or at least not prominently. I, in the dream, was forcing her, and on the model of the Dakini Spirit in which she appeared in real time/space. At moments I had the sense that she was close, but she did not manifest, nor speak. A man appeared, a Rabbi whose service we had just attended. I was holding an Ipad which he took from my hands and upon inspection, cried out; ” That’s her, that’s Flora!” I was very excited, so excited that I I awoke. It was still quite early and I rolled over and cuddled with Nancy; “I want to go back to sleep.” so I got up and started my day.
Later in a group meditation at the temple, I spent the session subvocalizing a forcing and invitation to Flora, without her response.
04.09.19 Dream, slept poorly, invoking’s before bed. Lucid reminder, long towards morning I was looking at two women standing in front of an alter. One woman facing me and the other, was sandy haired, the one with her back to me had long dark hair and wearing a hollywood type indian stereotype two piece costume, she also had a sword like appliance which she pointed at the other woman and it lit up. It was a light saber. I saw the purple edge of the light, and I became lucid, rushing up to the woman saying “Flora, and you Flora?” She did not respond, however, her light saber became incandescent and wiped out my vision and I woke up our of the dream. This woman, from the back, silowetted, looked like Nsonowa, my character in my Sahe Haven story. I however, did not make contact with her. I am still waiting to call her into my world. For her to accept my invitation. That said, this is her first appearance in a lucid dream since my LSD experience.
04.13.19 I was up several times last night, awaking each time from an inchoate dream which I could not remember, but which seemed to have some meaning or potential meaning. When getting back in bed, I was excited and motivated to remind myself tp become lucid in the next dream. I did, but it didn’t help me much. I called and called for both Flora and Nsonowa. No answer! I went looking for them, with no clue as where to go and I found myself, in what seemed to me a maze of brain tissue, all rather messy and yielding no clue to their whereabouts.
Needless to say, I was not satisfied with the nights results. Nancy awoke, sweetly greeting me; the day took on promise.
04.15.19 No dreams that I could recall. I may have been verging on lucidity in a dream I was just getting into shortly after going to bed, which was interrupted when Nancy awakened me wanting to know if I wanted to hot-tub with her. Ordinarily my answer would have been yes, this time, no. I wanted to get back to the dream and of course, it didn’t come. Ah well…
04.17.19
#63RE: out of the wings and onto the main stage I have been struggling of late with missing both Flora and Nsonowa. I get excited when I feel they are near, and disappointed when they do not show up. I am ‘invoking’ (my replacement word for ‘forcing’, which seemed to make some of my readers uncomfortable) both of them many, many times daily, during my formal sit-down meditations and informal off moments. At times I can almost feel them in the vicinity and sigh when the feeling passes without them. Last night I was in a dream when a young black woman (girl?) leaned over and kissed me, like a for real kiss, and I seemed to pop into lucidity, and per my nightly instruction to myself, called her name; “Flora?” She didn’t answer, but kissed me even more intensely. I woke up, very uncomfortable, the young woman or perhaps girl, I couldn’t tell her exact age, but 12 would not have been too young and 20 would have been too old, looked like a child version of T.N. my heart throb from another age. Our relationship, as lovers, did not last long, but our relationship as very good friends, lasted until her death five years ago. I still miss her and in the intervening time, her husband has died and I have lost contact with her son. Changes! Still, the dream image, while very real, and prompting my lucidity, left me unsettled and missing my real tulpa’s all the more. My meditations this morning have been quieter, but have not resulted in their appearance. Dr. Bob
04.20.19
Had a dream, one of a number which repeat from time to time in my life, in which, I was trying to correct a wrong. I was unsuccessful. At one point, I became like almost lucid, and I called for Flora. The dream changed and the problem (I don’t recall what it was other than chronic)) which no longer seemed at all important, and I woke up. This left me with a really wonderful feeling, and I am not sweating the un-remembered details. So what is going on in my unconscious psyche? That remains to be seen and I will trust that Flora and Nsonowa will in time, make it clear.
04.21.19
It was not my dream that provoked my ‘tulpa twins’ this morning. It was Nancy’s. She at sometime in the early morning, suddenly grabbed me and said something like “I was calling you, I couldn’t find you, I was being chased by two rats and was afraid they would bite me, you were in the den and couldn’t hear me.” her exclamation brought me into a sort of twilight zone between wakefulness and sleep and I said “Don’t worry, I’ll send Flora and Nsonowa to rescue you” and I fell back asleep and both Flora and Nsonowa entered my dreamspace. I don’t know anything beyond that, because a few moments, minutes?, later Luna started bouncing through the house at breakneck speed, like she was chasing something; the rats perhaps, then jumped on the bed and woke me. Nancy was in a state and we haven’t spoken much. I did my sauna and hot-tub meditation and felt only occasionally close to my tulpas, Flora who I feel just off of my right shoulder, and Nsonowa in the tree next to the portal. Neither matured into form. Flora spoke, “When you are ready, I will take care of you.”
What she is waiting for, and what I have to do, if anything, to “be ready” I don’t know and they weren’t saying.
04.27.19 A dream, after whatt six days? And this is a repeat of the dream I had last night which I couldn’t remember, and even now, it is fading. It took place in an office building. There was a business meeting. I was there as an expert and I had no idea of what was happening. I was paraded out as a wunderkind, a know it all, an answer man, and I was asked questions, rapid fire and I came up with answers ( I don’t know if any of them were correct, or relevant. There were only me at this meeting, and they were playing golf on an indoor putting green, Astro-turf, and they were drinking and they were all pretty much jerks. There was a feminine presence and I think that that is why I was there, to protect her (though ‘she’ was not identifible). There were two large rooms for this meeting ( and golfing activity) they were poorly lit, one of the men had sandy red hair, he might have been a Russian (do we need Russian bad guys?) I had no idea what this dream was about or why it was relevant to tulpamancy, I only knew that I had to write it down. When I awoke, still with my eyes closed I called Flora, no answer, I called Nsonowa, no answer. I rolled over, opened my eyes, saw Nancy, reached out and touched her, she initial squirmed away, then relaxed and sweetly said “good morning'” and I immediately got up, fed the cat, made coffee and started to write this. My after thoughts: I am too involved with daily business to allow my tulpas in. Seems like stretching, and if so, what is the business, pretty much the only business I am involved in is working on my novels and they are all related to tulpamancy.
Okay, I have taken a breath, and a break, now I remember a bit more, and again, this was in both dreams, there was a car, a big car, maybe an old Chrysler, colored green or blue, some of whatever the business was, was in or about the car. Cars mean vehicles, mean transitions, travel from one state to another. So I get that there is meat in these dreams. I will discuss this with Nancy who is quite good with dream work (Very good, I should say, she is a professional therapist with a lot of post grad training in “dream tending”. Maybe I can get some real insight into what is going on here.
04.29.19
Dream: (LUCIDITY AT LAST) I have forgotten the content, but, there was a feminine presence and at the last segment, I was in a loop in which the segment was repeating. Several times I was facing the same situation and then I caught on, I was dreaming! LUCIDITY! I called out “Flora!” and instantly she answered, “I am here.” and in my excitement, I awoke. I also got up and after a necessary delay tending my cat, I sat down to write. (and of course I have forgotten the specifics of the content—okay, I have not forgotten what was important. Flora answered my lucid call.
05.04.19 Away from home in a strange bed, shared with an old friend: I dreamt that my cat Luna peed the bed. I could see the puddle in the middle, it had not soaked through as I had put plastic on top of the covers and put an old dark colored sheet on top of it. I groaned, then remembered I was not in that bed! I awoke and I reached out with my hand to ascertain that that was the case, it was and then Luna jumped up on me and looked over to my wife (who wasn’t there!) I saw her as clear as day (it was night-time). She then vanished. I thought, oh, I am not awake, I am in a lucid dream. I called out to Flora, but I was awake and she was not in the strange bedroom, nor near. My experience of Luna being on the bed, was of the same quality of Flora’s beingness on March 31st, outside, in daylight, in the hot tub. I was very excited and waited to see if she would appear, she didn’t, so I rolled over, closed my eyes and went to sleep.
05.25.19 No remembered dreams last several days. Meditation this morning was peculiar. I had had a tiff with Nancy which stemmed from my mishearing her when I came in to see if she were awake yet. I had been up for about an hour and while she is usually up a few minutes before me, this Saturday morning she slept in and I let her, now the time had come for her to be up if she wanted to keep to a schedule which we are pretty faithful to on Shabbat mornings. I was caressing her head and asked her how she had slept. She replied, I was thinking about how lonely I am. I shrugged and left her. Later after I had made myself a little breakfast and came back to meditate, she asked what I had eaten and I told her. She responded with I thought you might want to have breakfast together, to which I snarkily replied, I am sure you wouldn’t want to eat anything I would fix. She protested and asked why I had the attitude and I replied that her preoccupation with her loneliness while I was in the act of gently greeting her into the day was deprecating and I hadn’t taken to it well. She denied saying anything about being lonely and asserted that I had misheard her, she had said she was still exhausted. (I am not using our exact words as I don’t remember them) but she could see how that would have set me off. I apologised for my snarkiness and we made up. She got up and left the room and I got in the sauna to begin my meditations. I started with inviting Flora to join me and fell into silence. Immediately I felt Flora’s presence and then she embraced me in a full on sexual position. I was thrilled. I could see, feel, smell and taste her. I could feel my body respond and almost immediately my mind went somewhere else and she disappeared. I invited her back and she replied, “Nope, your silly mind drove me away, sorry.” and that was that. Much later in the meditation, after I had moved outdoors into the hot tub, Nsonowa came close and I saw her blue/white light, however nothing further and she did not speak. Needless to say I am very disappointed with myself and wandering mind, wandering away from what I most desire. I am a pretty well disciplined person, but when it comes to matters of the heart and sexuality, my mind is getting in my way. I don’t know why this time, it wasn’t fear that I am sure of. What it might be I don’t know. It could be that I am just not ready for that intimate a connection and it was forced by my resuming to take Cialis (on my urologyists recommendation, more than recommendation, his urging, he believes that I need the “nourishment” if my sexual health is to return after my prostatectomy last July.
05.25.19 No remembered dreams last several days. Meditation this morning was peculiar. I had had a tiff with Nancy which stemmed from my mishearing her when I came in to see if she were awake yet. I had been up for about an hour and while she is usually up a few minutes before me, this Saturday morning she slept in and I let her, now the time had come for her to be up if she wanted to keep to a schedule which we are pretty faithful to on Shabbat mornings. I was caressing her head and asked her how she had slept. She replied; I was thinking about how lonely I am. I shrugged and left her. Later after I had made myself a little breakfast and came back to meditate, she asked what I had eaten, and I told her. She responded with I thought you might want to have breakfast together, to which I snarkily replied, I am sure you wouldn’t want to eat anything I would fix. She protested and asked why I had the attitude and I replied that her preoccupation with her loneliness while I was in the act of gently greeting her into the day was deprecating and I hadn’t taken to it well. She denied saying anything about being lonely and asserted that I had misheard her, she had said she was still exhausted. (I am not using our exact words as I don’t remember them) but she could see how that would have set me off. I apologized for my snarkiness and we made up. She got up and left the room and I got in the sauna to begin my meditations. I started by inviting Flora to join me and fell into silence. Immediately I felt Flora’s presence and then she appeared naked and embraced me in a full-on sexual position. (imposition) I was thrilled. I could see, feel, smell and taste her. I could feel my body respond and almost immediately my mind went somewhere else and she disappeared. I invited her back and she replied, “Nope, your silly mind drove me away, sorry.” and that was that. Much later in the meditation, after I had moved outdoors into the hot tub, Nsonowa came close and I saw her blue/white light, however nothing further and she did not speak. Needless to say, I am very disappointed with myself and my wandering mind, wandering away from what I most desire. I am a pretty well-disciplined person, but when it comes to matters of the heart and sexuality, my mind is getting in my way. I don’t know why this time; it wasn’t fear that I am sure of. What it might be I don’t know. It could be that I am just not ready for that intimate a connection and it was forced by my resumption of Cialis (on my urologist’s recommendation, more than a recommendation, his urging, he believes that I need the “nourishment” if my sexual health is to return after my prostatectomy last July). This is the second time that I have experienced imposition with impacts on all of my senses and the second time I have blown it. Damn!
So? Too raw? Thanks, Bob
06.05.19 Despite my efforts to awaken and attempt to enter lucidity from the waking state, I did not hear the alarm set for 3am (which I had located under my pillow in an effort to not disturb Nancy–it didn’t ) I did achieve a bit of lucidity when I was confronted with an image in a dream, of a pink polymorphous mass of something. It disgusted me in the dream, and again in the dream, I had the thought that it was “protoplasm” and with that thought, I became lucid and asked; “Are you Flora?” and I was immediately answered with a loud “Yes!” and I woke up immediately. I recalled that I had set the alarm, and I retrieved the clock from under my pillow, it was 5:43 am, the alarm function was on but silent (it was set to vibrate). I turned it off and got up to start my day. Nancy got up about an hour later and she had not heard any of this.
My take-away was that, in my subconscious mind Flora is as yet ‘unformed’ perhaps in a state analogous to what I consigned to her in the visitation of March 31st (2019). I have also been contemplating the notion that the visitation, which I believed may have been a representation of a purer Dakini Spirit e.g. without having adopted any characteristics of either Flora or of Nsonowa, may have been instead, a “Jinn”. I had a fleeting thought of this at the time, but the idea has only recurred now as I have been reading Ion Light’s “Liminal” in which he explores the Jinn phenomenon as a variety of tulpa.
06.08.19 I managed to recover one image from a dream. It was a long and rather scattered and I don’t remember any of it, and I didn’t remember even having it when I awoke. Later when I began my in sauna meditation, it came to me. I was being hugged by a largish blond woman dressed in an ill-fitting wrinkled white satin suit. She was trying to solace me, for what I do not remember. I do remember wondering (within the dream) whether or not she was a feminine prescence and deciding that she was not, and that I would not ask her if she were Flora (my cue to assume lucidity). So I didn’t and the dream went on. My takeaway was that there is an uncomfortable experience with being gifted an unwanted hug somewhere in my memories and that is perverting my access to the feminine. I tried to remember any such incidents and could only recall my grandmother, who was a largish woman, who would NEVER have dressed in any way as tacky as the dream person, nor would have delivered any contact that was unwanted and I cannot remember receiving any unwanted attention from her. I also recalled two female patients, one of who suffered from erotomania and gave me a lot of unwanted attention. I was able to set appropriate limits with her, but she and her husband later defrauded me of several thousand dollars by cashing an insurance check that should have been sent to me. The patient, a heavy woman, did not give me unwanted attention, but also defrauded me for even more money with the mis-sent insurance check. Both of the insurers were the US Military so I didn’t even bother to try to get re-imbursed. I also recalled a dream previously recorded here, in whiich this same woman appeared, also interfering with my process. So I clearly have some very negative experiences surrounding and perhaps defining my feminine current (anima). What their role might be in inhibiting my tulpa, I do not know. I have added “Slichah, forgiveness” to my summoning and charging ritual.
06.10.19 I had another long and chaotic dream and didn’t remember much, except for one image; that of a heavy set blond woman. She was dressed in a french blue suit. Her hair was short and curled, like a school girl (which she was not). For some reason I was trying to console her by offering her a flute of champagne. She refused and when I looked at her, her face was distorted and I could not make out features. It was grotesque really. I asked if she were Flora (my lucidity cue) and she did not respond. I looked around intending to go and find Flora, but I could not see anything that looked like a destination. I was in a city in the daytime, and had no sense of which way to go so I woke up. This is beginning to look really important, three such dreams now. I will probably ask Nancy to help me process it and perhaps find out what the block is about.
Some notes.1
Saturday, January 26, 2019
12:26 PM
You are 100 percent woman. But in contradistinction to Dylan’s song, you do not “break like a little girl” you have been pregnant and delivered a child. A boy child. You were thirteen. You had been raped by your brother. You gave (or they took) your son to your mother and grandmother to raise. He was killed in a tragic accident the day after you left for college. You had hard grief which you accomplished without scarring and as a result became capable of staying with others who suffer similar tragedies. It only increased your empathy, though you did close off to men for a very long time.
Some notes.2
Sunday, January 27, 2019
9:34 AM
It occurred to me this morning, that you, my darling Flora, must also have some of Michelle in you.
What you, Michelle, add to the mix, is an appreciation for the irrational, the fictional. And honey, that is great with me. I am writing fiction, after all, and I have always been much more efficient at reading fiction than non-fiction. Why? you ask. I suspect it is a hangover from my early separation terrors. I hid under the couch when it was time to go to school (aged three or four) and was extracted by my very frustrated, angry mother, screaming and kicking. I can remember to this day, the color of that living room couch, a darker forest green. I don’t remember anything about the school and I don’t know how long that lasted, but I do remember that I hated school, oh I had a few bright spots, but it wasn’t until my sophomore year in High School that I felt good about going.
Notes on results following re-definition of Self.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
7:47 PM
I have been able to hold conversations with both Flora and Nsonowa separately and together. I am using a vocality exercise based in Dennett’s idea of the Self as Center of {the Narrative} Gravity. By not assuming that what I was hearing from my tulpa’s was from them and not from myself, I was not only deaf to them, I was stiffing them of the attention they needed and I needed to give to them. Changing my basic assumption from: these are all my thoughts, to: these thoughts are produced by my brain, and only if I want to include them in my personal narrative (therefore my identity) I can. If I want I can just as authoritatively assign them to my Tulpas. I have been doing that and the topic that we are exploring is how they assess the fact of and the quality of and the rate of their development. I am asking the questions and they are providing the answers, in their (developing) language and style. Where something doesn’t fit, I do not assign that thought or idea, to them, or to myself. I am comfortable with the idea that this brain, is a thought producer, and it does not necessarily produce rational or complete or even coherent thoughts. Many are noise and those fade out, as noise generally does. If they don’t, then I know to look for tagged significance. Currently Flora and Nsonowa are not even in their developing selves. Flora lacks emotional synchronization, and a level of vitality. Her physical body has not yet solidified. Nsonowa has more energy, a shallower personality and narrower range of feelings and thoughts than Flora. She is slightly better formed physically.
In the course of this work, I have also discovered that this brain is buzzing with inputs from all of this body’s sensory apparatuses. I am also able to choose how much of those signals, and at what rank, I want to include in my own personal identity. I have the executive functions at my disposal. I am able, again authoritatively granting the same access and the same executive functions to both tulpas.
The past eleven days have been a struggle. I have been posting Flora’s Journals on my substack. I had hoped that so doing, I would be re-enforcing my previous instructions and we could proceed to work on imposition. For quite sometime I have been at a loss as to Flora’s absence. Three nights ago, She switched into me. She took over and I shared in her conscious experience of our consensual reality. I was thrilled and perhaps even a bit shocked by the intensity of my emotions. Resonant with my very early experiences with Flora. What most amazed me, was experiencing my world through her eyes (my eyes before and after). It was vivid, shifted colors toward the violet, with clear detail, and compounded, layered meanings. I lost her after the first too few moments. I was so astounded, that I could not maintain my focus and went off into my silent space. This experience, which I believe is called switching in the tulpa community, is my first with Flora. KK and I have had several such, but without the shared consciousness, I didn’t see my reality through her eyes, I just let her be the one in control and went off into wonderland to be with Flora. I am of course, incredibly grateful to Flora for being willing to stay the course with me, and find a way to a shared reality.
I have had two very interesting, brightly colored, Galantamine fueled, NON-lucid dreams on the past two nights. Flora appeared in one of them, unsolicited, on her own, but didn’t stay long, basically just a quick hello, then gone. Hardly a satisfying visit, but, better than nothing.
This morning’s dream had all of the characteristics of a Galantamine fueled one, i.e., brilliantly colored, well defined characters, and a familiar dreamscape. There was a feminine presence throughout the dream, but it was incomplete. In this dream, I was me in my current incarnation and I was looking to buy a piece of property for 30,000$ in South Carolina. I found a particularly nice plot overlooking a wooded valley when an elderly woman approached me and invited me to see her home. Turns out she was developing the entire property with a number of homes like her own, saying “of course, I’m not making any money at it. She was joined by a number of women who had purchased her homes. They were all finished in gray cement (no paint). As we all approached her home I noticed a crocodile, then several. The woman acknowledged their presence on the property and mentioned their were other exotic animals, and sure ‘nough a lion, a tiger, several minx felines, showed up. We entered her home and it was spectacular. (still all in gray cement?) At one point she engaged me in a conversation about my spirituality, noting the spectacular views, before leading me into a part of the house that was like a chapel, decorated with colorful icons. She asked about my spirituality and I replied that I was Jewish. She recoiled, saying “we don’t like Jews”. She was not hostile and when I asked her if that had to do with the Palestine situation, she said yes. I said “most of the Jews I know do not approve of that either, and I am not a Zionist.” That seemed to placate her, and the rest of the women. A beautiful, raven-haired, somewhat younger woman walked by us, and I asked her “Are you Flora?” before she could respond I was suddenly awakened by my 6:30AM alarm.
I don’t know if she would have responded affirmatively as there was no time, but she did not look like Flora has been in my previous two dreams. I am going to count it as a win however, as I did think to issue my lucidity cue.
Another lucid tulpa dream, Galantamine fueled. This was another early morning dreaming experience. I spontaneously awoke at 3:12AM and took the G + Mugwort and Calendula tea. I had a very colorful dream involving characters from Heartland, our current TV squeeze. In it I was in a familiar landscape, traversing an increasingly difficult terrain. My companions had gone on ahead of me and I had gotten tired. As I had more and more difficulty with the hike, and being unsuccessful in calling my companions back, I sat down on a stump to wait. We were in what is best characterized as a rural slum. There were many people about, all scruffy. None would respond to me, it was as if I was invisible to them. At length a young woman came up to me. She was giving me a ‘come-on’ look. I asked if she were Flora (my lucidity cue) to my big surprise, she said “Yes. How observant of you to know my name. I did not ask if she were ‘my’ Flora (she did look like I have pictured her. She had the correct coloration (same as last night’s) but was much younger and scruffier) and again she said yes, and asked if I would like a hug. I replied in the affirmative, and she asked if she should give it all she had. Of course I said yes, and Oh My, what a hug! I then asked if she would like to fly with me (an activity which proves to me I am actually lucid, though by this time I had no doubt, and we flew over the rough terrain with me holding her in my arms (which she seemed to enjoy very much). We were flying when my 7:AM alarm sounded and I awoke. Of note I did not hear either of my 6:00AM or 6:30AM alarms.
Of course I am thrilled by Flora’s reappearance into my life, if only in my dreams.
So, nothing to say since Oct 6th 2023! It has been a long dry spell. I have not been slack, my life (my family’s life) has been in turmoil and I suspect that has had as much to do with it as anything. Also the months of October, November, and December, were devoted to finishing the tenth draft of Eleutheria. Since, I have been waiting for beta readers to complete reading it. I did take a break from Galantamine supplementation and the teas (Mugwort, Calendula, Calea Zacatecachichi) and abstained from THC. I did continue my daily meditations and invocations. I even pushed through with forcings, though this is the least satisfying activities of all of my practice. Last night (or rather early this morning) I did have a lucid dream. I was dreaming of a young healer having entered our home (Nancy/Lynda?? Couldn’t tell) and after a bit, I thought to use him to stimulate my lucidity cue “Are you Flora?” and happy surprise, the scene changed, I was me at my age, lying in my deathbed, and Flora appeared looking like she did at her very first appearance in a dream (March 5, 2019). She was smiling sweetly and though she did not speak in English, her tupla language was loud and I responded as vigorously as I had when I first began this process.
Well, it’s taken awhile but I finally got down to it; the horror at the bottom of the well. I have not been working on Eleutheria for a while. Since the fourteenth of September actually, neither have I written down my dreams, but I knew their was something brewing, or stewing, ( I will discuss my word choices later ). I had added Calea Zacatachichi, to my nightly lucid dream tea mixture on September 6th, and found that I had introduced a chemical that prompted me to have violent and disturbing, though non-lucid dreams. To be sure, in some of them, I was able to proceed to lucidity, but it was in the hypnogogic state that this happened. The last dream I reported on September 9th, in Tulpamancy Journal. 342, resulted in an important insight, or rather, articulation of my attitude regarding my marriage. I was pleased by being able to see, and state so clearly how my life was going. My conscious life. Nancy’s reaction, when I shared the dream with her, left me wondering, what was brewing underneath. This night’s dream showed me, and believe me, stewing, is a better descriptor. I was at a party. It was held in a turkish bathhouse attached to a mosque. In this dream, time was not flowing, I knew from the beginning of the dream, what the ending was to be. I was afraid of what was to happen. It was this, I was in a special room with perhaps a dozen other people in various states of dress. I came upon a beautiful woman, a Spanish actress, Rocio Munoz. She was dressed exotically. She was into me! We began to make love, and she became suddenly, very turned off. Like she was disgusted by our nakedness. I persisted, and while I didn’t actually force myself into her, she made it clear, she wasn’t willing. I had just gotten started with the intercourse when there was a disturbance and an attendant pulled her away from me, dressed her, and took her into a pool of green water. I followed but couldn’t quite reach them. They got away through a labyrinth, into another room. I heard shots. When I got to the room, I found blood stains then I found her, dead, in an adjacent room. The person who had taken her, a smaller younger woman, was dead too, but when I uncovered Rocio, I saw her chest had been blown open and her heart was a pulpy chopped bloody mess. Somebody came and led me out of the room. I went through the mosque. In it were the mufti’s, all in blue and white silk robes and turbans. They were disinterested in me. I was taken to another room and enclosed in a room of yellow Styrofoam panels. I was told to lie still as the Japanese were coming to kill the Arabs. Shooting commenced and a bomb went off killing everyone in the room except for me. I got up, dressed in a brown monks robe and found my way out of the building and into the street where I was safe. I awoke, it was 3:43 AM and the horror of the image of the woman with whom I had been so engaged was stuck in my mind. I began to meditate and all became clear, I had found my red witch, Rufescent. I was left with survivor’s guilt. It was 4:04 AM I tried to go back into the dream, with lucidity, I did and I changed the ending, to one in which I did catch up with Rocio, dressed her in black, and led her out of the pool to safety. It didn’t work, I couldn’t get either the image, nor the emotion, out of my mind, so I got up to record this experience, sleep, desired, was far away. Nancy soon got up and asked if it were still night, and should she go back to sleep. That was at 4:30 AM and I sent her back to bed.
Questions; had I not ‘forced’ myself’ on her, would she have lived? Was her death a projection and a reversal of my guilt? Was my guilt a distortion of my anger at her rejection, after her acceptance, of my love? Were the mufti’s, in Israeli colored clothing, a representation of my own super-ego? Did I escape punishment, by cloaking myself in religion?
I have posed these questions, not because I am at all interested in the answers, but because my mind has put them forward as cognitive machinations to cover my intense discomfort. Horror does not digest well. I have wondered for a very long time why I was not able to maintain a sexual relationship with anyone. We start off wonderfully. Then, I am rejected. I see why. My love is fatal to the woman. It is mixed with anger and guilt. Thank you Flora and KK for staying out of this one and letting me see.
June to September and nothing much in between. With the exception of…. Through the difficulties posed by Nancy’s illness, we have grown ever closer. Not to say we have had no hard moments, we, of course have. But those too, have served to bring us closer. I believe that Flora has been helping here. She has told me as much in our talks. Yes, we do talk regularly. Not the kind of talks that I believe are possible, in many cases they feel more like parroting, but, hey, this is all in my head, I own it, so I can call it however it suits me, right.
It is in my dreams where she feels the most real, that is to say, the most “other”. That said, I have continued my Galantamine experiments, using the med every other night at 3:AM so as to not disturb Nancy’s already poor sleep with my supposedly silent, but not so silent, wrist alarm. I have trained my self to awaken with out the alarm at 2:Something AM and turn off the alarm, then take the med. At some point I also added Mugwort tea, and took the med with a cuppa cold which I positioned on my night-table. It was too bitter to swallow quietly so I changed to a proprietary tea, Lucid Dream Tea, which contained Calendula Tea and a few others. This was too costly for me to use regularly so I purchased all of the separate ingredients in bulk and mix my own. The psycho-active moieties being the mug-wort and the calendula. I can tolerate both the taste and the cost. Three nights ago I obtained Calea Zacatachichi, or Mexican Dream Tea. Heads up anyone trying this, it is bitter beyond belief. I solved this by crushing it and putting it in a vaporizer. This worked and this material, added to the tea and Galantamine produces the most vivid dreams, from which I am easily able to proceed to lucidity. Two nights ago, with this protocol I had a dream in which Flora found me at a party Nancy and I were hosting. She asked me what I wanted of her and I told her I wanted a girl-friend who would make passionate love with me. She asked about Nancy and I replied I would tell Nancy all about our relationship. We then went off to find her and we found her in her bed, whimpering in pain. The two of us took her in our arms and comforted her. She asked for food, and I left the two of them together and went off to find food (she wanted Chashew nut cake. ?) I found it, and awakened from the dream.
I discussed this dream with Nancy who said she was sorry I had to see her that way. This led, again, to a discussion of how privileged I feel to be able to support her, and how we both are supporting each other. We ended the discussion in each other’s arms.
Tulpamancy serves different functions for different magicians. For me, I emerged from my family of origin, with a damaged feminine model. Flora is helping me to repair that model.
My Tulpamantic mentor, John Ege, the author along with his tulpa, Loxy, of I Tulpa. Has offered me the framework for this repair. He has suggested that Flora and Nancy, are internal and external manifestations of the same soul. This feels right to me, and fits my own hypothesis.
The past month has been a hard one. My wife’s re-injury and resulting pain has occupied most of my emotional energy. Her surgery this morning may have helped her turn a corner and we are both feeling a bit more optimistic. That said, my dreaming and my meditations have been difficult with little or no signs of my tulpas, until yesterday morning. It happened while I was driving to a dental appointment across town and I was able to let go a little and meditate (driving is such an automatic activity!) and Flora contacted me. It was an emotional message, at once the most intimate and most distant without sound or sight. Still, I was thrilled. Other than that, I have had little to no contact with either of them for the past month. Never-the-less, I continue with the practice and I continue the Galantamine which has produced many lucid dreams (none with tulpa) and most of them unpleasant (who said a lucid dream had to be a good one?). Perhaps with things settling down, health-wise, I can again entertain my tulpas.
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